POLITICS

Donald Trump Bemoans That No One Credits Him for Discovering That Hawaii Is Kenya

Don Ponce de Leon

“The woke leftists want to cover up the history of the disgusting island of trash. They want to silence the Kenyans. Not on my watch! I will bring them to light. No one loves Kenyans better than I!” Trump claimed in a confused room of Hawaiians. Picture AI Generated by Nanobanana Pro.

Americans are renowned for fabricating history. Making up geography is a natural next step.

President Donald Trump expressed deep frustration that historians, geographers, and what he described as “the very dishonest globe community” continue to refuse to acknowledge his role in discovering that Hawaii is, in fact, Kenya.

Trump disclosed his achievement to reporters while gesturing toward a laminated map that appeared to be printed from Google Images and aggressively highlighted in Sharpie.

“It’s unbelievable. I discovered it years ago. Years. People laughed. Now they don’t laugh as much, but they still won’t give me credit. Typical.”

Trump bemoaned.

“You know, we used to be a society. A real country. Very classy. Very respected. Everybody respected us. That was before I came along, believe it or not.

“Now I show up, I fix everything, I end wars. Tremendous wars, beautiful wars. Now suddenly, the Nobel people, very radical, very left-wing, they don’t want to honor me. It’s a disgrace. Total disgrace.

“I ended wars all over the place. Azerbaijan, Armenia — done. Cambodia — easy. Narnia — nobody talks about that one. Did you know I taught the lion how to speak English? From the wardrobe. True story. People don’t know that. Very smart lion.

“But do they give me the peace prize? No. They give it to some guy who wrote a book about how my very large, very powerful brain ended wars. Like they did with Sun Tzu when he wrote Sun Tzu’s Art of the Deal. Smart guy, by the way. Learned a lot from me.

“And then — this is the worst part — they still didn’t give it to me. They gave it to a Venezuelan woman. A DEI winner. Very sad. Very unfair to our country. I’ll tell you that. I don’t even want an award that’s been infected with wokeism. I’d rather take the FIFA Peace Award. They made that one just for me. Very official.

“Now, this winner. María Corina Machado. Nice lady. Very nice lady. She calls me. She says,

‘I’m accepting this in honor of you, because you really deserved it.”

“Very beautiful thing to say. A very nice thing to do. I didn’t, I didn’t say,

‘Then give it to me,’

“I’m Donald Trump. I don’t demand. I grab things I want without consent. Such as pussies.

“I’ve been helping her, though. Venezuela is a disaster. Total disaster. The people — strong people — tears in their eyes. They say, “Sir, Maduro is killing us. Please save us.” And I said, “Okay.” Done. Arrested Maduro while he was sleeping like a sloth. Very low-energy sleeper.

“Now Venezuela is mine. People don’t like when I say that, but it’s true. Am I giving it to her? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends.

“Honestly, Venezuela could be the 51st state. It should be. Sleepy Joe let in millions of Venezuelans. We’re practically Venezuelan. It’s basic math.

“Wouldn’t that be something? Venezuela joins after Hawaii. Which, by the way, is Kenya. Everyone knows it. The fake news doesn’t want you to know it, but I discovered it.

“I traveled far and wide around on my father’s jet and I see this island. Bare people. Dancing with leaves. No pants. No tank tops. No Nikes. Sad! People that don’t look like they live in Ohio. Chanting in some language. I think it was Blackugese.

“That’s Kenya. I discovered it. Not the Spaniards, not the English. Me. And then they invent some king — what was it — King Kamehameha? Sounds like a Dragon Ball Z move. If you’re going to make things up, at least make them believable. Common sense.

“They make fun of me for the birth certificate thing. Obama says Hawaii. I say Kenya. I discovered Kenya. So who do you think knows better? He’s Kenyan. Everyone knows it. The government covered it up.

“People call me the Explorer of Earth. And frankly, it’s true. Hawaii is Kenya. Venezuela is America. The Gulf of Mexico is the Gulf of America. Idaho is Qatar. That’s why Qataris are building military bases there. I don’t make the rules. I just figure things out. I have very high IQ. Probably the highest in geographology.”

Trump told reporters that his theories make a lot of sense if they didn’t think too hard about them.

“Maps change all the time. Used to be nine planets. Now it’s eight. Who’s to say Hawaii didn’t have a tectonic plate shift when it sang ‘Kumbaya’?

“These so-called historians. Where were they when I was discovering things? They claim the Giza buildings are pyramids? I don’t see their names on those buildings. My name is on buildings in America. That tells you everything.

“We’re going to straighten geography out. For too long, the world has been very confused. I was not confused. I knew immediately. I saw my name on Hawaii and said ‘Boom. It’s Kenya!’”

When asked how he came up with the name ‘Kenya’, Trump shrugged.

“It came to me. Very simple word. I won on ‘Kenya’, by the way. No one used the word before I came. Kenya. I used it on the first campaign. And I won on ‘Kenya. It’s such an old fashioned term, but a beautiful term. I think it means ‘groceries.’”

Trump was later seen marching into the prestigious Rose Hill Montessori of Manhattan, demanding that the principal of that preschool change the name to honor Trump’s good friend: ‘Epstein Island’

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading!

If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

[embed]ELLIE SALVAJE’S TABLE OF CONTENTS Read this before perusing my blog. elliesalvaje.medium.com

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.

[embed]So you like dark humor and satire, but don’t want to pay the Medium membership fee No worries, I’ve been broke as well. Please don’t prostitute yourself. Just subscribe to get my emails whenever I publish.elliesalvaje.medium.com

Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.

Click [MuddyUm humoristas](https://muddyum.net/amy-sea-to-toni-crowe-clickable-access-to-feature-pages-3088106c0c45) to find hidden feature pages.

🖱️ Click here to subscribe to Muddyum’s newsletter, “The Real Dirt.”

✔️ Check out our links.

🚢 The publishing mother ship.

🫶🏼 Support writers. All our non-profit’s offerings here.

Brand art by David Todd McCarty