Working in IT — where I remained a zombie for 12 years

Sometimes I saw myself in mirror, in pictures — life sucked out of me, dead, tired of life.

One should not stay in a place where the soul doesn’t align, the light no more stays in your eyes, life gets sucked out of your soul — yet you say that’s a luxury in India, where survival is the priority, you tell me work where my soul aligns?! Good joke.

The mistake had been made a lot of years ago, where I chose to study Engineering instead of Arts, English or anything that I might have even remotely liked instead of choosing something I hated but apparently would earn me money.

I am on a Sabbatical now. Since last 3 months, and I extended it for 6 more months. Before taking it, I was thinking I would rest for the firt week then I would get on track in disciplining my life, learn more stuff and get a better job, start a side hustle — such big ambitions — yet the first 2 months I just crashed, days when I went to sleep at 5am, did absolutely nothing, not even travelled, just sat at home and did nothing. The fear had gone by now, of what ifs, I could see more clearly now how toxic a life I was leading, how I was just a slave, how I was dead inside. I wasn’t like this before? As a child, so full of life, creativity and endless hopes for a future that would be bright. Every child is like that.

Then you choose something, a path which wasn’t yours. Or maybe choosing the wrong is also a lesson to finally realize, I should always align myself to my soul.

Money. No one wants to spend their savings. I didn’t too, I thought 3 months is what I could do, 6 months worth of money from savings I dont want to lose. But now, fuck it. I like it like this. Better to work on myself and do something I like. Slowly build myself again but do things on my own term. Do something meaningful. Do something I like. Not be a slave anymore.

Life has taught me well till now. And it will keep on teaching me. I will remain open to it.

Also, if I am not the doer, it’s alright, wherever my soul tells me, I shall go. I will flow where life takes me.