i’ll break my heart so you don’t have to

from pinterest

i learned the language of leaving before you spoke goodbye, counted the cracks in your voice, memorized every lie. you never said it outright, but silence can still scream, and i’ve always been the one to wake first from the dream.

so i started rehearsing the fall before we slipped apart, taught my hands to let go, trained distance into my heart. if someone had to be cruel, i decided it’d be me, because loving you gently never set either of us free.

i picked at the seams of something still warm, still alive, pretended it was already dead just so i could survive. you looked at me once like i was something you’d keep, now you look through me like i’m a thought you don’t need.

i noticed the pauses, the way your replies got thin, how your laughter felt borrowed, like it didn’t belong within. and maybe you thought i didn’t see the shift in your eyes, but i’ve always been fluent in the quietest goodbyes.

so i’ll go first, i’ll ruin what we didn’t finish building, i’ll turn something soft into something unforgiving. i’ll say things i don’t mean just to make it easier to leave, because truth is too gentle, and you’d still choose to stay with me.

i’ll make myself smaller, colder, harder to hold, so when you finally let go, it won’t feel so cold. i’ll rewrite your memory of me into something less kind, so you won’t have to miss what you’re leaving behind.

i’ll carry the blame like it’s something i earned, let it burn through my chest just so you won’t get burned. because loving you taught me a dangerous art- how to ruin something beautiful by breaking my own heart.

and when it’s over, when the silence settles in place, you won’t have to look guilt in its unbearable face. you’ll walk away lighter, like nothing fell apart, while i stay behind, holding the pieces i tore from my heart.

i’ll tell everyone it was easier this way, that some things aren’t meant to be begged to stay. but between every sentence, there’s a truth i can’t outsmart- i didn’t lose you- i chose to break my own heart.