Somewhere behind my Eyes

We face struggles, losses, and wins as we grow up. We take only wins as part of ourselves, which helps us face even greater odds in the future. We weave pleasure, faith, and trust around these wins. Wins help us learn what we are capable of — that becomes our weapon to face the future. We learn. Wins decide the trajectory into the future.

As we grow further, we again face struggles, wins, and losses. This time, wins start to feel meaningless. Losses make us change and decide the trajectory of our future. Struggles test the strongest part of ourselves.

When the process of loss begins, we start looking at our thinking: Is there any change in my thinking? Is there something new that I hadn’t noticed before? Wins never made me question myself — only loss did.

Slowly, the focus goes deeper into memory: What happened on my side when a win happened? Then it goes even deeper: So all this time I wasn’t good or bad? All my wins came out of my control? Am I nothing? Am I worthless? I thought I was working at my full capacity — was I not? So all this time I haven’t done anything except intense expression? I wasn’t truly thinking? So all my wins don’t matter. They are not mine. They are not genuinely my efforts.

So what was mine? What truly belonged to me in all these winnings?

The chain of self-doubt begins. First, it attacks thinking. Then it reaches the core memory part of ourselves — the place where our intense urge to do something originates. It keeps questioning, evaluating, and inspecting again and again, unable to believe that everything was nothing.

Even if it wasn’t mine last time, today it will be mine. I don’t care what the world or whoever is in front of me says. I will win.

If won, welcome to the most impulsive version of yourself.

If lost, your core part feels broken. Now it feels empty. Your wins don’t matter. Your ability to control has failed. Then you start searching for witnesses — people who have seen you work lately. Any wrong cue now shatters everything. No one believes that your efforts contributed to anything. My thinking is not enough. My confidence is not enough. My cry to others is not working.

So what is my plan? How am I going to face this? How am I going to come out of this?

I feel helpless. I have no hope.

I made a mistake. I should have thought about myself. What made a win a win? Was it me, or something else? If I had known that, it would have helped me now.

Now I don’t have anyone to ask for a solution.

Such a strange phase to be in.

The phase of ultimate down in a human life.

Feelings of guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness arise when the relationship between me and myself is not in sync.

When life becomes hard, by repeatedly questioning ourselves, the serotonin tied to those memories is slowly withdrawn. We begin to feel low in the most core part of ourselves — the part where our drive to achieve something first started, the wins of adolescence.

Wins tell you, You are the reason. Look at the output — it is yours.

Losses tell you, Look at your efforts — this is where you went wrong.

Loneliness is the dead end, we only exist only as a thought in a strange place, not showing ourselves to anyone anymore and we will be in somewhere behind our eyes.

I exist only as a thought in my mind, a place somewhere behind my eyes.