SILENT CHAOS

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As I approach my 22nd year, a realization hits me like a tsunami— my life has taken an unforeseen course.

It all began when I came across a list I wrote at the age of sixteen, outlining the things I absolutely did not want to become or do when I entered my 20’s.

Now, here I am, a 21-year-old who has seemingly checked off every item on that list.

It’s an uncomfortable truth to swallow, and my nights are often filled with tears, wondering how I ended up here. The truth is, I can’t recall a single moment of genuine happiness since I turned 20.

I often find myself trapped in conversations with people I have little genuine affection for. I use these interactions as a temporary break from the deafening thoughts within.

The phrase “I love you” has become a daily mantra, yet I’ve lost touch with its true meaning. I spend months on end morphing into different personalities, depending on the company, to the point where I’m uncertain which persona is the real me.

Repetition has become my companion. I echo lines, and worse, I’ve resorted to copying and pasting my responses in conversations.

When the phone rings, I’m internally screaming ‘just fucking leave me alone’, but my cowardice forces me to answer with my best voice, repeating the scripted lines I’ve perfected.

I wouldn’t say I’m sad; it’s just that I’ve forgotten how to be truly happy.

The inside of me is what’s empty.

I used to float, now I just fall down……

I don’t like me, the me that I became.

I’ve evolved into someone I hardly recognize or like. As I scroll through my contacts, I see familiar names, but they don’t know the real me.

I’ve stopped making an effort to explain myself. “I’m sorry” has become a reflex, but do I genuinely mean it? The truth is, I don’t even know anymore.

It’s a terrifying revelation — the kind of deep suffering the happiest looking people are able to hide inside themselves.

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I want to go, not like suicide but disappear.

Just go away for once and just breathe.

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Thank you for reading ❤️.

Please don’t forget to drop 50 claps before you go!. (Yeah you literally just hold the claps down till it’s 50).