A POEM | FEELS LIKE EVERYTHING IS SLIPPING AWAY INTO CREASES OF PAINFUL INNOCENCE.

Scathed

A poem on standing completely straight while the floor falls through and paying for mistakes I never committed.

❤︎

everybody’s laughing in my mind broken ties can never fix without a scar and if it looks like i’m not unscathed i am and somehow it scares me how some thoughts lead to another some incidents remind us of others when i burnt my hand so that someone would look how i cried in the corner so that someone wouldn’t look

insensitive, easy to move on for her inhuman, the cold eyes emotionless, that’s all what you see that’s what they call me they don’t see the pain on a sunny day mistaking sadness for anger look into my eyes once see the tears look at them but all you do is admire your reflection in that water

they say stress doesn’t exist depression isn’t anything while i gone numb can’t feel a thing heavy under weights i never asked to carry quietly breaking so they can stay whole suffocating in the rooms they breathe so easily in screaming underwater where nobody has to hear choking on the words i swallow down to keep the peace scraping the edges of my heart just to see if it still beats staring at the ceiling while the darkness grows too loud feeling so entirely alone in a crowded place biting my lip to stop the sound of cracking open wide burying the childhood everyone slowly killed inside shivering in the warmth of everything i ruin counting up the scars that no one ever asks about

reminds me of younger me not wanting to feel that smiling bright so that she mattered loving everyone because that’s what everyone expected soon i couldn’t i can’t move on even today, i am tired i was smiling but the pain was increasing had no mask to put on feels like everything is slipping away into creases of painful innocence bleeding through being okay

where did the soft parts of me go? they wanted a pillar but built a ghost hating the reflection that looks like their creation a hollow shell they broke and called cured, fixed digging my nails into my palms until the ache feels real wishing i had a different, a different way to feel, sigh drowning in the expectations that i chose watching how the coldness starts to stiffen in my bones tasting old tears left to dry alone scrubbing at my skin to wash away the weight of it tired of being the only one who has to understand people were scared of me my cold look scared them fear me along with the way i changed now, they still fear me but i smile because they made me the same ones who i hoped cared more

but alas! an elder daughter born to heal the things i didn’t break standing straight while the floor falls through paying for mistakes i never committed, today bleeding first so everyone else stays clean a shield for wounds that weren’t mine to take sacrificing every pieces of myself for their mistake think it’s easy, but i can never move on, can’t forget left to hold the pieces up before i even breathe punished for the heavy heart they forced me to create mending all their fractures while i disintegrate an unpaid debt inherited the day that i was born giving till there’s nothing left but dust inside my hands and as i blink my eyes again i realise how many incidents look the same at least i looked at them and i can still hear how everyone’s laughing in my mind

sita | a girl with fading constellations and moonlight in her hair. author | poetess | lover | dreaming in the clouds.

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