Widowhood May Affect Your Mental Health

Photo by Matthew Spiteri on Unsplash

My husband of 45 years passed away on March 7, 2021. He had been sick for a while, and I thought I was prepared for his death, but I was not. I have experienced some things I would like to share that may benefit other widows related to mental health.

Women whose husbands die will respond differently. Some remarry, but others don’t. One widow said she loved her spouse of more than 50 years, but was not in love with him. Others express joy and relief that their spouse is no longer around.

My mental health took a beating, and it began right away. During his “celebration of life” service, I realized that I had celebrated him while he was living. This was a funeral and a time to mourn, but the presiding preacher said, “We are here to celebrate.” This made me angry.

My husband died during COVID, and only about 60 people attended his homegoing. I attributed the lack of attendance to the pandemic. Two days later, when I returned to the funeral home, I saw a service that was packed with over 150 people. When I went back the following day to complete everything, there was another service with a full house.

I began crying and feeling as if people did not care about my spouse or me. I would run into individuals whom he had given rides or helped financially, and it was difficult not to ask why they did not show support.

When I was later at the drug store, I heard a song he loved and began crying. When I visited a church where our son was the guest speaker, I read in th bulletin that his dad was “the late Michael L Preston Sr.” I almost ran out of the building because seeing this in print was traumatizing.

While grocery shopping, I would cry when I saw his favorite foods or snacks. No one told me these things were to be expected as a part of grieving, and I did not know how to handle them.

It’s important not to push your views on anyone about how they should grieve or not, and allow widowhood to progress. It is especially necessary not to offer unsolicited advice to women while they are actively grieving. Emotions are all over the place, and your good intentions may not have the intended effect. Also, what helps one person may not benefit another.

I joined several online widows groups, but they were not helpful to me. Each time a woman said she had found a new man, I felt rage. Instead of widows supporting one another, it became a place where females announced they had moved on. This did not benefit those who desired support while grieving.

I dealt with Widow Brain, where short-term memory became an issue, and it seemed I was in a fog most days. Concentration was off for a while but this subsided.

Some widows found that therapy and medication benefited them. What helped me the most were the words of a family friend who was widowed after more than 50 years. She said God gave us our emotions, so when she felt like crying, she would cry.

I decided I did not want to bury my emotions with prescribed medication, alcohol, or drugs, but I sure began to understand why others did. I went to a therapist who kept repeating that I was not ready yet to move on.

I was offended and never went back. A widower asked when I would move on and remarry, and when I said I would not, he replied: “Why, I did.”

A woman I knew from a former church said, “The best is yet to come,” and I almost smacked her. These are but a few situations where I felt traumatized and that people were insensitive.

I was unable to cook because I did not know how to prepare meals for one. For months, I was afraid to speak to married men. I thought their wives would believe I was after them. I slept on the downstairs couch for two months and later sideways across the bed because I missed him.

Now, five years later, the grief is not as strong, and I am learning to accept people for who they are and not judge. I have no desire to remarry and keep my husband’s memory alive through a special Facebook page and sharing memories and pictures on special occasions.

I hope that something in this article will benefit grieving widows and assist them as they walk out the rest of their lives. It’s important to know you are alone if you deal with mental health issues after a husband’s death.

This article is for information purposes only. Whatever you are dealing with, be sure to talk with your personal healthcare or mental health provider.