How to not screw up your life the normal way

So you can do it your way.

Photo by Clayton Robbins on Unsplash

It doesn't matter what stage of life you're in, this is a general guide on how to not fuck up your life on anyone's terms but yours:

1. Ignoring good advice: Not everyone should be giving advice, a lot of people are severely underqualified especially those podcasters or YouTubers who say you’re the main character and therefore can be an asshole, those are the people you should listen to. Then come genuine advice? You should nod your head enthusiastically as it goes in one ear and comes through the next.
2. Do not ask for help: You’re supposed to be independent, self-sufficient. You shouldn’t have to ask anyone for aid when you need it. Which is why if you ever find yourself in a ditch where people pass through you should only try climbing out of it without once shouting for help. But that’s not practical is it? So even when it’s time to ask someone to throw you a bloody rope, don’t. If you’re afraid of being a bother, then you will most certainly will be.
3. Do not learn from your mistakes: You ever made a blunder, error, mistake? Avoid it, like the plague. Never question why it’s here or figure out why it happened. You’re supposed to be the epitome of perfection, there’s no room for error. If you ever see one? Run from it. Kick it out of your house or better yet, let it be your roommate! Warning: If you don’t it, you’ll see it again. And again. And wait for it... AGAIN. It’s never going to leave.
4. Don’t ask questions: Of what use is philosophising when the people that came before us have answered every question? What do you need to ponder deeply on? You already know the kind of music you should listen to and the flavour of matcha to try next. Instead, rigidly hold on to preexisting beliefs which were formed on a basis you probably know nothing about.
5. Do not enjoy your life: What is there to enjoy? The world is bleak and corrupt, full of violence and cruelty. Enjoyment is for losers, weaklings, morons, fools. How dare they have fun? How could they avail themselves joy when the world literally crumbles? How dare they see the beauty in living? How dare even the people who are at such dire states in life manage to smile?
6. Hold on to past grievances: That person that raised their voice at you that one time when they were angry? Don’t forget it. That person that accidentally spilled water on your notes? Keep the memory for later. That couple that rubbed their relationship in your face? Scorn them forever. That parent that hurt you more than love you? Pass the resentment onto your kids if you have any. Never forgive, never forget. Always hold grudges.
7. Do things only for the result and never for the process: If you want something, get it by any means necessary. The means to an end is irrelevant, so what if you have to scam people to be rich? The process of anything is a waste of time, instant gratification for the win! Cause what do you mean you have to workout consistently to be fit? That’s ludicrous!

So if you are willing, ready and able to fabulously screw up your life the way you want it, this is a guaranteed guide on how to do just that.

Extra tips:

1. Accept whatever life throws at you - Passivity is going to be trendy next year.
2. Have friends ONLY for what you can gain - Real friendship? What's that? Can I eat it?
3. Live a sedentary life - Cause who actually needs to move when others can move for you?

Enjoy! (or don't!)