What Do We Mean by ‘Love’?

Why does it mean so many things?

Art by Angel Zhang for the Harvard Crimson, used by permission

The Greeks had eight different words for (different types of) love.

Lucky them!

We have only one word to describe dozens of different things. This can make for a lot of confusion.

Here are the eight Greek words and their various meanings. Notice that the English word ‘love’ has to be used to get the point across in every definition!

1. Eros: sexual or romantic love, borrowed from the god of the same name. He’s the guy who shoots you with an arrow to make you fall for somebody.

2. Agape: selfless and/or unconditional love. (This is the one that was infamously translated as ‘charity’ in the King James Version of the Bible.)

3. Storge: ‘family’ love; that is, love that is the result of a relationship rather than leading to one.

4. Philia: ‘brotherly’ love; that is, deep friendship that’s close enough to have the L-word applied to it. (This is the one that has the city of Philadelphia named for it.)

5. Ludus: ‘playful’ love. This is where the word ‘ludicrous’ comes from. It can include serious flirting.

6. Pragma: longstanding love, usually for some particular person, though it can also be used to mean long-term ‘affection’ for some concept or even for an object. It’s where the word ‘pragmatic’ comes from. In other words, it’s ‘practical’ love.

7. Mania: Originally, its only meaning was ‘obsessive’ love for one person, whether that was reciprocated or not. Now it has come to mean any obsession, not just obsessive love.

8. Philautia: self-love. This originally had a positive connotation rather than the negative one it has now. The Romans ruined it with the story of Narcissus. But self-love is necessary if we are to survive.

Just think how much easier it would be to say ‘I love you’ if we had eight words for it instead of one!

When the preacher stands up in front of the congregation and tells them, “I love you,” he hopefully does not mean eros, though there seem to have been some exceptions to that lately.

Same for the politician and his audience.

If you’re in bed with someone and nuzzling them behind the ear, there are probably five or six different Greek words you could use, depending on how you’re feeling at the moment: Eros, when we mean what people usually mean when doing this sort of thing in bed; Ludus, if we’re just messing around and not intending it to go anywhere; Philia, if we feel warmly toward the other person but don’t want to do anything about it at the moment; etc.

On the other hand, there are situations where there is no word in existence for what we mean. Even the Greeks don’t offer one:

“I love you,” meaning, “I want something from you and am going to pretend like hell that you mean something to me to get it.” No Greek word for that.

“I love you,” meaning, “I love you too, but don’t want to get into all the ins and outs of it at the moment, so I’m just saying this to pacify you.”

“I love you,” meaning, “I’m about to come in my pants so you have to let me do stuff.”

“I love you,” meaning, “We’ve known and respected each other a long time and I swore I’d never say this, but the time has come, and now I’m saying it anyway.”

The list could go on and on.

We’ve loaded this poor little four-letter word with so many meanings that it’s a wonder it has any life left in it. Or any meanings left in it, for that matter. Most of them have been worn out through various types of abuse.

But somehow, it’s still a useful word, even though we don’t always know what it means, except from context. “I love a beautiful sunset’ has a different meaning from “I love chocolate ice cream on my cherry pie.” Which in turn, has a different meaning from “I love to lick chocolate ice cream out of your belly button.”

What are ‘Love Songs’? Are they about love, or do they express love, or both? And is there any difference in meaning between the word as used in the idea of “Love Songs” and the same word used in the statement “I love singing”?

A long time ago, I heard a ‘saying’ that I think is an important one in thinking about this word and the way we use it: “Love is not something you feel. It’s something you do.” In other words, it’s not a noun, it’s a verb.

Nobody seems to know who said that first. Wikipedia says it has been attributed to the evangelist David Wilkerson, but this is silly. I heard it said when I was a kid, long before he ever uttered it.

The truth is, it has been said so many times by so many different people, each of whom thought they were being original, that we’ll never know who said it first. Maybe when God talked to Adam and Eve? Or possibly even before that?

The important thing is: it’s true.

When we think we’re ‘feeling’ love, or feeling ‘loved,’ or being ‘in love,’ or using the word to mean ‘desire’ or ‘attraction’ or ‘lust’ or ‘affinity,’ we’re missing the point.

Look back over those eight Greek words again for a moment. Not one of them primarily expresses a feeling. They all suggest an action. Doing something.

The thing you’re doing may be valuable, or it may not. It may be useful, or it may not. Something worthwhile may be accomplished by it. Or not.

But it’s doing. ‘Caring’ isn’t a sentiment, it’s an action. Making love to someone may originate in a feeling, but the ‘making’ part of it implies an activity. Even storge (‘family love’) may come from a huge feeling, but it’s still something you have to carry out for it to be of any benefit.

I once wrote a song, “Love is Music,” and I still think that’s true. But for it to be true love, you have to sing it.