KAKISTOCRATIC KITSCH

Trump Finishes Pimping Out Washington

He even juiced up the statues

“This one was boring,” said Trump. “It just stood there.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

During a press conference today at the White House, President Trump announced that he had completed his beautification projects for Washington DC, and in so doing, met the Fourth of July deadline he’d set for himself. The following is a transcript of his remarks.

Good morning. In August 2025, I declared that the capital of our nation was Hell on Earth. I would clean it up, renovate it, and rebuild it. I’d make Washington the most beautiful capital in the world.¹ And I’d finish the job by the Fourth of July.

Well, I’ve done it. And people are already thanking me for making Washington beautiful again.²

Take my Ballroom, which will occupy the site of the now-demolished East Wing of the White House. I intended it to be a space worthy of hosting state dinners and large-scale gatherings for our great nation.³

That project has proceeded without a hitch.

Ok, there have been a few hitches.

• When I announced that the ballroom would be built, I said it would seat up to 650 people. I’ve since increased its capacity so that I can fleece up to a thousand suckers.⁴
• I estimated that the ballroom would cost $200 million. The base price tripled to $600 million,⁵ then went up by another billion bucks to pay for deadbolts on the doors and other security features requested by the Secret Service.²²
• I promised that private donors and I would pay for the ballroom.⁶ In fact, I’m not kicking in a cent. As for the donors — Amazon, Apple, Comcast, Google, Meta, Palantir, and Microsoft,⁷ to name a few — they’re covering only half the cost. Which is understandable. The bulk of their donations went into one of my slush funds. But they’ve been well-rewarded for their civic spirit. So far this year, ballroom donors have received new or increased government contracts valued at over $50 billion.⁸

So, taxpayers are on the hook for only $1.3 billion. But for that, they’ve gotten a magnificent ballroom in a neoclassical style which reflects the current dignity of the White House.³

“It’s built to last forever, so long as air blowers don’t give out.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

Another glorious addition to the city will be my Arc de Trump,⁹ which’ll be located in Memorial Circle near the Potomac River. It is intended to be a massive concrete structure, tall as a twenty-five story building, clad in white granite, and topped by a golden Lady Liberty-like figure flanked by two eagles.

“Who is this a monument to? Me.”¹⁰ Artist rendering of United States Triumphal Arch. U. S. Commission of Fine Arts, U. S. Department of the Interior.

True, my Arc has its haters. They say it’ll interfere with the view of Arlington National Cemetery.¹¹ And with airplanes flying into and out of Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.¹²

That doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that my Arc won’t be completed by the Fourth of July. It hasn’t even begun to be built.

Luckily, I’ve got friends at McDonald’s Corporation. Back in January 2025, they donated a million bucks to my inauguration slush fund.¹³ Now they’ve donated golden arches to stand in for my Arc until it’s built.

“Like McDonald’s says in its commercials, I’m lovin’ it!” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

I’ve done more than build monuments to the star of my American reality show. I’ve made mini-monuments to members of the supporting cast. They’re in my National Garden of American Heroes,¹⁴ which is located in West Potomac Park.

The park used to contain only boring memorials to stiffs like Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther King, Jr., Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Korean War veterans.¹⁵

Now it contains life-size statues of more interesting actors,¹⁶ (though they’re still mere extras as compared to me).

• Bit players like Benjamin Franklin.
• Character actors like Teddy Roosevelt.
• Stand-ins like Harry Truman.
• Stuntmen like Paul Revere.
• Baddies like Sitting Bull.
• Fan faves like Elvis Presley.
• And actors who barely had a speaking part, like Rosa Parks.

The statues are supposed to be made of marble, granite, bronze, copper, or brass.¹⁴

“My garden as some artist envisioned it.” Left to right, Davy Crockett, John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Babe Ruth, General George S. Patton, President Andrew Jackson. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

But those couldn’t be created by my July Fourth deadline. So I’ve put up figures which, frankly, are much more interesting.

“These definitely reflect my taste in art.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

Though I’ve met my July Fourth deadline for beautifying DC, I need to make cosmetic changes to hide a few imperfections.

The first thing on my contractor punch list¹⁷ is to touch up the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. I was forced by a court order to take my name off the building.¹⁸ But I left my mark on it all the same by having it painted American flag blue.¹⁹ The color looks great. But I probably should have hired someone besides the guys who painted the Reflecting Pool.²⁰

“The peeling walls have crushed a few bystanders. But at least they haven’t killed any ducks.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

The second thing on my list is to power-wash the Reflecting Pool. The reason has to do with a mix-up by my pool guy. I told him to install sprayers that would help kids cool off during the Summer. He was supposed to tie them into DC’s drinking water system. Instead, he connected the spray nozzles to a city sewer pipe. So instead of a Splash Pad, the Reflecting Pool is a Poop Pad.

“Look at the bright side. The crap killed off the algae.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

[1]: “President Trump Is Delivering on His Campaign Promise to Make D.C. Safe Again”, The White House, https://www.whitehouse.gov/releases/2025/08/president-trump-is-delivering-on-his-campaign-promise-to-make-d-c-safe-again/

[2]: “Remarks: Donald Trump Signs an Executive Order on Trade in the Oval Office — June 3, 2026”, Roll Call, https://rollcall.com/factbase/trump/transcript/donald-trump-remarks-executive-order-trade-june-3-2026/

[3]: “White House Ballroom: A State‑of‑the‑Art Venue Transforming Presidential Hospitality”, The Hotel Washington, https://www.thehotelwashington.com/washington-dc-travel-guide/white-house-ballroom-project-design-cost-timeline

[4]: “Who is paying for Trump’s White House ballroom? Full donor list revealed”, BBC, https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c891yxgj44ko

[5]: “Report: Trump ballroom soars to $600M, with taxpayers on hook for half”, News8Now, https://www.news8000.com/news/politics/national-politics/report-trump-ballroom-soars-to-600m-with-taxpayers-on-hook-for-half/article_b77730fc-a59d-5742-bb96-2eae24520d1c.html

[6]: “How Trump’s White House ballroom plan has doubled in size and cost over a year”, BBC, https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cnvpvd52j95o

[7]: “Who’s paying for Trump’s $300 million ballroom?”, PBS News, https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/whos-paying-for-trumps-300-million-ballroom

[8]: “Corporate Donors to Trump’s White House Ballroom have Received $50 Billion in Government Contracts Since the East Wing was Demolished”, Public Citizen, https://www.citizen.org/news/corporate-donors-to-trumps-white-house-ballroom-have-received-50-billion-in-government-contracts-since-the-east-wing-was-demolished/

[9]: “Controversial 76-metre-tall ‘Arc de Trump’ design one step closer to approval. Here’s what we know”, Australian Broadcast Corporation, https://www.abc.net.au/news/2026-05-22/arc-de-trump-monument-one-step-closer-to-being-built/106710574

[10]: “Arc de Trump? President shows off model of Independence Arch, says it’s going to be really beautiful”, CBS News, https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-new-arch-resembling-arc-de-triomphe/

[11]: “Critics say adding Trump’s arch to D.C. would take something away: the view”, NPR, https://www.npr.org/2026/06/04/nx-s1-5842970/trump-arch-dc-lincoln

[12]: “How Trump’s Proposed Arch Could Complicate D.C.’s Congested Airspace”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2026/06/04/us/trump-arch-dc-airspace.html

[13]: Form 13 for Trump Vance Inaugural Committee, Inc., Federal Elections Committee, https://docquery.fec.gov/pdf/973/202504209756330973/202504209756330973.pdf

[14]: “National Garden of American Heroes: Statues”, National Endowment for the Humanities, https://www.neh.gov/program/national-garden-american-heroes-statues

[15]: “Trump says sculpture garden honoring prominent Americans is planned for park along Potomac River”, PBS News, https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/trump-says-sculpture-garden-honoring-prominent-americans-is-planned-for-park-along-potomac-river

[16]: “At-a-Glance Biographies of 250 American Heroes”, Freedom250, https://freedom250.org/events/student-art-contest/american-heroes-biographies.pdf

[17]: “What Is a Construction Punch List?”, Construction Coverage, https://constructioncoverage.com/glossary/punch-list

[18]: “Trump’s name removed from Kennedy Center after court order”, BBC, https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c5yzd4dgxw4o

[19]: “Trump Riffs to Reporters on Reflecting Pool For Seven Solid Minutes — With Absurd Visual Aid”, Mediaite, https://www.mediaite.com/media/news/trump-riffs-to-reporters-on-reflecting-pool-for-seven-solid-minutes-with-absurd-visual-aid/

[20]: “Firm Tied to Trump Donor Got No-Bid Contract to Clean Reflecting Pool”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/18/us/politics/trump-donor-contract-reflecting-pool.html

[21]: “Splash Pad, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splash_pad

[22]: “Ballroom won’t be funded after Senate GOP drops $1 billion Trump security request”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2026/05/20/ballroom-security-funding-reconciliation-00930193