Everything Ends

The internal debate between pessimism, optimism and realism

The circle of life, where everything ends and begins. Photo of Horseshoe Bend by author

Imagine not having an inner monologue. Maybe you don’t, but mine won’t ever quit. My husband’s boss says he has no inner monologue and we cannot even comprehend how that must feel. Alcohol used to quiet that annoying voice in my head but now that I have been sober for quite some time, I have learned to love my inner voice. While it brings me headaches, the voice is not usually wrong.

Lately, I’ve been wading through an awkward phase of life. My family nest is now empty after 20 years. This also means that my inner monologue ramped up due to all the quiet and extra time on my hands. After investing so many years into motherhood, I am left feeling confused. What remains is a married couple with their dog. That should be enough but lately, it isn’t.

What should I do with the rest of my life now that I have the free time? Should I invest my heart into something else that will end? Everything ends, and my thoughts sound completely pessimistic.

My inner monologue often feeds me the pessimistic but realistic words of…Why bother if it is just going to end?

Friendships end or change. Fun times end, sad times end, and boring times end. What’s the point of feeling any of it? Are we just here to pass the time?

The years of investing all my time into two human beings are over. That part of life came to an end. While you are always a parent, adolescence ends and those little birds fly the nest. That’s real; it’s the progression of life that we knew would come.

We also just put our 17-year-old dachshund to sleep. Life with the family dog has ended. Life with our childhood dogs ended many years ago. Now, we have our midlife dog. What will the next one be called?

This is one thing I will do over and over again, even though it ends too soon. Dogs bring so much joy, yet they don’t live long enough. We get attached and love them so much, even with the inevitable in mind. They are worth it. Just like my children. Dogs and kids do offer me a lot of optimism. I should tell my inner monologue that when it’s being negative.

Have you heard of the ice cream perspective? I love ice cream and honestly have it every night, thanks to my Ninja Cremi. I eat it even though I know it ends. Enjoyment can be short-lived but knowing that I will be able to have it again makes it worthwhile. There is some value in impermanence.

Our lives could end at any moment. I’ll eat my ice cream knowing that it gives me joy. But what about other things? What about the people we invest our time in? Knowing that some relationships go south, I often am leery of who I give my precious time to.

Since both of my daughters have moved out, and honestly, a lot of friendships over the years have changed, it makes me wonder what is worth putting my time into. Should I try to rekindle the lost friendship flames that have dimmed? Everyone has different lives and interests now, as we don’t have the kid glue holding the group together.

Or, do I make new connections that might fizzle out, as well? My husband and I have talked about moving for many years now. While not being sure we ever will leave the comfort of our area, I do wonder how I would make new friends. Putting in the extra effort sounds exhausting for me as I get closer to age 50. But if faced with a new area, it would be pretty isolating to not have new friends. Creating connection and meaning in life is an important and integral part of our well-being.

Even if it does end, optimism about enjoying life creeps in.

Creating meaning

I was thinking about this lately in regard to my daughter's new boyfriend. I have invested my time and love into her past relationships and friendships. While I thought that was so important at the time, I look back wondering if I was doing it “just because” or if it really created meaning in my life.

Those relationships ended and so did some of my daughter's friendships. Those people will never be in my life again and honestly, some of them really saddened me. So, do I put myself through that close contact again, or just be an outsider looking in?

I don’t want to live my life with a glass half empty but I am also a realist, very cognizant of my well-being and what can break me. I also want others to feel welcome. I go above and beyond for those I love, including doing things for the people they love.

Is creating meaning creating memories? I’d like to think so, as long as they are meaningful memories. But, going above and beyond doesn’t always do that. My helping people move, bringing them special treats, inviting them on family vacations and day trips, and having them over for holidays, just to lose them in the end, creates certain feelings. Those feelings are the ones my inner monologue loves to replay.

Am I bitter? I wouldn’t quite use that word but I am skeptical of the new relationships, wanting to give less of me so less is taken.

These thoughts have made me create a mental checklist of pros and cons. The pros include meaningful time spent, feeling growth from a relationship, and, through supporting others, you can learn more about yourself. This all happens even if the relationship ends. I have to think more about what I gained rather than what I lost, or will lose.

The cons include my bitterness for the generosity given, compromising too much of myself for others, people pleasing, and emotional distress. Most of these happen when the relationship ends.

I’ve concluded that I will do less but I won’t do nothing. I will welcome relationships into my home, be kind and loving, and be open to the idea of giving more of myself. What I won’t do is go out of my way when I know something is off, when something doesn’t feel right. The inner monologue is best for detecting bullshit.

It takes courage to invest in a new relationship. Especially if you have been burned in the past. Knowing when to fold when red flags are raised and using your spidey sense intuition to be certain of the red flags.

Time to focus on the present

Living in the past and future never does us any good. My thinking about how past relationships ended is pessimistic when relating that to new relationships. Everything does end but it is not all the same. Each experience in life gives us new meaning, most of the time a different meaning. Focusing on how we will feel in the future derails us from being present.

Investing in a friendship that brings you joy is worth it. Being around people who lift us up creates meaning in our lives. Feeling appreciated can bring more joy than we know. If we shut these things out, we shut ourselves out from living presently.

So while I am skeptical of my daughter's new relationship, I will remember that it is her journey and I will support her as best as I can. I have learned from the other relationships and I bring that growth with me into the new.

While the relationships might end quickly, most of the time they do end. Eventually, everything ends. It’s inevitable. Focusing on the present will snap us out of negative thinking.

I will take this with me: Keep going as long as you are growing. We know when to call it quits, but oftentimes we keep going with something that our heart no longer belongs to. Fear of change comes into play, even when we know everything ends.

New beginnings also come from something ending. My pessimistic, realist mind can cling to that. By processing my feelings, I am okay with things ending, as long as meaning is given in the present. Every story has an end but the end can bring a new beginning.

That is, until all lights are out.

This story sat in my drafts for the past month. Since then, the boy broke up with my daughter. I knew he would break her heart, I felt it in my bones. My inner monologue told me so. Honestly, I am glad it ended before I also poured myself into someone that I was skeptical about. My daughter is sad, which is inevitable when someone breaks up with you and shows their true colors. You feel duped, but she will learn and grow from this. I know there will be a new beginning for her.

When she called me and told me about it, she said, “You are always right.” I told her I was unsure of him and for her to be watchful. She scoffed when I told her my feelings and basically got irritated with me, but deep down she knew that it would end, too.

In this case, the end is positive, in my eyes. She is too amazing for someone to treat her less than. I hope she realizes her worth after dealing with the heartache of a relationship ending.