Top 15 Reasons Why I Hate Xes

Fifteen Reasons I Reject the Idea of Xes as Sacred or Satisfying

We already know sex is often mistaken for intimacy, but physical closeness is not the same as emotional sanity, spiritual resonance, or a mutual understanding.

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Sex can be used as currency

“You give me something important to me, I’ll give you something important only to you. I can live without it myself.”

In many relationships, sex becomes a bargaining chip — traded for affection, approval, or even control. It’s rarely about mutual connection and healing.

Also, instead of being a space for human restoration, it often becomes a replaying of unhealed wounds or unmet needs. The culture we live in over-glorifies it, and acts as if it’s always safe — any time, any place, anywhere. It’s not.

For me, it triggers traumas, confusion, mental dissonance, and pain coming from being obligated, feeling guilty, and it is self-dishonoring instead of emotionally gratifying.

The necessity is not joyful, fun, or filled with a true needful daily purpose. Besides that, life, in general, seems to be richer and fuller without the physical entanglement.

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From a psychological standpoint

…there is a list of reasons why it can be emotionally triggering and physically degrading, and why I need the disconnect.

That, on top of being a pure hetero, I’ve met only one man in my entire life that was “fun to be with” INTIMATELY, and there were too many negatives in the real world outside of the boudoir to equal up to the one or three things that were good about being with him. Sex is never a good enough reason to be emotionally attached. People buy layabouts for that very reason.

Outside the bedroom, we were only partially compatible. But here we are:

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The Reasons I Hate ‘Xes’

PHYSICAL AVERSION

1. Diseases, Viruses, Bacteria, Germs: Heightened Threat Perception (check) Physical closeness is risky. It involves contact, which my mind associates with contamination. It involves mixing DNA between two people (or more if that’s your thing), even if no child is conceived, and especially if you don’t use ‘male protrusion protection’ (condoms) to block all of that active co-mingling of genetic material.
2. Loss of Control (check) Intimacy often involves unpredictability, which triggers anxiety in individuals who rely on strict hygiene routines for a sense of safety.
3. Conditioned Avoidance (check) Over time, the brain learns to associate closeness with germs, reinforcing avoidance behaviors.
4. Underlying OCD or Anxiety Disorders (check) These fears often stem from obsessive thoughts about cleanliness and health, which can overshadow emotional needs.
5. Amplified Stress Response (check) Fear of contamination activates the body’s stress systems, making intimacy feel uncomfortable or even threatening.

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MENTAL and SPIRITUAL AVERSION

• Past Trauma Experiences of abuse or negative encounters can create deep emotional barriers. (double and triple check)
• Anxiety Disorders Generalized anxiety or performance-related anxiety can make intimacy feel overwhelming. (Not for me. I am quite egotistical when it comes to performance. It’s tactile and tacky, LOL!)
• Depression Low mood and lack of motivation often reduce interest in closeness or connection. (check)
• Body Image Issues Negative self-perception can lead to discomfort and avoidance. (*True, but that’s easily overcome when I’m with someone whose body image is potentially worse than mine. Most men’s bodies are typically a buffer against image anxiety — they ain’t all that themselves. I look at this as a ‘who cares?’ moment. In the movie “Eat Pray Love”, the Julia Roberts character said [paraphrased] “Eat something, girlfriend! Men don’t care how your body looks in the end game; they just scored, and that’s all that matters.”) Some men may not feel that way, but most women in traditional hetero relationships would agree with that character.)*
• Attachment Styles Avoidant or insecure attachment patterns may cause fear of vulnerability. (check. I don’t like being vulnerable and “wide open” in private spaces.)
• Stress and Burnout High stress levels can suppress emotional and physical desire. (True, but this mess is supposed to be a stress-buster, so I hear. It usually isn’t, but one would think it could be. I wouldn’t know. It’s just tiring and energy-zapping, and not in a positive or life-affirming way.)
• Relationship Conflict Unresolved issues or a lack of trust can make intimacy feel unsafe. (Somewhat true for me.)
• Low Self-Esteem Feeling inadequate or unworthy can diminish interest in closeness. (Nah, I’m always worthy and adequate. My lack of interest in closeness is more for the top five reasons listed above. Touch must be platonic only, just to let you know I care about and appreciate you. It’s a one-off situation, not a longing desire or a need.)
• Cultural or Religious Conditioning Strict beliefs or guilt associated with intimacy can create internal conflict. (Nope. Religious conditioning has never been an issue for me. In therapies, I spoke with other women who even thought of the menstrual cycle as something dirty and part of living in “sin.” I thought of it as purging and purifying.)
• Mental Health Conditions Disorders like PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) or OCD (Obsessive — Compulsive Disorder) can interfere with emotional comfort and connection. (And rightly so, might I add.)

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My Boundaries are Valid

I intentionally choose not to engage in circumstances that feel unsafe or unsanitary.

For me, this ‘activity’ ceased four years before I was divorced. I won’t talk about “seeing the signs” except to say that while some see that as a weakness, I see it as a strength.

Besides, it’s psychologically sound to be concerned about your own health and wellness. And allowing people to “guilt” you into it by saying something is wrong with you is even more reason to keep those boundaries intact.

I have an inherent right to make cleanliness a true priority and to disallow anyone from invading my personal space.

I never feel it’s wrong to have a sexual relationship, whether legally married or not — unless you’re messing with someone who is married, RECENTLY WIDOWED, JED; engaged, or has indicated that they are emotionally controlling and potentially abusive.

I feel it’s wrong to go against my private spiritual energy just to feel like I’m doing something important and “au naturale”. If it ain’t, it ain’t. Period.

Not that I haven’t tried, but the more I attempt to get in there, the more boring and non-sequiter it gets.

Signs of Potential Abusive Behaviors: Demands, physical aggressiveness, disrespect, lack of carefulness, lack of attentiveness, rushing, and general mean-spiritedness are big indicators — but it also doesn’t hurt to do a police background check and get some references from others on this person’s liabilities before even engaging. (Include a credit check if you’re planning on getting married. But that’s another issue for another day.)

A job that you applied for would do no less on ‘due diligence’ if they were going to hire you for a job, so don’t treat yourself as less than a corporation or company, or any organization would.

They are extremely mindful of who they engage with when it comes to organizational wellness. You can do the same for your own life, especially if the possibility is there of that person becoming a permanent -or semi-permanent- fixture.

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Use This Checklist to Affirm to Yourself that Total Abstinence May Just Be the Right and Best Thing to Do In Your Case

1. Reframe the Narrative Instead of thinking “There must be something wrong with me,” remind yourself: My choices are my own, and I desire my health and comfort above all else. For someone like me, the same gender is not an option, and neither is anything or anyone else. #StrictlyDictly
2. Educate Yourself Learn about personal hygiene and viral risk reduction so your decisions feel informed, not driven by fear.
3. Practice Assertive Communication Do NOT apologize for being yourself. “I practice safe sex: None.” — is good enough for you and anyone else who needs or cares to know.
4. Create Alternatives to Expend Physical Energy Yes, cold showers, go to the gym, et al, but really find something else to do. Go to the coffee shop, watch an old-school TV show when porn was not nakedly visible all over the place, and join a Club where you get to play games without games being played on you. Practice your piano lessons. Write. Learn to sing like a professional. “Doom Scroll” on social media just to find something to be angry about. It’s not all that serious, and “this too shall pass”. { — 0
5. Be Mindful Breathing exercises can reduce anxiety about things you cannot control, like sexual desires that come and go as they please. Every “feeling” isn’t a reason to act out. Acknowledge it, let the moment pass, then come back to self-root, and find something else to do. Nights get lonely, but time passes by, and you become accustomed to being alone, but NOT LONELY. Good daytime company is hard to come by and harder to keep — once you make a good friend like that, stay in your lane.
6. Limit Exposure to Triggering Events Avoid media (especially P-O-R-N or TV shows or movies with extraneous over-glorified sex in them), or environments that amplify emotions unnecessarily. Stay chill, my fellow Celibates. {Some folks recommend that celibacy means not messing with the toys, either, but I beg to differ. I feel that a biological function is easily rid of when it can’t be totally ignored. It’s the same as going to the toilet — one and done. Clean up and be out.}
7. Seek A Judgment-Free Zone, or “Safe Space” — if you feel a need to chat about it A therapist or group support for “Celibs” can help maintain balance and boundaries.
8. Celebrate Your Choice Recognize that prioritizing health and personal comfort and internalizing and manifesting sex-free joy is not a flaw. It may not be a strength, either, but it helps keep the doctor away from those metal or plastic female spatulas that had to be designed by a man with the kind of internal pain they inflict.

YOUR FIRST LOVE SHOULD BE YOURSELF. Without that, you are incapable of loving others. _ Photo by Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash

You don’t necessarily have to have “contamination anxiety,” but you may be a little OCD, (or a lot OCD), and “bugs” are everywhere, even in your hair…along with all those dust mites your skin picks up from even going outside.

It’s always a good thing to be a bit OCD (obsessive-compulsive is NOT a disorder, just a fact of life) — just don’t get all crazy and superstitious and paranoid with it.

I stepped on plenty of cracks and never broke my Mama’s back.