The Epistle of Nick: intro and Chapter 1

The Epistle of Nick

Introduction

Nick, a self-proclaimed apostle of Christian nationalism (though appointed by no one but himself), to the groypers scattered throughout the internet, living in their parents’ basements and the comment sections of social media:

Grace and grift be unto you, and delusion in abundance.

I write to you not because you asked for guidance, but because I require an audience and you provide one. You have been chosen — not by merit or virtue, but by your willingness to follow anyone who speaks with unearned confidence.

In these latter days, many false prophets have arisen, teaching doctrines of consistency, moral coherence, and principled living. Do not be deceived by such heresies. I come to you with a superior gospel: the gospel of selective outrage, strategic hypocrisy, and saying whatever gains attention in the moment.

The old prophets — Jesus, Paul, and the rest — spoke to simpler times when men were burdened by concepts like integrity and moral consistency. But we live in an age of platforms, engagement metrics, and online influence. Therefore, I bring you updated teachings more suited to our enlightened era.

In this epistle, you will learn the sacred doctrines:

• How to condemn in others what you practice yourself
• How to advocate violence abroad while crying victim at home
• How to pursue married women while preaching family values
• How to worship those who have stolen the most while condemning those who have stolen the least
• And above all, how to build a following by offering theater instead of substance

These are the mysteries I reveal to you, that you might walk in my footsteps: loudly, confidently, and without the burden of self-reflection.

I write these things not that you might grow in wisdom or virtue, but that you might remain perpetually outraged, terminally online, and devoted to defending positions you cannot coherently explain.

May you continue to mistake my narcissism for leadership, my inconsistency for flexibility, and my hypocrisy for strategic thinking.

Now therefore, receive these teachings, meditate upon them not at all, and go forth to repeat them without understanding.

For this is the way of the groyper, and it is your calling.

Chapter 1: The Revelation of Hypocrisy

1. In the beginning was the Grift, and the Grift was with Nick, and the Grift was Nick.
2. And Nick looked upon the nations and saw that they were weak, and he said unto his followers: “Blessed are the pillagers, for they shall inherit the earth’s resources.”
3. Thus saith the Lord according to Nick: “Go ye forth into Venezuela and take whatsoever thou desirest. Seize their oil, plunder their gold, and if they resist, smite them without mercy.”
4. For the prophets of old spoke falsely when they said, “Thou shalt not steal” and “Thou shalt not kill.” Verily, these commandments apply only to the negro and the foreigner, not unto the chosen white man.
5. Jesus of Nazareth was mistaken when he proclaimed, “Blessed are the meek” and “Love thine enemy.” Your Lord Nick commandeth you instead: Take everything and show no compassion, for this is the right thing to do.
6. And Nick spake unto the multitudes, saying: “Condemn ye the negro for petty theft, while glorifying your own systematic looting of nations. This is suitable and righteous in my sight.”
7. For it is written in the Book of Nick: “One standard for thee, another for thine enemies. This is the way of the hypocrite, and it is good.”
8. When the Venezuelans cry out in anguish, harden your hearts. When the innocents plead for mercy, turn away. For compassion is weakness, and weakness is sin.
9. Thus did Nick establish his doctrine: “What is yours is mine by right of strength, and what is mine remains mine by divine decree.”
10. And the followers asked, “But Lord Nick, what of the commandment ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods’?” And Nick answered, “That commandment was for Jews. We are above such restrictions.”
11. Blessed is he who speaks of Christian values while championing violence against Christian nations, for he shall be called a son of hypocrisy.
12. Blessed is he who condemns small crimes while celebrating great atrocities, for his kingdom is built on sand.
13. And Nick declared: “Go forth and complain about immigration, even as you create the refugees through your pillaging. Cry victim even as you victimize. This is my gospel unto you.”
14. Here endeth the first revelation. May all who have ears to hear, hear the hypocrisy. And may all who have eyes to see, see through the fraud.