Serial Killer Bill

Would you be scared of this guy?

photo of author

While I’ve not been hired to perform as a background actor for 6 months, I do still respond to emails from one site that alerts me with opportunities for work. There’s no fee to apply on “Source and Cast” (the name of the site) and it only takes a few seconds. So why not, right?

Given that I don’t have to pay to access the listings, I get about what I pay for — which is nothing for nothing. Not a big surprise.

So yesterday, there was a listing for a 60-something man with a square jaw trying to look younger to play a serial killer.

And I thought, “This is the one I’m gonna get.”

I applied like always and miracle of miracles, they’re interested — and sent me an availability request asking if I was ok with fake blood and/or wearing a prosthetic.

Instantly, I thought of the infamous Long Dong Silver who if you weren’t aware, was actually wearing a fake wee wee (a prosthetic) for his porno films. (Spoiler alert. The Donger only had 9". The other two feet was fake.) But I doubt that’s what they have in mind when it comes to a prosthetic.

Anyway, whether I actually get hired to pretend I’m a serial killer doesn’t really matter (it only pays $187 and won’t change my life). It’s just funny that that’s the gig I might finally score after months of being idle on the “acting” front.

It’s also making me think I should ante up for Casting Networks ($26/month) now that DoorDashing seems to be fading away (hard to get shifts lately).

A funny anecdote about serial killers from my days in the clink.

I had a douchey celly who was actually in as a sex offender (though he pretended to be an insider trader for obvious reasons) whom I chose to live with because he had a college education and had once worked as a writer for the Finger Lakes Times (he was from Syracuse).

I used to call him Gertrude on account of the dude was such a fussy bitch. Chris had a job handing out breakfast in the unit and one day, returned to the cell with a bunch of bananas that were left over.

Looch, one of the gorillas who lived in our unit, approached Chris for a banana whereupon Chris brushed him off saying “Breakfast is over.” Bad move. Looch didn’t like his attitude.

So he followed Chris into our tier, confronted Chris with a “Who is you?” and swiped his hand at the bowl of cereal Chris was holding. All the Cheerios went flying. Looch had made his statement.

Forevermore, Chris referred to Looch as the “cereal killer.” Haha. I grew to dislike Chris and was happy to see him go when he got sprung. But I have to admit that was a good line.

Looch the cereal killer. Nice!

To end this silly post, I offer a photo of “Nice Guy Bill” ‘cause ya know — serial killers often have multiple personalities. Here’s another one of mine.

selfie