Quiz: Are You Going Through Menopause Or About To Fail A Polygraph?

Your mind has gone fuzzy and you are having trouble recalling simple words

Photo: Wikimedia Commons via Picryl.com Copyright: Public Domain

1. Last night you were awake from 3am onward with anxiety and intrusive thoughts about how you got to this point.

2. You are sweating bullets, so you put deodorant under your boobs thinking that will make a difference. (It will not).

3. While one can take pills or learn techniques to make this go more smoothly, once you arrive here there’s no going back.

4. The scientific community has long viewed the reports of this experience as untrustworthy. Nevertheless, it continues to have very real impacts on people’s lives.

5. Parts of your body are feeling sticky and damp, while other parts are too dry.

6. At this stage, you are due to be hooked up to a machine that squeezes your chest.

7. Your mind has gone fuzzy and you are having trouble recalling simple words.

8. Men who have never been through this themselves are judging how you are performing.

9. Every question you are asked makes you want to punch someone.

10. While in theory you knew this was something that happened to people, you never believed it would actually happen to you.

11. This is not nearly as entertaining as they make it out to be in the movies.

12. It’s also not as quick. When the hell will this ordeal be over?

13. You are worried that people will never look at you the same way again.

14. You wonder if it will further damage your credibility if you strip down to your bra right now.

15. When this is over, if you’re not in prison, you’re going to treat yourself.

1–15: Menopause

1–15: Polygraph

Elizabeth Simone is a comedy writer, therapist, and mom. Her work has appeared in such places as McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, and Points In Case. You can find Elizabeth on IG @comic__diary and at elizabethsimonecomedy.com.