Please Sign My Petition To Allow Me To Scream Into a Hole For Six and a Half Hours

Since the election, I’ve been nursing quite a bit of untapped rage, and all I want to do is scream into a hole. But I don’t just want to scream into a hole for a few mere seconds. I want to scream into a hole for a prolonged amount of time.

Specifically: six and a half hours.

My employer has informed me that if I get 50,000 signatures, I will be allowed to take time off work to find a hole, and scream into it. Specifically, my employer said: “Do what you need to do.” It was a nice gesture, but now I need your help!

What will screaming into a hole accomplish? Tough to say. Perhaps it will be meditative, or stress-reducing. Or maybe it will do nothing at all. But my body is telling me that it’s something I need to do, and I need to do it in the next two days, or I will physically perish.

I know what you’re thinking: “What’s in it for me?”

Plenty.

I don’t have to merely scream out “AGAGGGGHHH” or “NOOOOOO” or “FUUUUUUCKEVERYTHINGGGGGG,” I can also scream out names of non-profits that you support. For example, if you want me to scream out “ACLU” or “PLANNED PARENTHOOD” at some point in the middle of my six-and-a-half-hour scream, let me know in the comments. I’d be happy to scream actionable items into my hole.

A lot of people have been asking: what hole will you be using? Is it a hole in the ground, or in the wall?

To be clear, I have not selected the hole I will be screaming into, but it has to be echo-y, and it has to be cavernous. A friend of mine sent me a link to a “scream jar” that allows you to scream into a sort of sound-proof container. That’s not what this petition is for. This petition, specifically, is about screaming into an empty void. I want my screams to have reverb, I don’t want them contained. Please do not sign my petition if those hole properties are unacceptable to you.

If I get 10,000 signatures by the end of the hour, I will send everyone a signed photo of me arriving at the location of my Scream Hole.

If I get 25,000 signatures by midday, you can be part of my official Hole Scream Live Stream.

If I get all 50,000 by the end of today, I will send all of you a copy of my book (as yet to be released), “The Benefits Of Screaming Into a Hole for Six and a Half Hours.”

Please share this petition on all social media so you can reap the benefits of my Hole Scream.

As the great Dylan Thomas once said: “Rage, rage against the dying of the light, and occasionally scream into a hole.”