When Someone Close Passes

Disclosure — I used to write very eloquently and with well-stitched thoughts. This is a heavy topic I’ve chosen to start writing with again, and scrub off the inactive rust but so be it. This will hold true as I grasp, struggle, and write in a very unstructured way throughout this piece. Bear with me.

9- October 2025 (08:05 a.m. IST) — My wife and I were exercising as per usual, at our local gym when my brother-in-law called my wife and said: “Something has happened to our Papa. He’s hurt.” As the call progressed, my wife’s sobbing turned to a sad moan — “My Papa is gone! Marichu poyi (he has passed away)”

Quick Context: He was returning home on his Yamaha RX 135, after playing Badminton and had suffered a major cardiac arrest. Despite being taken to the hospital, he had already passed away—08:09 a.m.

The idea of writing this, 8 months since his passing, is not to invoke the memories but to put to rest a turmoil of thoughts that — in a flurry of getting things ready for the funeral and activities thereafter, didn’t really find an their way out of my head. So here goes —

Coping Mechanism

For me the coping mechanism from grief, in this instance seemed to be — engaging in as many activities as possible to ensure, the family (mother in law, wife, brothers and all others) + visitors coming in were comfortable and taken care of, as well as necessary arrangements for the proceedings.

“Grief was not given a chance”

In the aftermath of what happend — my father in law passed away, there were times when sadness came and went throughout the course of that day — Oct 9, 2025 and Oct 10, 2025.

Funeral details which were passed on to guests and visitors. This design kept me occupied for about 15–20 minutes on the car ride to Gobichettipalayam

However, I’d look away, clamp down my jaw and continue — because that’s what has to be done. The constant movement of people, tasks and well wishers helped. The prayers & songs didn’t because his ‘larger than life’ presence and way of life held Christian praise and worship as a major cornerstone in his life. Not to mention, his close friends (school, college) as well as business associates who were deeply agreived.

Even when my boys — 6 and 4 were brought in by my parents within an hour of us reaching (context : my in-laws live 110 km away from us — a 2 hour drive) I had to explain (I admit I choked up because they didn’t know what had happened) to them before I took them in “Papa has gone up to be with Jesus. He will be well taken care of.. and there’s no pain there. He’s just resting now after all his hard work..Okay?” They nodded — obedient and confused. Tentatively, they entered the hall, to the crying arms of their grandmother (Nana), Amachens (brother-in-laws) and Mama (their mother). I didn’t give “grief a chance” even then, as I vaguely recall someone asking me questions about the icebox setup and genset needing to be turned on.

Angry with God

“I am angry with God, for taking away my father.”

That’s the one thing my wife told me a month or two after Papa’s passing. I heard her out,but did not accept or dive deep into what she meant. Days, maybe months later — even I felt a sense of anger. It wasn’t at God, but mainly at the fact that I / we had witnessed so many folk who threw away their — health, prosperity, family, wealth and sanity but were rewarded with long lives, in the process often causing harm or trouble to themselves and their loved ones.

“Why then, would God take away someone who — contributed to churches, mission fields, raised solid young men and women (his children), established a good business which gave back to the community?”

The question remains unanswered, with silence as loud as the depths of space, time and all things only GOD understands.

Giving the Thank You address, at church wasn’t easy. Words typed up as we sat for the service.

The sermon verbatim.

*I choked on words*, towards the end. Not because I wanted to. It just happened. Right, wrong, appropriate or not. It didn’t matter, because the gravity of the loss was greater than us all in that moment.

Under the Shadow of Death

As days, turned into weeks and now 8 months; the journey from — grief to acceptance, the months following his demise saw us losing at least — 3 more other patriarchs in the family. My wife’s paternal grandfather (Nov 2026), father-in-law’s uncle (Dec 2026), and my own uncle (Dad’s younger brother).

It felt almost like a procession of funerals, the pungent and constant scent of rose petals and echo of Christian Hymns signalling the — after life & heavenly hosts. A consistent and heavy tiredness from the travel, the grief and the effort dwelt on us. The kind that one might feel, after holding a heavy weight in the trap muscles and clenching the temples too long.

On a more, lighter dark humor yet deep note . Below is a recent conversation with my kids (6.5 and 4.5) during their shower. Note : My youngest and oldest both process grief differently. The older boy, thinks and dwells; while the younger turns it into a conversation and (dark) humor

Situation and Context: Both are being showered after games, and it just comes out of the blue. N is 4.5 and L is 6.5

N: Why did Papa die? Is he happy in heaven? Me: Well, because GOD decided to take him and have him with him. N: Will you die before us or will we before you? Me: I don’t know. That’s something that we won’t know until God decides to take us N pauses to think. L is shaking his head in disbelief. I am lathering them up to finish the bath

N: What will happen if L dies? Me: Well… we would be very sad and you’ll be sad too right? N: Will I cry? Will I miss him?

Me: Well, yes. If it makes you sad that he’s gone. You will cry right? L still in disbelief is now gawking! L: Hey! What man ! I am here only N: I will be sad. I don’t want L to die. I will miss him very much Me: Don’t worry he’s here now. N: Okay. End of Conversation

My kids taught me that even the youngest member is effected, but has learnt to process this. So then, why not me/us.

How should I feel?

Some reading this might feel or in their loud echoing mind voices say, “Oh, but he was only your father-in-law…” I felt the same way, when I started writing this piece, but then I always (from the moment — 8.09 am, Oct 9, 2025) think what if that was my father, or mother.

I’d feel the same remorse, anger and grief. I cannot compartmentalize or delegate my emotion based on the relationship tier. Folk do that, and it may very well be true. However, that isn’t me. The why behind it, is maybe the side of me (even you the reader) which still has warmth, something humane which ticks, aches, yearns even in this age where all things and even people are: instantaneous, available, accessible, disposable at light speed.

In Conclusion

The idea that death is something of a conclusion, like closing a book is quite untrue. If anything, the past 7 months have taught me that — memories made, lessons conveyed and instructions received from the departed soul are stronger now among the close circle, now more than ever.

It also teaches us, these absolute realities and surfaces the true nature of things:

• Folk who demean the departed by reminding the family — “woe to you”, “how do you manage” instead of offering encourage, empathy or even silence (would be better than crass words).
• Folk who warmly state — we believe he’s still here and guiding, blessing in many ways.
• Folk who change how they interact with you (in person or professionally) because now the earlier lead/connect is amiss.

As, I conclude this piece. 7 months have taught me to (for lack of sounding cliche) — letting go, forgiving and accepting God’s plan, believing in the bonds that bind (family, close personnel).