The Difference Between Being Loved and Being Free

From The Night Court to real life, why respect and autonomy matter more than protection

Photo by Austin Schmid on Unsplash

Agency, or the loss of it, is one of the quiet fears that shadows many girls as they grow into young women, and many young women as they step into the roles of wives and mothers. In much of the Western world, agency has become such an expected part of life that it often goes unnoticed as a privilege. For many South Asian women, however, its absence can be so normalized that it is difficult to even recognize.

Perhaps that is why so many women connected so deeply with Feyre’s journey in *A Court of Mist and Fury*. Tamlin loved her. He wanted to protect her. But he did not trust her enough to give her agency, whether physical, emotional, or financial. Rhys, on the other hand, offered something superior. He gave her love, respect, and, most importantly, trust. He trusted her to make her own decisions, helped her master her skills and treated her as an equal. Many brown women will recognize a father, brother, or partner in Tamlin. They will also understand the liberation Feyre felt when she arrived at the Night Court. They will understand why she finally felt at home.

In *Fourth Wing*, when Violet says,

“And when others are quick to stand in front of me, Xaden always stands at my side, trusting me to hold my own.” — Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

Most women will feel this primal electricity. The appeal is not sexual, not his powers, not his body or that he wants to protect her. It is that he supports her without restricting her. He has her back, but he does not hold her back. He allows her to take risks, make mistakes, and choose her own path, while remaining a source of support.

Establishing, practicing or demanding agency is often portrayed as selfish, difficult, or domineering. Women are expected to be sacrificial and place their wishes and choices last. When a woman prioritizes her own choices, it is often treated as a character flaw rather than a basic human right. This is especially true for certain ethnic communities. It takes a considerable amount of rebel spirit and a solid support system to tackle this and be happy in your life.

Today, agency is deeply connected to financial independence, knowledge, and mutual respect. Of course, women do not need men to grant them agency. Agency belongs to us by default. But it is undeniably easier to exercise when the men in our lives do not oppose it. Personally, I have been fortunate in this regard. My family, and especially my husband, have never challenged my agency or attempted to control it. But that does not mean I am ruled by impulse or whim. It simply means that he trusts me. He trusts that I am capable of making good decisions, just as I trust him to do the same. But I do not take this privilege for granted.

Agency belongs to us by default. But it is undeniably easier to exercise when the men in our lives do not oppose it

Sometimes agency is practiced in the simplest of ways. It is being able to wear what I want, go where I want, and be who I am without fear of judgment, or without allowing judgment to dictate my choices. It is having an opinion that carries weight. It is having a voice in decisions that affect my life. A conversation with a family friend recently reminded me how invisible the absence of agency can become. She is a homemaker who manages the primary finances of her household. When she wished to upgrade a minor kitchen appliance, she did not feel comfortable using the family budget. Instead of discussing it openly with her husband, who usually is a calm and forward-thinking man. She worried that she would need to justify and defend her spending. So, she paid for it herself using her personal savings.

The striking part was that she did not recognize this as a lack of agency. It felt normal to her. It felt like part of being a woman. And that is the problem. The loss of agency is often so deeply woven into our social conditioning that it becomes invisible. Even women who earn their own money can find themselves seeking permission for decisions they should be empowered to make.

It is easy to say, “to each their own.” But the lack of agency is not simply an individual issue; it is a systemic one. That is why representation matters. When books, films, and stories explore these dynamics, they give women the language to recognize what they may be experiencing. They also help men understand how seemingly protective actions can sometimes diminish a woman’s autonomy.

Because, in the end, what many women want is not protection.

It is respect.

It is trust.

And it is the freedom to choose. It is Agency.

For more stories about women’s agency, autonomy, and the choices we are taught not to question, follow Fourth Wave. Also check out our Livestreams and sign up for our Newsletter. Let’s grow the community! Have you got a story or poem that focuses on women or other targeted groups? Submit to the Wave!