Surviving Another Carb Fueled Corporate Meeting

Photo by Campaign Creators on Unsplash

I just have to make it out the door. Kevin had shut down his computer and was quickly walking toward the exit. His hand was on the door handle when Bill called out to him.

“Hey Kevin, can you join us for a status meeting?” Bill flashed a smile, “Don’t worry, we’re getting pizza.”

Kevin wasn’t worried about food. He had a family waiting for him at home with a healthy, home-cooked, low carb, meal. What concerned him was how many times he had come home late recently. Hopefully this meeting wouldn’t go on too long, and hopefully his wife wouldn’t be too pissed when he finally got home.

Kevin dropped his hand from the door handle and nodded without looking up. He walked over to the conference room and sat down in the only empty chair in the middle of the table. He texted his wife that he would be late and then quickly put his phone back in his pocket. There was a strict no phone rule at company meetings.

He looked around and saw that everyone around him was on their laptop. He used to bring his laptop to these meetings. With a laptop, he could look up the issues being discussed, or maybe even get some actual work done. Unfortunately, Bill had taken his computer away six months ago, telling him someone else needed it more than he did and sticking him with a desktop.

“Okay, let’s start with non-portal related issues,” Bill said to kick off the meeting.

Great, Kevin thought, since I am only working on the portal I’ll have no idea what anyone is talking about.

“So I think the big win, and the thing you are all going to be hearing a lot more about soon is the GSN,” Bill said. GSN? What the hell is a GSN? Kevin wondered. He remembered he used to watch the Game Show Network with his grandma when she visited. Surely that wasn’t the GSN Bill was talking about?

“In case you haven’t heard about this exciting new project let me explain…”

Just then, the corporate concierge came in with the pizza. Since the only empty spot on the table was in front of Kevin, the pizza box was set down right in front of him. Several people got up to get pizza, and in the commotion, Kevin couldn’t hear any of Bill’s explanation. No one seemed to notice that Kevin wasn’t eating any of the pizza.

Finally, the pizza box closed and Kevin tried to figure out if they were still talking about the GSN or if they had moved on to something else. “The real problem I see,” Frank said, “is that the front-end isn’t talking to the back-end. In fact, the front-end department doesn’t even know when a run is complete until they reach out and ask Michael.”

Several people sat up in their seats. “Is that true?” Alan asked.

Bill nodded, “I’m afraid so. Now from a technical standpoint, we could fix this if…”

The air conditioner chose that moment to cut on right above Kevin’s head, effectively cutting off Bill. Bill didn’t seem to notice as his lips were still moving, even though Kevin couldn’t make out his words. He looked around the table and saw several people nodding as Bill spoke, so maybe it was just him.

Between the continued opening and closing of the pizza box right in front of him and the air conditioning Kevin lost track of time. He wondered when they were going to get to his status. All he had to say was, “I’m still working on the security issue where authenticated users are getting an ‘invalid key’ error message.” Once he said that single sentence, his entire contribution to this meeting, there was a chance Bill would tell him he didn’t need to stay for the rest.

The ceiling tiles rattled as the air conditioner suddenly shut back off, and Kevin could hear what Bill was saying again. “Of course, the real issues here aren’t technical at all they’re political. Let me walk you through all of the details of the politics surrounding this project…”

Everyone was typing away at their laptops now, focusing entirely on their screens. Everyone except Kevin, who had a pizza box in front of him instead of a laptop. Kevin looked at the empty pizza box in front of him and then placed his hands on it. He began typing away as though it were a laptop and then looked around the room to see if anyone noticed. Nobody did.

Eventually, Bill turned his attention to Kevin and said, “Okay, so Kevin, can you give us an update on the portal?”

Kevin had rehearsed his one sentence in his head at least a dozen times during the meeting. He took his hands off the pizza box and put them into his lap as he opened his mouth to speak, but Alan spoke first. “Real quick Bill, I’m glad you brought up the portal because I’m worried about this security issue we’re having. Did you know users are getting an invalid key message?”

“Kevin, are you aware of this?” Bill asked.

“Yes,” Kevin replied.

Bill turned back to Alan and said, “There you go, I’m sure Kevin will look into it right away. Good meeting everyone, I appreciate you taking the time and enjoying the free pizza.” He said the last with a wink. “I would really appreciate an update on where we are first thing tomorrow. Can all of you come in half an hour early so we can have a quick meeting without disrupting your schedule?” Then Bill added with a smile, “Don’t worry, I’ll bring donuts.”