Raising Adolescents: Creating A Growth Promoting Environment

Written by Mark H Chae PhD

Adolescence represents a critical developmental period often described as a liminal stage, a psychological state of being “betwixt and between” childhood and adulthood (Van Gennep, 1960). During this time, young people are afforded an important developmental task: the exploration of identity (Erikson, 1968). This exploration frequently involves experimenting with different interests, values, roles, and self-presentations, a process through which adolescents attempt to answer the enduring question, “Who am I?” When supported appropriately, this period of exploration serves as fertile ground for the emergence of a coherent and authentic sense of self (Marcia, 1993).

Parents play a central role in shaping the conditions under which this exploration unfolds. Drawing from Self-Determination Theory (Ryan & Deci, 2017), optimal development is most likely to occur in environments that support autonomy, foster mastery, and cultivate belonging. Importantly, such support does not imply permissiveness or the absence of structure. Rather, healthy parenting involves a balance between encouraging independent thought and exploration while maintaining clear, consistent expectations regarding acceptable behavior, attitudes, and values within the home (Dweck & Leggert, 1988; Pamerantz & Grolnick, 2017;). When boundaries are communicated with clarity and respect, they serve as stabilizing forces that reduce anxiety and create psychological safety, allowing adolescents to explore identity without fear of abandonment or chaos.

Equally critical is the manner in which parents embody the values they seek to instill. Extensive research on social learning underscores that children learn more from what parents model than from what they explicitly teach (Bandura, 1997; Burnstein & Ginsburg, 2011). When there is coherence between parental expectations and parental behavior, children internalize values as meaningful and legitimate rather than arbitrary or coercive. Conversely, discrepancies between what parents demand and how they live may undermine credibility and foster confusion or cynicism.

One particularly powerful, yet often underappreciated, aspect of modeling involves parents’ willingness to acknowledge mistakes and engage in repair. When parents demonstrate humility by admitting wrongdoing and offering genuine apologies, they communicate that imperfection is not a moral failure but an opportunity for growth. This stance authorizes children to engage in self-reflection without shame and reinforces the idea that identity is not contingent upon flawless performance. Over time, such experiences may contribute to greater self-concept clarity and protect against the development of self-worth rooted primarily in external validation or contingent achievement (Harter, 2012).

Clinical work with families suggests that resistance to this reflective posture may be tied, in part, to parents’ own developmental histories. For example, some were raised in authoritarian environments where questioning authority was discouraged or forbidden. In these contexts, loyalty to caregivers may have meant uncritical acceptance of their child rearing practices. This dynamic aligns with Marcia’s Foreclosed Identity, a status characterized by early commitment without adequate exploration (Marcia, 1966; 1993). For these parents, continuing these maladaptive childrearing practices may be perceived as a way of honoring their upbringing, whereas questioning those practices evokes cognitive dissonance.

However, unexamined repetition of past parenting strategies risks perpetuating maladaptive intergenerational patterns. Statements such as “When I was that age, I would have been punished more harshly” often serve as justifications that shield parents from reflecting on the psychological costs of such practices. While these approaches may produce compliance, they can also generate schematic representations that associate authority with fear, self-worth with obedience, and emotional expression with weakness (Kroger, 1993).

Parents who are willing to lean inward and examine how their own experiences shaped their parenting style are uniquely positioned to disrupt these cycles. Such reflection does not require assigning blame, but rather embracing responsibility for the relational climate in which a child develops. The family functions as a microsystem, a moral and socially embedded milieu in which children form enduring representations of self, others, and authority (Bronfenbrenner, 2005). Within this ecology, parents possess remarkable power to foster either rigid, performance-based identities or flexible, internally grounded ones.

By balancing autonomy with boundaries and words with example, parents build a foundation where curiosity meets consistency, allowing children to explore the world without losing their way. Within such environments, children and adolescents are more likely to develop a stable yet flexible sense of self. This allows for the formation of an identity rooted not in fear, performance, or external validation, but in intrinsic worth, self-control, and relational security. These conditions do not just influence behavior, they serve to anchor a steady and resilient identity.

References

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Burnstein, M., & Ginsburg, G. (2011). The Effect of Parental Modeling of Anxious Behaviors and Cognitions in School-Aged Children: An Experimental Pilot Study. Behavioral Research & Therapy, 48(6), 506–515.

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Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. New York: Norton.

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Marcia, J. (1993). The relational roots of identity. In J. Kroger (Ed.), Discussions on ego Identity. Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

Pamerantz, E., & Grolnick, W. (2020). The Role of Parenting in Children’s Motivation and Competence What Underlies Facilitative Parenting? In A. J. Elliot, C. S. Dweck., & D. S. Yeager (Eds.), Handbook of Competence and Motivation (2nd Ed.)(p. 566–585). Guilford Press.

Ryan, R., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self‑Determination Theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness. Guilford Press.

Van Gennep, A. (1960). The Rites of Passage. London: Routledge and Kegan Paul.