Negotiate in your relationship by building rapport

Season 1 Episode 2 — Safe exposure to unsafe experiences

Free read here: https://open.substack.com/pub/nelly1sblueprint/p/negotiate-in-your-relationship-by?r=6gy5dv&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

[embed]You can listen to this song while reading

Okay, first thing off. How do we talk to people that are close to us about things that matter to us, either to have a better relationship or simply understand where our values lie and make amends for both parties’ peace of mind?

My partner and I have been through a couple of experiences. We’ve known each other for about 4 years, and we’ve been on and off because of my bad calling. In each situation, I decided to end things and then come back.

Why did I say that? Just to get it out of the way. It makes me feel somewhat ashamed, and I figured that if I just make it evident, it won’t affect me as much in the long run… This is my way of making amends with myself.

Now, you would kind of notice why I needed to learn better skills to communicate. My kind of questions to myself were: “If we disagree on something, does that mean that we need to break up? If they make a mistake, does that mean they’re evil and wanna harm me? If either of us lies or hides stuff, does that mean we can no longer work things through?” etc.

It is very important that I also mention that you need to know what you want for yourself. Not what anybody tells you that is correct to have, or the best for you — how can they know? You are a different personality from everybody else. Some want the newest car, some others wanna work out 3 hours a day, some wanna leave the country… and trust me, each requires energy from you to achieve, as well as to keep it (discipline).

I told myself that this was the man that I wanted to get married to, if I only created enough spaces for us to be together so that we could learn to be together all of the time without the fear of not understanding each other, and I talked to him as much as I could, being completely honest. But it takes two to tango, and he disagrees with anything I want as a priority. We have a discussion, or what we can call a moment to negotiate.

I was 19. I didn’t know that I had to tell the other person my feelings. I’m the kind of person that bottles everything and then explodes… I guess it was because I thought that way it was easier to confront somebody. In other cases, I’ve been a chicken to defend myself against something that is making me feel uncomfortable.

At 23, that’s just nonsense. I have to find a moment in the day where I have to talk about it. Oh, and let’s not forget all of the play you do with loved ones — dates, listening to them, making them feel loved whether they like physical touch or acts of service, then finally acting nicely so that when that day that you have a discussion comes, you both feel safe around each other.

But what about the discussion itself? Well, that is the easy part. But let me first get something out of the way before whatever step by step I might do. When there are things that we cannot see eye to eye on, things that we completely disagree on, we can avoid them.

The questions and the active listening

Let me get something out of the way straight away. I’m just figuring things out. I know how it’s supposed to be, the examples you might see next are not confirmed to be the best out there, basically this episode’s theory is something that I’m currently trying to navigate through in my own life.

I know that active listening is all about understanding where we’re coming from and where we wanna get. If we want the other person to be honest with us about something that we’re struggling to comprehend, we might need to ask what we need to know and let the other person explain themselves, knowing that they might not understand at first where we’re coming from. Therefore, we need to become more explicit little by little, like driving the conversation.

Have in mind that people are complex. People lie, people hide, people have emotions, and sometimes we all react to them if we’re not prepared to handle a conversation. Just get wherever you wanna get to. I know there are gonna be feelings involved, and I don’t need you to avoid them, but I want you to not act on them. Just be aware of them and get there — not because you deserve something, but because you have to get something. Are you gonna work it through or not?

Sure, the first times are gonna be messy, it’s gonna sound weird, but have in mind that the more that you do it, the more that you realize how you could do it better next time… and then act on it and understand more than you thought you would afterwards. Trust me, it always happens.

What you can get

Anything. Literally.

More love? More time? More attention? More affection? More care? More respect?

Everything. It involves rapport with the person that you have in front of you. In this case, for me, it’s my partner. Sounds simple, but it’s somehow hard in the beginning when you’re trying to get it, and then it just becomes second nature to you.

I left you a video as a reference, from Andrew Bustamante. I know it says “manipulation,” but long story short, you need the same abilities to motivate and to manipulate — it’s charisma and how fast you build rapport with other people. The CIA uses this to get people to open up about their crimes. Andrew Bustamante has even mentioned, and I will now explain it too blurrily just to have a little bit more context, that there was a time where the CIA met with people that would die before they told the truth. That’s why they needed more techniques to get the truth out, not just torture (I can recall it like that).

Something that sticks with me is that it’s a tool you can use. The difference is the intention and what you use it for: manipulation is when you drive a person into doing something harmful or detrimental, and motivation is to get someone to do something that will bring them joy, happiness, or great value. Either you have it or not — someone has it and will use it to your advantage or against you.

I do NOT condone you manipulating your partner, but negotiating to the point where you get your needs met. I’m talking about if you need that person to understand you more but there’s tension in between, simply let them talk more without interrogation (which is a technique that builds rapport).

Step by step

The sensible the information becomes, the less questions you have to make. It is something that I have seen in first hand, it’s basically assuming something and expressing that to the other person… their correction is automatic. Some poeple get defencive but they don’t seem to be aware that they’re getting vauable information from the other person, about their values and intentions.

Something to consider as well that Andrew Bustamante also mentions is that there’s phases to every conversation where you’re gathering information. I myself just use the 3 I could recall the times I tried it (they’re probably not even how the author mentions them but this is my way… I guess):

1. Rejection (either they know you or not, they’re not gonna engage if they don’t see what the conversation might be worth their time, or they simply don’t understand your intentions/they’re too vague)
2. Confronation (when their activily listening to you to see if they agree or not, to simply nod if they agree or debate when they are trying to understand if they have to correct you or they’re misunderstanding you)
3. Agreement and teaming up (when they have already decided that you and them have a similar understanding, they feel you are like a friend to them)

I left you a second link for you to learn from if you’re intrested enough on learning how to get people talking without them realizing. Reminds me of the phrase “the one that talks less in a conversation is the one difrecting it” which paraphrased, of course.

Refereces:

You can listen to this song while reading

Okay, first thing off. How do we talk to people that are close to us about things that matter to us, either to have a better relationship or simply understand where our values lie and make amends for both parties’ peace of mind?

My partner and I have been through a couple of experiences. We’ve known each other for about 4 years, and we’ve been on and off because of my bad calling. In each situation, I decided to end things and then come back.

Why did I say that? Just to get it out of the way. It makes me feel somewhat ashamed, and I figured that if I just make it evident, it won’t affect me as much in the long run… This is my way of making amends with myself.

Now, you would kind of notice why I needed to learn better skills to communicate. My kind of questions to myself were: “If we disagree on something, does that mean that we need to break up? If they make a mistake, does that mean they’re evil and wanna harm me? If either of us lies or hides stuff, does that mean we can no longer work things through?” etc.

It is very important that I also mention that you need to know what you want for yourself. Not what anybody tells you that is correct to have, or the best for you — how can they know? You are a different personality from everybody else. Some want the newest car, some others wanna work out 3 hours a day, some wanna leave the country… and trust me, each requires energy from you to achieve, as well as to keep it (discipline).

I told myself that this was the man that I wanted to get married to, if I only created enough spaces for us to be together so that we could learn to be together all of the time without the fear of not understanding each other, and I talked to him as much as I could, being completely honest. But it takes two to tango, and he disagrees with anything I want as a priority. We have a discussion, or what we can call a moment to negotiate.

I was 19. I didn’t know that I had to tell the other person my feelings. I’m the kind of person that bottles everything and then explodes… I guess it was because I thought that way it was easier to confront somebody. In other cases, I’ve been a chicken to defend myself against something that is making me feel uncomfortable.

At 23, that’s just nonsense. I have to find a moment in the day where I have to talk about it. Oh, and let’s not forget all of the play you do with loved ones — dates, listening to them, making them feel loved whether they like physical touch or acts of service, then finally acting nicely so that when that day that you have a discussion comes, you both feel safe around each other.

But what about the discussion itself? Well, that is the easy part. But let me first get something out of the way before whatever step by step I might do. When there are things that we cannot see eye to eye on, things that we completely disagree on, we can avoid them.

The questions and the active listening

Let me get something out of the way straight away. I’m just figuring things out. I know how it’s supposed to be, the examples you might see next are not confirmed to be the best out there, basically this episode’s theory is something that I’m currently trying to navigate through in my own life.

I know that active listening is all about understanding where we’re coming from and where we wanna get. If we want the other person to be honest with us about something that we’re struggling to comprehend, we might need to ask what we need to know and let the other person explain themselves, knowing that they might not understand at first where we’re coming from. Therefore, we need to become more explicit little by little, like driving the conversation.

Have in mind that people are complex. People lie, people hide, people have emotions, and sometimes we all react to them if we’re not prepared to handle a conversation. Just get wherever you wanna get to. I know there are gonna be feelings involved, and I don’t need you to avoid them, but I want you to not act on them. Just be aware of them and get there — not because you deserve something, but because you have to get something. Are you gonna work it through or not?

Sure, the first times are gonna be messy, it’s gonna sound weird, but have in mind that the more that you do it, the more that you realize how you could do it better next time… and then act on it and understand more than you thought you would afterwards. Trust me, it always happens.

What you can get

Anything. Literally.

More love? More time? More attention? More affection? More care? More respect?

Everything. It involves rapport with the person that you have in front of you. In this case, for me, it’s my partner. Sounds simple, but it’s somehow hard in the beginning when you’re trying to get it, and then it just becomes second nature to you.

I left you a video as a reference, from Andrew Bustamante. I know it says “manipulation,” but long story short, you need the same abilities to motivate and to manipulate — it’s charisma and how fast you build rapport with other people. The CIA uses this to get people to open up about their crimes. Andrew Bustamante has even mentioned, and I will now explain it too blurrily just to have a little bit more context, that there was a time where the CIA met with people that would die before they told the truth. That’s why they needed more techniques to get the truth out, not just torture (I can recall it like that).

Something that sticks with me is that it’s a tool you can use. The difference is the intention and what you use it for: manipulation is when you drive a person into doing something harmful or detrimental, and motivation is to get someone to do something that will bring them joy, happiness, or great value. Either you have it or not — someone has it and will use it to your advantage or against you.

I do NOT condone you manipulating your partner, but negotiating to the point where you get your needs met. I’m talking about if you need that person to understand you more but there’s tension in between, simply let them talk more without interrogation (which is a technique that builds rapport).

Step by step

The sensible the information becomes, the less questions you have to make. It is something that I have seen in first hand, it’s basically assuming something and expressing that to the other person… their correction is automatic. Some poeple get defencive but they don’t seem to be aware that they’re getting vauable information from the other person, about their values and intentions.

Something to consider as well that Andrew Bustamante also mentions is that there’s phases to every conversation where you’re gathering information. I myself just use the 3 I could recall the times I tried it (they’re probably not even how the author mentions them but this is my way… I guess):

1. Rejection (either they know you or not, they’re not gonna engage if they don’t see what the conversation might be worth their time, or they simply don’t understand your intentions/they’re too vague)
2. Confronation (when their activily listening to you to see if they agree or not, to simply nod if they agree or debate when they are trying to understand if they have to correct you or they’re misunderstanding you)
3. Agreement and teaming up (when they have already decided that you and them have a similar understanding, they feel you are like a friend to them)

I left you a second link for you to learn from if you’re intrested enough on learning how to get people talking without them realizing. Reminds me of the phrase “the one that talks less in a conversation is the one difrecting it” which paraphrased, of course.

Refereces:

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Photo by Malcolm Broström on Unsplash