No One Truly Understands…But Thank God, He Does…

“Come to me, all you are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28–30)

Photo Credit: Bella Joyce…A breakthrough often follows a breakdown

Where did this heaviness come from? Why the sudden sadness? Normally when I feel down-trodden, someone that I'm close to is dealing with some emotional stressors and I would feel it in my spirit. I would pray immediately for whomever the Holy Spirit placed in my heart. But this time it wasn’t a loved one or a close friend, it was me, I needed the prayer. Lately I’ve been finding it harder to see the words on my cell phone screen, labels, books, and the television. The realization smacked me right in my confident face, my vision has seemed to have gotten worse. I was diagnosed with Myopic Macular Degeneration at the age of twenty three. My ophthalmologist explained to me that over time, my eyesight would slowly worsen. But each year, my eyesight remained the same, it never worsened. As a matter of fact one year they had to lower the medicine in one of my lenses. So the probability of me losing my eyesight was then tucked away in the “It won’t happen to me” box. And it remained neatly tucked in the very back of my mind. Now here I sit thirty years later, forced to pull the box that I've arrogantly ignored. With tears in my eyes, and wallowing in temporary self-pity, I decided to sit through my emotions and just deal with it, no more burying them. I began to think of the countless times that I've heard; “You can’t see that?, it’s right there in your face, dang you ARE blind!” Or the times that I'm out in public and someone waves, but I didn’t see the gesture, so I don’t wave back and they assume that I'm being contemptuous. Those memories came flooding back like a one-two punch to my emotions, and honestly those memories had my gratitude and faith in a choke hold!

I have worn glasses since the age of three, the bullying began in elementary. Not only were My glasses thick, they took up my whole face, I was a literal bookworm! I learned long ago to stop asking, “Why me God?” And I tried my best to not feel sorry for myself, but sometimes I failed. During those times, I would remind myself that there’s someone out there who has it worse than I do and to be grateful. Back then, I didn’t realize that God had a divine plan for me and this limited eyesight of mine, I just felt left out and left behind. The older I got the more I understood His reasoning. I felt God knew that with my traumatic upbringing, I would be too independent, and wouldn’t depend on Him for anything…or anyone else for that matter. And He was right, I wouldn’t have, and I knew this to be true deep in my heart. God was saving me from electric sliding right into hell, because Honey, I would have been hell on wheels if I was able to drive…literally

I had myself a five minute breakdown…just five. But the truth is, sometimes a breakdown must happen before your breakthrough. This time I ran to the throne…instead of the phone. I cried out to God and told Him how fearful I was about facing a future with me possibly losing my eyesight. And, oh how I wished that someone in my inner circle knew exactly how I felt. But the truth is, no one really truly understands unless they're going through it themselves. But, you know who does??? The One who created me…God understands. The One who knows me best, loves me the most. He knows my doubts and fears. He knows that I worry about being a burden to my loved ones. He knows that I sometimes wonder if I should learn braille. He knows that I think of color coding and categorizing my closet and dressers by textures while I still have my sight. He knows how I debated on whether or not I should get alphabet magnets so that I can place the letters on canned goods for reference…C for chicken noodle soup, B for beans, S for string beans, etc. He also knows that I often wonder if someone would love me in spite of my visual impairment…God knew it all and He listened without judgement.

Instead of condemning me for my thoughts and concerns, He held my tears in His gentle hands and reminded me that “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) None of my tears will be wasted. He assured me that the people He placed in my path, truly love me, and will accept all of me, not just the pretty parts, but the ugly parts that I grapple with. He reminded me of my Son’s love for his girlfriend who’s hearing impaired. And just as my Son and I are trying to learn sign language so that we can communicate with her effectively, He will place people in my life to help me as well. After that five minute pity party, God pulled me out of that pit. I will not allow the lies, fears, and doubts that the enemy whispers to me, permeate into my spirit, he will not tap dance on my emotions! I mean why would I listen to someone who got kicked out of heaven? I don’t know the future of my eyesight, but I do know that God will be right there, walking along side me. I refuse to remain paralyzed in fear, unable to move forward with the life God paved out for me. I refuse to maximize what the devil tries to drop in my spirit, instead I will magnify God! I serve an awesome God and He will get all of the glory.

Whether you’re dealing with impaired vision, speech, hearing, mobility issues, or mental issues, remember even if no one else understands, God does. Lean and depend on Him, He will align you with the right people to help you navigate through the rough patches. When you find yourself in a state of self-pity, it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to get angry, God gave us those emotions. However, it’s not okay to remain in that state, reach out to God or to someone who will listen without judgement. We will have our good days, and there will be days when we may feel like holding up the white flag and tossing it to ground…and that’s okay, as long as we pick it back up. There will be days when we may feel like having a pity party, that's okay too, we just can’t be pitiful for too long. There will be days when we feel inadequate, insecure, and feel as though no one truly understands…But remember; the One who knows us most loves us the best! We can take our insecurities, doubts, fears and any other emotion we're feeling to God and He will give us rest. As for me, in this very moment, I'm happy, full of faith, gratitude and trusting God with all things concerning me. Yes, I may have attended the pity party pit for a few minutes… but thankfully, I didn’t unpack and take up residency. It feels amazing to know that I'm not alone, and you're not alone either, we have God and we have one another. Even when it feels as though no one truly understands, remember that God does, so we can feel free to shout, cry, be angry, trust me He can handle it!

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.’ Helen Keller…

Dedicated with love, to My future Daughter-In-Law, Megan ❤️