How I Died and Came Back to Life

My time with Yage and indigenous medicine communities here in Colombia.

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No, I didn’t die for real, or else I wouldn’t be sitting here writing. But death is an interesting thing; it doesn’t have to end an actual life.

I learned this in my Yage journey last year in Colombia. I’ve been living in Colombia for almost two years now and there are many places and ways to participate in Yage ceremonies here. Although I have done Yage (Ayahuasca) in other parts of the world, this ceremony was the strongest I’ve ever had. And something definitely died in me, but it’s hard to put this into words.

I’ve written about the monumental change Ayahausca has made in my life. It cured my depression and addiction to alcohol and opened my awareness in ways I could never do on my own. But the ceremony in Colombia was a whole new experience for me.

I want to impart two crucial things I learned about this medicine and its powerful effects on human life. One, it’s whole-heartedly the wrong thing to do to take this medicine outside the lineage and teachings of the indigenous people who’ve worked with it for centuries. Two, It’s actually possible to know death while remaining in human form.

Let me explain.

I’ve been holding toxic energy in my body my whole life. Somehow, as a child, I thought it was my job to absorb and retain the anger, sadness, confusion, and turmoil of others. I grew up in an alcoholic home, became an alcoholic myself, and witnessed tremendous violence from my brother, who has a severe mental illness and developmental delay.

All of these things changed the neurological and cellular development of my body, soul, and nervous system. I became a person where my identity, my whole sense of self, was devoted to soothing and managing others so that I could protect myself.

Hence, I became a receptacle for toxic energy. Over the years, though, this has made me very ill. Yes, I removed the extra toxicity of alcohol from my life, but that doesn’t mean I knew how to live in the world free from holding onto the turmoil of others. I’ve had no boundaries whatsoever.

How has this manifested in my body, mind, and soul?

For one, I live with excruciating pain in my joints and muscles and experience severe migraines. Also, my neurotransmitters and hormones struggle to function under so much chaos. Lastly, I’ve struggled with depression, negative thoughts, suicidal ideation, and anxiety off and on for years.

I became this person when I was young, a person who holds toxicity and, thus, became sick. Like many others, I’ve sought out help only to confound the medical community.

This is how I found medicines like Ayahuasca and Yage in the first place. I was searching for something different because everything else had failed me.

I was so ready to die.

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The one thing many of us have zero understanding of is death. Many of us believe it’s just the end, and there’s nothing more; no learning, no consciousness, no heartbeat, no breath. Yes, there is death that ends life. But I’ve learned that there are other kinds of death too.

None of us are the experts on the kind of death that ends life because, well, we obviously don’t live through it to say anything about it. But even hearing about a near-death experience makes most people turn away out of discomfort or complete bewilderment.

Of course, I’m as confused by that kind of death as anyone. But I can’t say that I don’t know anything about death at all, especially after my time with Yage.

What happened to me with Yage was as close to death as I can possibly think of. It was a shedding of all the cellular, neurological, energetic memory of toxic energy that created my identity. It was extremely painful.

And what is death, if not shedding and release?

After this kind of death, what remains is a body and soul minus the energetic particles that flowed through me and made me sick.

All I can do now is get used to the body and soul I occupy that is, at times, uncomfortably light. I’m so used to the weight of toxicity that I don’t know how to be in the world without it. Not yet anyway, but I know I’ll learn.

This was a complicated process to navigate. I’ll spare the details of what that death felt like. It wasn’t pretty at all. And it’s precisely the difficult nature of navigating this death through Yage that I understand why I can never again disrespect the lineage of those who’ve worked with this medicine for centuries.

For as long as I live, I can never understand the infinite time that has gone into learning about this plant medicine. Those who’ve worked with it through generations possess knowledge that can’t be taught to those whose cellular memory doesn’t connect.

For years I worked with a Western “shaman” who supposedly learned how to lead Ayahuasca ceremonies from an indigenous elder. I now realize that this was wrong.

Many elders here view that particular indigenous elder as corrupt. They also see him as dangerous to the environment and communities that work to protect ecosystems and indigenous knowledge.

In fact, the leader of these Yage ceremonies told me he had to do considerable work to repair the damage I sustained in working with this Western “shaman” who was taught by that corrupted elder.

Westerners don’t have fathers, mothers, grandparents, and great-grandparents that have learned and sat with the plants for centuries. We don’t know how to protect plant ecosystems, and we certainly don’t understand the massive web of plant and medicine interconnections that include the spirit world.

Actually, we have no understanding of the spirit world at all. In fact, we completely disrespect it. Even the so-called religious world completely disrespects the spirit world. Just writing about the spirit world as it pertains to plant medicine could bring on a host of angry comments and hate mail.

I’ve learned that we Westerners have much to learn and can do a lot of healing with these medicines. But we can never know how to work with this medicine in a leadership role. Yage is not tangible, which is why it’s not trusted in the scientific and medical community. Also, to even speak of the spirit within science or medicine often raises the anger of many.

However, I’m not here to change any minds. I only want to share my personal experience. But I will impart one crucial message given to me by the indigenous communities I met in this ceremony. If anyone is considering exploring this medicine, please do so with a respected indigenous medicine person.

Not doing so is at the cost of the plant medicine ecosystem as well as your health and wellbeing. Also, it’s a grave disrespect to indigenous cultures.

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My death and resurrection were painful and challenging enough, but having the support of someone with a long line of knowledge and experience made all the difference to me.

Because of the indigenous leader of our Yage ceremonies, I was able to safely pass through my death, release the toxic cellular memory, and keep the healthy parts of me intact.

Now, I am here in this world, safe and sound. I’m lighter and healthier and ready to live a fresh new life. The pain in my body has decreased considerably, and I have a renewed gratitude for my body, mind, and soul.

Yage taught me that, yes, I can die and come back to life without ever losing my physical shell at all. And this death is not the end, but an absolute beginning.