The Lack of Empathy and Unconscious Prejudices Towards Disability

When most people encounter a person with a disability, they first feel curiosity, followed by an attempt to make sense of the situation, to relate it to their own life experiences and to find an explanation in their minds. This is followed by pity, artificial kindness and efforts to act with caution, which often come into play automatically. In this process, the person may be overly attentive in order to suppress their own inner unease; they may even slip into an unnatural communication style for fear of saying the wrong thing. Although these reactions may appear well-intentioned on the surface, they are often born out of an effort to hide one’s anxiety in the face of uncertainty and to protect one’s social comfort zone. Moreover, these reflexes are the result of the individual’s desire to feel in control of the situation, rather than a genuine understanding of the person with a disability.

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While this initial reaction often seems well-intentioned, there may be a background of anxiety and a sense of incompetence that haunts the person. These mixed feelings of “curiosity, pity, artificial kindness” towards people with disabilities are actually a symptom of some prejudices and lack of empathy that we carry without realizing it. Unfortunately, many people do not wait to see if someone with a disability is truly happy, but rather to see them unhappy, because they are trying to prove their own happiness in life. In this article, I wanted to address the unconscious prejudices and lack of empathy that arise in the face of the “unknown” of disability in human nature from the perspective of modern social psychology. My aim is to explain, especially in a way that is understandable for young readers, why these wrong attitudes are formed and how they can be changed, and to try to give the awareness that families do not give.

First Reactions: Curiosity, Kindness and Concern

The attitude of many people who encounter a person with a disability in daily life follows a similar course. For example, a person who sees someone using a wheelchair may first feel a sense of curiosity: “I wonder what happened to him/her?” and so on. Then they immediately adjust their own behavior: they try to appear more understanding, to offer help if necessary. At this point the intentions are usually good; no one wants to appear rude. But underneath the well-intentioned kindness there is often a feeling of pity for the person. The person assumes that the disabled person’s life is difficult and sad by his/her own standards and takes on the role of “helping” him/her. In the process, anxiety and nervousness may also arise for fear of hurting the disabled person or saying the wrong thing. As a result, these behaviors, which at first glance seem to stem from empathy, are actually automatic reactions based on stereotypes in our minds without fully understanding the other person.

Such reactions can be disturbing for people with disabilities. When their everyday activities, which are ordinary for them, are met with excessive attention or praise by those around them, it can unintentionally make them feel different and separate. For example, even when people with disabilities perform a simple action such as going out or shopping, some people around them may perceive this as an extraordinary achievement. Although this approach aims to motivate the other person, it is actually a perspective that belittles their capacity to lead a normal life. While people with disabilities want to be equal members of society, making them feel “special” and “different” at every step can mean building an invisible wall.

Roots of Unconscious Prejudice

People’s attitudes towards disability are often based on unconscious prejudices. Prejudice is forming preconceived judgments about a person or group without knowing them well enough. In the case of disability, these prejudices often stem from stereotypes and incomplete information acquired from childhood. For many years, society has portrayed people with disabilities as either “tragic victims” or “obstacles to be overcome”. In the media, characters with disabilities are often portrayed either as losers suffering great pain or as “inspirational” heroes with incredible success stories. These extreme examples fail to reflect the real experiences of millions of people with disabilities living ordinary lives. As a result, many in society unknowingly carry stereotypes about people with disabilities in their minds.

These unconscious prejudices seep into our behavior, even when we have no ill intentions. For example, research shows that there is a strong assumption among many, including health professionals, that people with disabilities have a poor quality of life. In a 2021 survey of 714 physicians in the US, more than 80% admitted that they thought patients with disabilities had a worse quality of life than those without disabilities. This is a striking finding, because if you asked a similar question about ethnic minorities, most doctors would probably disagree. The prevalence of such negative assumptions about people with disabilities reveals how little we understand their lives and happiness. The facts do not support these prejudices: Studies show that the vast majority of people with disabilities do not see their lives as a “tragedy”, but are able to lead meaningful and happy lives by adapting to their circumstances.

So why are these prejudices so stubborn? Social psychology points to several possible reasons. First, lack of familiarity: Many people do not interact enough with people with disabilities in their daily lives. It is normal to feel shy or uneasy in unfamiliar or rare situations. Unfortunately, this lack of contact is often replaced by hearsay or stereotypes we see in the media. The second is a thought trap called the “just world belief”: People often want to believe that the world is fair, that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. But random events, such as disability, can shake this belief. Some people may unconsciously want to see what happens to a person with a disability as the result of some kind of cosmic justice, or at least create a mental distance so that they can say “it won’t happen to me or my loved ones”. One way of distancing is to look at them with pity or to ignore them. Third, the instinct to avoid disease: According to evolutionary psychology, our ancestors increased their chances of survival by avoiding people with symptoms that could carry infectious diseases (e.g. wounds, deformities). Today, even though some disabilities are not contagious, this primitive instinct can cause us to experience an involuntary shyness or uneasiness towards individuals who look different. All these factors unintentionally reinforce our prejudices.

Empathy vs. Pity Why Pity Hurts?

Empathy, in its simplest definition, is the ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their feelings. Pity(pity mixed with compassion), on the other hand, is the state of feeling sorry for someone in a difficult situation and feeling sorry for them. At first glance, it might seem that pity is also a human and good response. Of course, seeing someone suffering causes us sadness and this is a natural emotion. However, constantly approaching people with disabilities with pity is not as innocent as it seems. The difference between empathy and pity is that one sees the other person as an equal and powerful human being and tries to understand them, while the other places them in a position of pity and powerlessness.

One of the common wrong attitudes towards people with disabilities in society is to treat them with pity rather than empathy and respect. This “woe is the poor” attitude is actually hurtful discrimination under the guise of good intentions. To constantly feel sorry for someone with a disability just because they have a disability means ignoring their achievements or happiness and focusing only on their deprivations. This approach creates a major barrier to the disabled person being perceived as an equal member of society. Because the person who is pitied ceases to be a subject and becomes a passive object.

Scientific studies also emphasize that the pity narrative is harmful for people with disabilities. This narrative is based on the assumption that the situation of people with disabilities is inherently tragic and that they see themselves as helpless victims. In reality, however, many people with disabilities can lead strong and independent lives, accepting life on their own terms. Alyssa Silva, a writer with a disability, writes about how tired she is of the words of pity that people around her have directed at her over the years:

“Please don’t pity me when I don’t pity myself”.

Silva explains how disempowering pity comments can be, even if they are well-intentioned, because every time she sees this attitude, she feels as if her life is seen as a “story of pain”. According to her, by feeling sorry for her instead of empathizing with her, people inadvertently devalue her life. However, true empathy is not about pitying the other person, but about understanding their perspective and supporting them if they need it. The empath asks and listens to what the other person needs without putting them in the role of victim, while the pitying person acts according to the scenario they have written in their own head.

Pity is often accompanied by an overprotective attitude. Behaviors such as assuming that the person with disabilities cannot do even the things they can do, constantly offering help, and trying to make decisions on their behalf, although done with good intentions, narrow the other person’s space of freedom. In a review in Perspective magazine,

“pity and an overprotective approach are among the biggest obstacles to the disabled person being seen as an equal individual in society”

the warning is given. Indeed, if a person is constantly treated as a potential object of help, it is impossible for that person to be valued on equal terms. Empathy, by contrast, allows us to see the other person as powerful and valuable. When we empathize, we focus on what that person can accomplish; when we pity, we get caught up in what they can’t do, and we unwittingly box them into a mold that robs them of their potential.

“At Least I’m Thankful”: The Search for Happiness through Comparison

Mainstream media content often presents people with disabilities as “inspiring” examples. Such inspiration porn images aim to make other people feel grateful for their own lives by heroizing people with disabilities, even when they are simply doing everyday tasks.

Although many people may not consciously admit it, they have experienced that seeing the suffering of others makes them feel grateful for their own situation. There is an expression in Turkish called “hale şükretmek”: To appreciate what you have by seeing the deprivation of others. Of course, being grateful for what we have is a beautiful virtue. But the problem arises when this gratitude is based on the unhappiness of others. This is exactly the psychology at work in some attitudes towards people with disabilities: The person assumes that the life of someone with a disability is difficult, sad or incomplete, and feels a sense of fulfillment about his or her own life, saying, “No matter what, there are people worse off than me.” This is a phenomenon known in social psychology as downward social comparison. In other words, it is an attempt to increase our self-esteem and perception of happiness by comparing ourselves to people we perceive to be more disadvantaged.

Disability activists have been critical of the representations of “inspirational disability” that are common in the media and in everyday life. Stella Young, an Australian disability rights activist, has coined a striking term to describe this situation: “inspiration porn”. The term refers to the transformation of the achievements or simple everyday actions of people with disabilities into material for emotional gratification for non-disabled people. For example, it is common to see a photo of an athlete running with a prosthetic leg with slogans such as “The only obstacle is in your mind!”. Non-disabled people who see such posts feel good, feel motivated or look at life more positively by saying “Thank God for me, look what people are out there”. But on the other side of this picture, there is an objectification that people with disabilities are subjected to: They are positioned not as human beings with their own experiences and emotions, but as tools to teach others. A disability study at UCLA explains this as follows:

“This is using people with disabilities as a tool to make you feel better about yourself.”

In other words, the existence of people with disabilities is perceived as if they exist only to inspire others or to make them feel grateful, which is a highly problematic perspective.

It should not be forgotten that most people with disabilities are uncomfortable with seeing themselves as a constant source of inspiration or an example. For them, disability is a normal part of their lives, just as everyone has a different life experience. When a person with a disability achieves something, they want to enjoy this success through their own labor and talent, not for others to say “You did it, but look what lessons we have learned”. Sometimes society expects a story of positivity and perseverance from people with disabilities, as if there is something wrong if they are not happy. However, like everyone else, people with disabilities can have moments of sadness, anger and boredom; these are natural parts of being human. A person with disabilities should not be labeled as “resentful of life” when they are not smiling, nor should they be imprisoned under the headline “triumph of perseverance” when they are successful. These extreme expectations can put emotional pressure on people with disabilities. Indeed, there are critics who say , “Having to smile all the time to keep everyone happy is a kind of inspiration porn expectation.”

In summary, while it is a human reflex to see the plight of others and be grateful for our own situation, we should be very careful when applying this to people with disabilities. We should not need anyone else to be unhappy in order to ensure our own happiness. True happiness should be based on the meaning of our own lives and relationships, not on the unhappiness of others. In this sense, instead of using people with disabilities as “mirrors”, trying to get to know them as themselves will add more to both us and them.

Overcoming Prejudices and Developing True Empathy

So how can we both overcome these unconscious prejudices and develop true empathy towards people with disabilities? There is no easy answer to this question, but there are some important clues from social psychology and social experiences:

• Awareness and Education: The first step is to recognize that we have prejudices. No one likes to say “I am prejudiced”, but as mentioned above, even if we are not, we may still harbor some unconscious biases. Research shows that people can harbor negative feelings about disability at an implicit level, even if they don’t explicitly speak negatively about it. Therefore, it is important to question our automatic thoughts and ask ourselves “Why do I think this way?”. Awareness trainings, empathy games and workshops on disability in schools and youth programs can help identify and transform these unconscious prejudices.
• Interaction (Communication and Friendship) with People with Disabilities: Perhaps the most effective solution is to use meeting and communication as an antidote to prejudice. The approach known as “contact hypothesis” in social psychology suggests that prejudices can be broken down when people from different groups come together. In fact, research shows that people who have more contact with people with disabilities have less prejudice against them. Real-life friendships, joint work, and being together in school or work environments break down the image of the “other” in minds. Young people, especially when they mix with their peers with disabilities, have the opportunity to get to know them not only for who they are but also for who they are, and build a more inclusive society of the future.
• Developing Empathy Skills: Empathy is a skill that can be developed. We can use our imagination and our ability to listen. For example, if a friend or classmate is visually impaired, a good start would be to find out how they spend their school day, what challenges they face and what they enjoy. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and listen. People are often afraid of saying the wrong thing and avoid dialog with people with disabilities. However, a sincere and respectful curiosity is often appreciated by the other person. Of course, not all people with disabilities want to talk about themselves, and this should be respected. But many people are open to sharing their experiences and answering questions, as long as we are willing to really listen.
• Reviewing Language and Attitude: A seemingly small but important step is to review our language and body language towards people with disabilities. For example, it is more egalitarian to say “he/she did this “ instead of “he/she did that even though he/she has a disability” in a way that does not emphasize his/her disability. Likewise, when talking to someone, it is important to see them as a whole person, rather than just talking about or identifying them by their disability (e.g. avoiding phrases such as “confined to a wheelchair”). If we realize that we are using words or looks that convey pity, we should try to correct this. Another common unconscious mistake is to speak to people with disabilities slowly or in an overly sweet tone of voice , as if speaking to a child; if the person is an adult, we should speak to them like a normal adult.
• Questioning Media and Stories: Finally, let’s take a critical look at the stories of disability presented to us through the media. If a movie or news story portrays a person with a disability only as either a hero or a loser, let’s keep in mind that this is only a fraction of the real-life experiences of people with disabilities. Following books, blogs, social media posts written by people with disabilities themselves allows us to hear their diverse voices. In this way, we become more resilient to the one-dimensional narratives of the media and broaden our horizons of empathy.

Conclusion Building Bridges of Empathy

Lack of empathy and unconscious prejudices can create invisible barriers for people with disabilities in society. Although humans are naturally afraid of the unknown, these fears can be overcome with knowledge and experience. Let’s not forget that the saying “the real obstacle is the obstacle in the heart” may sound like a cliché, but it is essentially true: When our prejudices close our hearts and minds, we cannot see the other person in their true form. Disability is a test for everyone else, a test of humanity, rather than the disabled person. And the way to pass this test is to establish an unhindered heart-to-heart connection.

When we empathize, we start to see the happiness or unhappiness of the other person from their perspective. Then we realize that the happiness and unhappiness of people with disabilities are no different from ours, only the circumstances are different. As we break down our unconscious prejudices, we will realize more deeply that we are travelers on the same path. A more aware younger generation means a more inclusive and understanding society in the future. Each of us can create big changes with small steps: The next time you meet a person with a disability, let your curiosity be driven by a genuine desire for understanding, not prejudice. Choose to understand rather than pity, to listen rather than judge. Because at the end of the day, we all want to be understood and valued equally. Empathy is the strongest bridge to that desire.

Sources:

• Solkol, V. (2025). Invisible Walls of the Mind: People with Disabilities and Prejudices. https://www.soylentidergi.com/zihnin-gorunmez-duvarlari-engelli-bireyler-ve-onyargilar/
• Perspective (2023). It is a wrong attitude to approach people with disabilities with a sense of pity. https://perspektif.eu/2023/12/03/engellilik-engelli-bireyden-cok-tum-insanlik-icin-onemli-bir-sinav/
• Anon. Porn of the Inspirational Variety. UCLA Disabilities and Computing Program. https://dcp.ucla.edu/porn-inspirational-variety
• Carli Friedman (2018). Aversive Ableism: Modern Prejudice Towards Disabled People. RDS Journal. https://www.rdsjournal.org/index.php/journal/article/view/935
• Harvard Gazette (2021). Doctors share views on patients with disability. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2021/02/survey-finds-doctors-have-negative-perception-of-patients-with-disability/
• Silva, A. (2023). Why I prefer empathy over pity in life with SMA. SMA News Today. https://smanewstoday.com/columns/why-i-prefer-empathy-over-pity-in-life-with-sma/
• Michigan State University (2019). The unpopular truth about biases toward people with disabilities. https://msutoday.msu.edu/news/2019/unpopular-truth-about-biases-toward-people-with-disabilities