Humor | Satire

Leaked Script From Bluey’s New Season: The Polyamorists

Hey Big Fella, do you wanna play?

Photo by kaboompics.com on Prexels

INT: HEELER FAMILY KITCHEN

BANDIT (dad) and CHILLI (mum) are loading the dishwasher, BLUEY (their daughter) and BINGO (her little sister) sit across the room, engrossed in a puzzle. All four are Australian cattle dogs.

CHILLI (whispering to BANDIT) Bandit, did you really lose your collar at the party? I asked you to try to keep everything on this time.

BANDIT (looking guilty) It was an accident. It unhooked when I was … you know …

He mimes doing an elaborate tango, and tries to get his wife to join in.

CHILLI (swatting him with a dish towel) Your dance moves will not convince me to join the neighbor’s polycule.

BANDIT (raising his eyebrows suggestively) How can we get you to a “Yes, and …” place?

BINGO (suddenly pops up between her mum and dad) What’s a polycule?

CHILLI and BANDIT exchange glances.

BLUEY (pops up next to her sister) Why are you making that face, Dad?

BANDIT (backing away) Oh boy. You wanna take this one?

CHILLI (nodding) We knew this day would come.

INT: MAKESHIFT CLASSROOM IN THE HEELER HOUSE

BANDIT is scribbling what looks like football plays on a whiteboard. BLUEY and BINGO sit at attention.

CHILLI (in schoolmaster mode) A polycule is when a family has a special shape that includes multiple mummies and daddies who are open to sniffing each other’s faces, paws, and other parts.

BANDIT (excitedly) Not just sniffing. Licking too. Also they …

CHILLI shoots him a glance. He stops.

BINGO Special shapes sound fun!

BLUEY (thinking deeply) Does more mummies and daddies mean more rules?

CHILLI (trying again) Well, maybe. A polycule is an adult ... puzzle. With many pieces that fit in.

BINGO I love puzzles!

BANDIT (struggling) It’s a complicated sort of puzzle. All pieces connect with each other, so it’s … a lot to manage.

BLUEY I’m still confused.

BANDIT Hi, confused, nice to meet you!

BOTH GIRLS (groaning) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

CHILLI (defeated) I’m not sure this is helping. Why don’t you take them on your errands, Bandit? And stop to collect your collar, too.

INT: HEELER CAR

BANDIT is unsuccessfully continuing the lesson on polycules. BLUEY and BINGO, in the backseat, look energized.

BANDIT (worriedly) Girls. Please stop. That’s enough new vocabulary.

BLUEY and BINGO (joyously) But these words are so fun!

MONTAGE: in quick succession, the girls loudly scream-laugh “polyamory,” “swingers,” and “throuple”…

• By the pineapple display in a grocery store, an old lady faints in horror.
• While walking past a line of nuns, the last one makes the sign of the cross.
• On the playground, nearby parents scoop up their babies and run. One couple makes inviting gestures at BANDIT until he scoops up his kids and runs.

The girls are again in the backseat of the car.

BANDIT (exhausted) That was a fun four hours.

EXT: NEW NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE

BANDIT gestures to the girls to keep their eyes shut, then rings the doorbell. The door opens to reveal a room filled with dogs of every shape and size, lounging on silk sleeping pads under tie-dye wall hangings. There’s a sex swing, leashes everywhere, and all of the most exciting toys imaginable for cartoon canines.

ROMEO, a scrappy mutt, and ANAIS NIN, a sleek Afghan Hound, step forward. They are voiced by Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman because Australia.

The girls do not keep their eyes shut.

ROMEO (smirking) Hi there, cowboy.

BANDIT (embarrassed) Um hello — hopefully you remember me? I’ve come to collect my collar.

ANAIS NIN (soothing) Of course, we remember you, Big Fella.

BLUEY (pointing across the room) Why is that dog bone so BIG? You could climb on it!

BINGO (impressed) Is that an indoor kiddie pool?

WAFFLES, a fluffy Pomeranian, voiced by Margot Robbie, butts in. You betcha. It’s filled with warm oil. We use that to wrestle in.

BLUEY (googley eyed) I’ve never met adults who play so many games!

CHESS, a cockapoo, voiced by Chris Hemsworth, struts forward and winks. Your dad sure does love to play.

BANDIT starts panting, then remembers where he is. He grabs his collar, picks up BLUEY and BINGO, and runs.

EXT: HEELER FAMILY BACKYARD

The girls are talking a mile a minute.

BLUEY / BINGO (overlapping) They wrestle every morning. . . . Waffles says the pillow fights last all night. . . . There are swings! Inside the bedroom AND bathroom. . . . Romeo says he likes lollipops as much as we do.

BANDIT (sheepish) I had to drag them out of there.

CHILLI (reconsidering) I suppose there are advantages I hadn’t considered.

BLUEY (pumped up) More mummies and daddies means more fun! Just imagine it.

All four family members close their eyes, and the camera zooms into a metaphorical space where we see their visions.

INT: BLUEY’S MIND

A fantasia of trampolines and manatees splashing under watercolor skies. BLUEY sits at a conveyor belt that mummies and daddies fill with ice cream sundaes.

INT: CHILLI’s MIND

CHILLI lies in a fluffy bed, where dogs of all genders in skimpy clothes feed her grapes. Two handsome dogs start to kiss her. She joins in after giving the camera a sassy wink.

INT: BANDIT’S MIND

After doing all of the polycule’s dishes and laundry, an exhausted BANDIT sees dogs practicing erotic massage. He tries to wiggle in, but the excitement causes him to let out a loud fart.

INT: BINGO’S MIND

The youngest sister sees a literal dog-eat-dog-butt world. A Darren Aronofsky-style montage, set to panicky strings, shows:

• Multiple mums and dads pop their heads into the bathroom to remind the girls to brush, floss, brush, floss. The reminders never end.
• At the playground, mummies and daddies argue over who gets to be on top of the jungle gym; they resort to violence.
• WAFFLES catches rabies and starts frothing at the mouth; now she lives alone in a crate.

EXT: HEELER BACKYARD

All four family members open their eyes. They look at each other, questioning.

BINGO (anxious) I like our family the way it is!

BANDIT (comforting BINGO) You’re right, kiddo. An uncomplicated, old-fashioned puzzle can still be great.

BLUEY (giggling) Dad, you’re so old-fashioned!

BANDIT (insulted) I am not — I wear new fashion all the time.

BOTH GIRLS (groaning) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

CHILLI (does a little tango in BANDIT’s direction) You certainly don’t look old to me, Big Fella. What do you say we find new ways to fit those puzzle pieces in?

CHILLI winks at the camera.

End credits roll over jaunty music, occasionally interrupted by panicky strings.

Leanne Hope Chabalko is a writer and creative director based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She’s a recovering poet and a big fan of sexy cattle dogs. Find her on Instagram @leanne1hope or at leannechabalko.com.