Breaking Free from Unskillful Patterns

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We’re helpless victims of our conditioning until we become conscious.” — Ajan Sumat

Linda: Some of us come into a marriage with an optimistic attitude and some of us are aware that we come in with heavy baggage from our families that will have to be unpacked. Those who come with a large amount of fear and unfinished business from our family of origin are prone to acting out unskillful patterns with our partner until we become more conscious of what those are. It is commonplace to come into partnership with unhealed issues from our family of origin, which will predispose us to look at our partner through faultfinding eyes, still reacting to ways we have been wronged in childhood.

When the inevitable difficulties occur in any partnership, one common pattern for her is to automatically slip into a position of the weak victim of the big strong guy who makes blundering mistakes, or for him, the helpless victim of the wicked, selfish witch. Another common pattern is finding ourselves bereft feeling neglected and ignored. If we don’t realize how disempowering these reactive patterns can be, the relationship can deteriorate. We are challenged to create safety that allows us both to explore what old material is being activated to deal with it more effectively.

It is work to break the automatic knee-jerk response of blaming when things go wrong. But with conscious effort, we cultivate a positive orientation. While learning about our old unconscious patterns, and how much trouble they create, we find out the motivation to do the powerful work to free ourselves. Instead of seeing ourselves as a victim, who claims the moral high ground, we look more closely and find that rather than perpetrators and victims, we are much more likely to find co-conspirators that create the difficult scenario together.

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Freeing ourselves from old unskillful patterns requires a high level of responsibility. By accepting that we have the power to impact our lives, we feel less like a victim. As we take steps on our own behalf, assert our needs, and admit our strengths, we practice compassionate self-care. We become less dependent upon others to care for us and consequently therefore less likely to sink into resignation and resentment when the world doesn’t treat us the way we want it to.

When we give some attention to our inner whining victim, it gets smaller, rather than dominating us. A victim is not big on taking action; they are more likely to be acted upon. When acknowledging what the victim so resentful and hurt about, often action can be taken to remedy the situation.

Even when we don’t want to continue old traditions, we may doubt that it is possible to shed them. If we don’t yet know how to do it, it is likely that we will need help in the form of a counselor, support group, books, and classes to learn more skillful patterns. An abundance of help is available when we are ready to avail ourselves of it.

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