Customer Complaint

My Maker Won’t Be Happy to See Me

When my time comes, I’ve got a few things to have out with him

Photo by Artur Voznenko on Unsplash

When my mortal Wi-Fi connection finally gives up on me, I’m not expecting to see pearly gates. Let’s be honest, if he’s done to Heaven what he has done to earth, it will be a rickety old stile between two sagging barbed wire fences.

My maker won’t be thrilled to meet me, not when he discovers I’m gunning for him — especially as he has studiously ignored my previous customer complaints. I won’t be one of those serene souls gliding in with a harp and a halo.

No.

I’ll arrive crotchety having spent four hours on the tarmac, queued 45 minutes at customs, and just found out they gave me the wrong form to fill out.

God has got some explaining to do.

For starters, I’d like to discuss the general lack of response time on prayers. The Bible is big on relaying messages. Parable after parable. But praying is the equivalent of getting an ‘out of office’ reply with no return date. We only get an automated message that directs us to their ‘question-and-answer’ page.

Have you ever had a question answered there? Not me.

This is why I need to speak to the manager and not listen to the same bloody recorded message over and over.

“Your prayer is important to us. Please hold.”

God, did you tell your complaints department to just play some hymns for foreseeable future while you figure out what to do with us?

This is meant to be the Garden of Eden, but has he any idea what this life entails?

The last person in the toilet used up all the loo roll, peed all over the seat and left skid marks only ever seen on the runway at Heathrow Airport. My neighbour’s dog continues to bark at the moon all night, my sat nav thinks I’m in a different county and the Wi-Fi cuts off the moment I urgently need directions to a doctor, pharmacy or decent pub.

If Heaven has a help desk, it’s definitely outsourced — and not to angels with empathy, but to some alien who keeps going over the security checks on a loop, “How do you spell JoJo?”

While we’re at it, can we talk about the human body?

What’s the deal with women’s hormones? Why did you want us to alienate from our family and friends for one week every month? Even my cat avoids me for 10 days at a time. What possible plan did you have in mind, God? Or are you just a misogynist p***k?

What about the rest of our reproductive system? Did you get the shout-out to go for lunch in the middle of designing that and then forget to come back? I hope you choked on your sourdough and your Cabernet was corked.

My dad also asked me have a word. Knees! “Why?” he asks. His are like the hinges the entrance door to a haunted house. Hair! “It’s transferred from the top of my head to my nose. Why?” Memory! “How come it resets every time we go from one room to another?”

Mosquitoes? What’s the spiritual purpose of that tiny bloodsucking disease spreading maniac? If there’s some grand divine plan that involves me slapping my own face, I’d love to see the PowerPoint.

I’m also going to question this ‘All powerful’ thing. How come you allow bad people to exist? Unchecked. I mean, if it’s all about the lesson, you could have stopped with Hitler. You really didn’t need to rub it in with the rest since then.

And before he even opens his mouth, I’ll cut in, “Don’t you dare judge me. How can you sit just there and watch what is going on down there and do nothing?”

When I see what is going on in this world, I can’t help but scream. I used to shake my head, but now it is in danger of coming off. When are all these wars going to end? What is the point of them — it’s never the people who start them who fight in them, is it?

You are supposed to be a benevolent entity. My god. Actually. My arse.

“Have you gone deaf?”

Look, practically every day someone gets shot and millions of people across the world pray for you to do something about it. All those bloody religious fanatics (Christians included) can’t see that guns kill people, how about you give them a sign? Make the guns blow up in their hands or something.

All-powerful, you say? Try all-indifferent.

Oh, and by-the-way, in case you didn’t know, there are people gorging themselves on food and the stuff they throw away could feed the millions of starving people in the world — but you continue to let that happen. You give all the money to those too fucked up to do anything good with it.

Even your most devout followers, do nothing. Some sources say the Catholic church has assets well of £265 billion. Can you not have a word in their shells?

“Are you just out to punish everyone?”

Pandemics, horrible diseases, earthquakes, hurricanes, droughts, bus fires, climate change, child abuse, mass suffering, genocide, hatred, greed, poverty, human trafficking, slavery, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, and just look at the narcissistic idiots you let run our countries.

This is all happening under your watch. If this is your idea of omnipotence, maybe try turning it off and on again

Who decided to put you put you in charge, anyway?

Look, forget it.

Just tell me where Mrs God is and I’ll bring her up to speed on what’s happening. She obviously has no idea you dodge off work to go fishing every day, does she!