Talkin Vaginas With My Mom

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You ever have a certain period in your life where nothing seems to be going right? Like the Universe just keeps throwing all these things your way that you shouldn’t have to deal with that aren’t your fault but you just can’t ignore them otherwise things will get worse?

Well that’s been my life to a tee the last month. The current dumpster fire I am dealing with is that my hot water heater in my house finally bit the dust after 27 years. I went into my basement on a whim last week as I never go down there except on the weekends and to do laundry. So when I opened my basement door from the top of the stairs, I heard a hissing sound.

That was when I went downstairs to find over an inch of water and climbing all over my basement. When I used the flashlight on my phone to look at the hot water heater, I saw it was leaking like crazy from the bottom and because it was so old, there was no shut off valve to cut the water off so I had to turn the water off to my whole house.

So I called an emergency plumber that night but they couldn’t come out until the next morning. So long story short and $3,500 later…I have a brand new 40 gallon hot water heater and a claim in to my insurance company for the water damage.

Before anyone says that’s way too much for a hot water heater. Please keep in mind this included a six year warranty on all parts/service and getting my hot water heater up to code which it wasn’t. So a new valve and tank had to be installed and basically resolving an emergency situation was well worth it as it’s not like I had time to shop around. Having gotten that out of the way lol…

This hot water heater debacle is on the heels of my car accident which was no fault of my own as a stolen car caused my accident. Then add all the stress and anxiety that my surgeon has been piling on saying my vaginal canal is shrinking (more on that here if you wanna catch up).

And the cherry on top? I received a citation from the City for having high weeds/grass…or as you can see from the picture below; it’s a drive by picture of the bush in front of my house that has been there for the last 20 plus years. So now I have to fight this citation so I don’t keep getting tickets for ya know…having a bush in front of my house which I am well within my rights to have lol.

pic by author

So yeah…this has all happened since April 27th. Like the Universe seems to just want to pile it on not only mentally but financially as all this is costing me thousands as well as just wreaking havoc on my personal and work schedules.

Why do I bring all this up? Well I was at my parents house this past weekend where I basically was venting about all this to them. It’s kind of ironic as I split up the venting between my dad and mom depending on the topic.

For example, I saved the topic of the hot water heater for my dad. As back in the day if my dad was 20 years younger I would have called him up and he and I would have changed it out ourselves. So I was venting to him about all the things the guy did because he understands that stuff because he’s done it himself so he can appreciate that the cost was worth it.

But when it comes to my surgeon and my vaginal canal…that I hate to say it is mom territory only. If you haven’t been following along in my journey, my mom is the last person whom I share anything with because whenever I did in the past, she just didn’t want to hear it. She would rather stick her head in the sand and put her fingers in her ears before hearing about my womanly struggles.

But when my dad went outside to garden some more leaving my mom and myself alone in the kitchen, I said to myself. F*ck it…I’m gonna vent to my mom about my vagina and how my surgeon is stressing me out. Let’s see how this goes.

So after venting about my car briefly and my hot water heater, I said to her “On top of all this, my surgeon said my vagina is shrinking! They never showed me how to properly dilate so now they are telling me that my vaginal canal is shrinking and are blaming it on me.”

I then was like “They are stressing me out because my vaginal canal is 4 inches in depth…you know how big the average woman’s canal is? 3.78 inches!” I was like “I go in there, the surgeon ratches up the speculum and just starts criticizing my canal and then runs out in 5 minutes. I am getting exhausted because I am doing everything that they say to do and it’s not working so they blame me. I am just losing faith in my surgeon.”

You know what my mom said? She was like “Oh doctors don’t know anything! They try to control women’s bodies and nothing ever changes. It’s the same for me!”

So yeah…umm…that was TOTALLY unexpected. This coming from my mom who has criticized every step in my transition journey. This coming from my mom who traumatized me after my breast augmentation surgery after we got into an argument a couple hours after surgery. This coming from the same mom who two days before my vaginoplasty tried to scare me out of going through with it.

This “Doubting Thomas” of a mom actually on my side? Where has she been the last 3.5 years???

She then was like “Why are they pushing you to have a bigger vagina than a regular woman? That makes no sense!”

I was like “I haven’t asked why but I will at my last postop as I am trying to save face for now with my surgeon and her team. But I am just done listening to her. I need to take control of my recovery. I know my body best so that is what I am going to do!”

My mom was like “Good! That’s exactly what you should do!” Then my dad walked back in the kitchen and that was our cue to end the probably first ever and probably the last mother daughter talk ever.

With all that life has thrown at me in the last 30 days, it really felt amazing to have my mom finally on my side and be empathetic. I honestly expected her to throw this whole vaginal shrinking thing back in my face just like my complications with FFS (facial feminization surgery).

Like when I had complications from FFS, she was like “Well you wouldn’t have those issues if you didn’t get the surgery!”

So I honestly expected her to be like “Well if you didn’t get a vagina, then it wouldn’t be shrinking!” But nope, none of that.

I still tread lightly with my mom because it’s not like she’s happy that I transitioned. I think deep down she still views me as “killing” the baby boy she held in her arms over 40 years ago in the hospital.

The only difference now I think is she’s finally done fighting me. She’s done arguing. She knows whenever we did it was the same broken record and it was mentally exhausting.

At the end of the day, until my mom says she is happy for me then I know she will never truly be on my side. There will always be this resentment for me “killing” her baby boy and me resenting her for abandoning me when I first came out and not having my back.

But this conversation…this mother daughter conversation gives me hope. Hope that I will always keep because you only get one mom in this world. Here’s hoping the next 30 days goes better than the latter! lol

All the best!

— Amber

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