Men Are You Okay? Be Honest!

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.” — Glenn Close

Photo by christopher catbagan on Unsplash

Publicly-owned UK broadcaster, Channel4 News, recently put out some gripping facts about Men. According to the good folks down there, men around the world account for about three-quarters of all suicides, same with rough sleeping, 85% of rough sleepers are men. Also, men make up 30% of domestic violence abuse. Highlights how little is being done to help if the problem is mostly a male one.

To bring those percentages home, the figures from elsewhere show that about 1.6 million men attempt suicide every year, and 525,000 of those die. Let that sink in for a moment. That’s nearly twice the number of people who died of COVID-19 in the whole of Africa during the entire pandemic. Do you now see the picture? So why then is there no urgency to tackle this affliction? We shall return to that question in a jiffy.

The broadcast from Channel4 goes on to say that 95% of the people who die at work are men. So why don’t we care as much about men then?

The guest responded like this;

It’s because we have the sense that the male is the protector, so we don’t think of men as victims, so we have what is called the empathy gap. In other words, we have grown so used to losing male lives, we think of men as more disposable. It’s an evolutionary thing that the male has protected the social group or tribe, this goes back to prehistorical times. The males are protectors and they take risks to fight and to protect. Females on the other hand have been nurturing kids. This is not a stereotype, it’s an evolutionary archetype.

The one-minute Channel4 TikTok video cuts right there but I believe solutions were suggested. Before we suggest some of our own, more questions still linger on my mind.

What pushes a man to the edge? What gets him to the furthest point of darkness that all hope and light are extinguished from his heart and mind? What is that predicament that is so intricate and inextricable from a man, so much so that he is convinced beyond doubt that ending it all is the best singular solution there is? What creates in the deepest parts of the soul of a man the urge to commit suicide? To voluntarily cause fatal harm to himself and devise all sorts of ingenious methods to bring this dark act to fruition?

The paradox is further compounded when some of the victims exude a countenance of a life desired by most. A life of opulence and affluence.

This past week I attempted to ask these very questions in a circle of friends, mostly female. Of course we disagreed on a lot, mainly the part where they drew comparisons between the mental health situation of men and that of women. I insisted, and I still do now, that this is not about women, the problem here is a male one. There will be a time for intervention on women’s challenges. If we don’t stick to the subject, if we forget the alarming and jaw-dropping figures of men taking their lives or even getting depressed, abusing drugs and alcohol to a point where they become unrecognizable, then we are not only burying our heads in the sand but also becoming a central part of the problem.

We should all be concerned and act with urgency to try and roll back this trend of men losing themselves in droves. A society with fine men (no pun intended) is the joy of us all, men, women and children alike. We need men just as much as we need women and children. So rather than criticize and blame the men who find themselves in a precarious situation, I think we should instead extend grace to them and also raise our sons better.

Whereas I had sharp disagreements with my mates, we all agreed that to alleviate this scourge, men ought to unburden themselves with the heavy load of managing all affairs. Literally carrying the weight of the globe on their shoulders.

For example, that unlike in years past, today, the responsibilities in a homestead, including financial obligations can be shared. That it is okay for men not to be okay and they should be okay with it. That the whole macho and bravado demeanour that we have been brought up to believe to be the true measure of a man is not always true and is partly the cause of the mental health problem that men are facing today because it is taboo for them to open up and show vulnerability. Big boys don’t cry, they say.

However, sooner than later, the masquerade falls away and one is forced to confront the “demons” that they have been suppressing on the inside. Then all of a sudden, what seemed like a small, bearable bump on the road of life turns into this monstrous, terrifying, and unnerving beast that strips a man of all his courage and confidence.

It is that small chink in the knight’s armour that is exploited to become the entry for the sword into the warrior’s beating heart. It is that small hole in the ship, the one that is not attended to in time that eventually sinks the towering water vessel. A stitch in time saves nine, goes the proverb. Men, seek help early enough, there’s no shame in that.

Like we attend to everything else, from education to career and everything in between, let’s studiously learn to attend to our mental health. Our very existence and that of the larger society greatly depends on it.

Men, let’s learn to open up about our struggles. I hasten to caution, however, that this opening up ought to be in spaces that have proven over time to be safe. Vulnerabilities if expressed to the wrong parties can be used against one to detrimental effect. You could easily end up worse than before you expressed yourself.

So let’s build bands of brothers that are mature, real, and supportive. Steer clear of the toxic and petty. Avoid like a plague, the situations that trigger you. Alcohol is not a remedy. It will only make a bad situation worse. End your close friendships if you have to. Scream, cry, cut off some family members if you must. End that marriage if it comes to that. Do whatever it is you have to do but don’t you ever let yourself go! No problem is unsolvable. Don’t you ever give up and give in. If for nothing, at least hang on to witness the first-ever peaceful transfer of power in Uganda. I digress.

Also, men, learn to be good listeners. Be gracious to struggling compatriots. Do not talk over them as they labour to open up. Don’t water down or trivialize the issues that they grapple with, It only exacerbates the situation. Let’s learn.

June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, and this week, 10th to 16th, is International Men’s Health Week. I found it imperative to use this platform to highlight the plight of men in this sphere and encourage us all to play a role in rolling back the scary figures.

My heart goes out to all the men who are facing mental health challenges and to the families that are dealing with this issue, as well as the ones contending with the loss of loved ones to this scourge. “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”— The gospels.

For whatever it is worth. That’s my take ladies and gentlemen. Let’s go be better.

ThE LAst TeSO cHieF