ADHD and the Inner Critic (Why You’re So Hard on Yourself and Where It Actually Came From)

How one comment from my 8th-grade art teacher followed me for decades (and what finally quieted it)

Photo by Bárbara Fróes on Unsplash

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I remember 4 things about my 8th-grade art class.

I remember the teacher’s name. Getting yelled at for drawing leaves wrong. And a comment she made when I forgot my art project.

“You’d forget your head if it weren’t attached”.

I didn’t like her. I knew she didn’t like me.

But what I remember most? The embarrassment. The shame of being someone who can’t be trusted to remember.

Everyone else knew too. She said it in front of other people. I couldn’t look at them. I bowed my head, hoping to avoid their gaze.

My face turned red. My heartbeat started racing. Pounding in my chest. My palms started sweating. I had an intense urge to run and hide.

I defensively blurted out, “I would not!”

But the truth is, I would. I forgot things all the time. And that truth was not a sense of accomplishment. It was a deep-seated sense of feeling like there was something wrong with me.

From that belief rises the Voice. Its main goal is protection. It wants to make sure you’re never embarrassed again.

The Voice points out your failures. Smack talks to motivate you. And genuinely tries to stop you from making the mistake again. By being so critical and so mean.

My Voice assumed its mission after that day. I would no longer forget anything. And when I did, this memory would be called up again and again. Each subsequent time I forgot added to the montage. Because more is always better.

“She was right, you WOULD forget your head.”

I believed I was the person who forgot things. The one who couldn’t remember anything. I could not be counted on. I believed that so deeply. It was part of my identity.

After my ADHD diagnosis a few years ago, I started to realize that many of my “character flaws” were ADHD traits. Ones that no amount of shaming or trying hard was necessarily going to fix reliably.

I realized that maybe I didn’t have to define myself as someone who forgets things. Even though I do. It didn’t have to be a character flaw. It was an ADHD trait. And that was ok.

Frustrating sometimes when I’ve had to use my watch to call my phone for the 5th time that week. But that didn’t need to mean anything other than my brain is busy and has more important things to do.

The Voice started to change along with the belief.

This morning I lost my phone. Again. I was running a bit late. I was grumpy. I had no patience for the shenanigans that I usually need to go through to find the thing. But the Voice was just frustrated. Just wished that maybe I didn’t misplace it because I didn’t need something else on top of my day already.

There was no shame. No Voice telling me if I just tried harder to remember.

Just acceptance.

P.S. When you’re ready to challenge the voice telling you that you’re the problem, here’s how I can help:

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