A greatly knotty phase, accepting.

And to accept something, we must truly let it go.

Maybe, just maybe. Some of those things are meant to be yours, and some are not. Well, yeah, I hate to know the fact that some things aren't meant to be mine when I thought it was meant for me. I get frustrated, mad, angry, sad, and all sorts of emotions. I sometimes don't understand why some things or some people in my life had to be taken away from me, call me selfish, but what if I said I still need them, want them in my life? What if the people who got taken away from me meant something to me? What if they were the ones who helped me through everything? I sometimes don't understand why people leave every now and then, like it's nothing. Some, well maybe a lot of people have left my life, I had to watch them walk away with my own eyes, and I had to live with it. I had to swallow the pain and just go on with my life like nothing had happened.

“People come and go,” they say. But I don't want them to go, sometimes. I don't want to live with the burden, with the love footprints that linger around me wherever I go, I still need them in my life. I don't want them to go. This thing…the need to accept things as they are haunts me, what if I can’t accept the fact that they just walked straight out of my life, or what if I can’t accept that fact that some things are just not made to be mine, what if I can’t accept that fact that I have to let things go sometimes, its a scary phase, what if I can’t accept anything as they are?

It's pathetic, not being able to accept anything is rather pathetic, I never knew that I would become a person to ever beg the people in my life to not leave me. It's pathetic, I wish I could erase this side of me that's always so scared to accept things. I wish I could accept things easily. But I can't. I haven't been able to accept the disappearance of my dad, or the death of my grandma, or the way that I stopped being friends with my junior high friends, my elementary friends — I wanted them to stay in my life for a little longer. And ever since, I have just been telling myself to get my shit together and swallow the pain, accepting it as it is. But it gets hard, this phase, this phase where I have to accept things is scary, it's a scary step, and I'm scared that I won't be able to accept things as easily. I can't let it go, I just can't, no matter how hard I try. Once flashbacks of the memories flood my head again, I can't help but burst into tears for the millionth time. It still hurts, and I don't know why. I thought I had accepted it and let it go, but turns out I just can't.

Can’t you stay a little longer in my life? It's not fair. It's not fair that this universe had to take you away from me, Grandma. It's not fair that you just left one day without an explanation, Dad. It's not fair that one day we just stopped talking, Jena. It's not fair. I know I can't keep holding back or even force anything that happens, but it just isn't fair. We all need someone who’d stay. Can you just keep me close and love me most?

Accepting is one of the phases that I — honestly — dread the most. We need to accept some sort of things, but mostly, everything. But what does it mean to accept?

To accept is not to erase, but to hold gently what once was and keep walking anyway

Acceptance isn’t about forgetting, and it’s never about pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s about learning to live with the emptiness and still finding ways to smile. It’s about carrying the weight of the people you’ve lost in the quiet corners of your heart, and still being able to move forward even when your legs feel heavy. Some goodbyes leave echoes, and some memories never fade — but I’ll carry them with me, not as chains, but as reminders that I loved deeply, and I lived honestly. That’s what matters, in the end.

@byseavara on ig