Should a Relationship Ever Be a Goal?

We’re told to set goals, but maybe some things aren’t meant to be goals

Photo: congerdesign via Pixabay

Over the years, I’ve had goals around relationships. At one point, the goal was marriage and kids. At another point, it was to find lasting love — with or without marriage. There was even a time, very briefly, when the goal was just to find someone I was sexually compatible with.

Sometimes I accomplished those goals, and sometimes I didn’t — as evidenced by the fact that I am currently single. But there came a point where a light bulb went off and a question formed in my mind.

Should a relationship ever be a goal? More specifically, should being in a relationship be your goal?

We’re told we need goals. We’re told if we want to accomplish something, we should make it a goal. That making something a goal makes it easier to break it down into manageable steps and therefore, to achieve said goal.

But does that apply to relationships? Or maybe the better question is, should it apply to relationships?

Remember SMART goals?

At some point, you probably learned about SMART goals. These are goals that are:

· Specific

· Measurable

· Achievable

· Relevant

· Time-bound

We learn about SMART goals because by making them SMART, we make them possible. With specificity, we create a goal that is clear and concise — we know what we want, how we want it, and why we want it.

By making them measurable, we give ourselves a yardstick by which to examine our progress. Are we closer to the goal? Further away? Moving to the left or right of the goal? These things help us determine how to get back on track so we can achieve the goal.

Achievable goals are ones that are doable. They’re goals we have the resources, skills, talents, and whatever else we need to achieve them. In other words, we’re not deciding we want to be the youngest person to climb Mt. Everest when we’re 90-years-old.

Relevance is about making sure that this smaller goal aligns with the broader goals of our lives, such as careers, travel, where to live, and more. If a smaller goal doesn’t fit in with or further the bigger goals of our life, it may not actually be a goal we want to set.

Finally, there’s the time-bound aspect. SMART goals have a timeframe for accomplishing the goal. It might be as short as a few minutes or as long as several years, even decades, but there is a date by which we believe we can accomplish this goal.

And this brings us to the real question.

How is a relationship a SMART goal?

There are so many variables when it comes to relationships, from the different types to the people. Is it really possible to set a SMART goal when it comes to relationships?

I’m not so sure.

Let’s first look at the specific factor. You can get pretty specific about what you want. You could say, “I want to find a man to get married and have three children with a cat, a dog, a two-story house in Georgia and a white-picket fence.” You could even get specific about that man, describing his appearance, personality, character traits, family, career, and whatever else matters to you about him.

But no matter how specific you get, you’ll never be able to guarantee that all of those things will exist in any relationship you have. And if you hold out to wait for all your specifics, you might end up never being in a relationship because the specific person and relationship you’ve created may not exist.

What about measurability? How do we measure our progress toward a relationship? If we’re dating someone right now, we might think we’re well on our way to meeting the goal only to have that yardstick broken when the person we’re seeing tells us they’re moving on. If we’re not dating someone, it’s even harder to try to measure progress. We don’t know who our potential partner might be or where they are.

Achievability might be one of the hardest parts of this for some. Many people are not given the resources, tools, and skills to have healthy, satisfying relationships. What’s worse is that we don’t always recognize that we don’t have those things, either. This means we could find that perfect person who would give us the relationship we desire and end up losing it all because we’re not equipped to actually have that relationship.

Relevance matters too. If you’re telling yourself and everyone else that you want a relationship where you stay at home and raise kids while also setting goals of becoming a top-performing partner in your law firm or curing cancer, you might find that the two goals are seriously misaligned. And that’s going to create a lot of conflict in your life as you try to force them into alignment.

And let’s not forget the time-bound aspect, which might be the hardest part of all. As they say, you can’t hurry love. Some might argue that love is a choice and so you can set a goal of say, six months, and choose to love someone within that timeframe. But not everyone believes that, and let’s remember that just because you love someone (by choice or by fate, whatever you believe) doesn’t mean they love you in return. We have no control over another person. How can we put a deadline on love when we don’t know who we will love, where they are, and whether or not they want the same things we do? We can’t!

How do we find love if it’s not a goal?

Setting a goal to find a relationship isn’t the best idea. The time-bound part sets us up to accept a partner who might not be as good as we deserve. The specificity can set us up to be too demanding and expect too much from a potential partner. If we’re not equipped with the right resources, we may not be in the right space to handle a healthy relationship at the moment.

But just because a relationship shouldn’t be a SMART goal doesn’t mean we can’t set some kind of goal around finding love.

For example, perhaps our goal could be to actively seek out potential partners. Maybe our goal is to go on at least two dates per month or week if we’re currently not going on any dates at all. Or maybe the goal is to swipe right on at least three dating profiles a day, while also being clear that those three profiles need to have certain attributes that really matter — like having a full-time job, being a non-smoker, or being open to having children.

Maybe instead of setting a goal, we instead clarify our intentions. We get clearer on what we’re looking for, what our biggest priorities are, and what we’d ideally like, we’re more open to finding other people who are aligned with that. By distilling our desires down to the most important things, we set clearer boundaries around who we’re willing to date and that can bring us that much closer to finding the love we want.

We could also seek out a little therapy. Most of us, whether from childhood or from our own not-so-great relationship experiences, have had at least one or two unhealthy relationships — whether it was seeing our parents or grandparents or our own bad relationships. Working with a professional who understands mental health, potential trauma, and relationships can help us heal from the past, eliminate unhealthy things we’ve accepted as normal, and learn new, better skills and resources for healthy, satisfying, happy relationships.

Make being ready for a relationship the goal instead

Being relationship-ready is a more realistic goal than the relationship itself. By making your goal being ready for a relationship, you set yourself up to create some realistic steps you can take. You can measure your progress. You can give yourself a deadline for creating your list of expectations of a partner or starting therapy.

But perhaps the best part of this is that all the thing you do to be relationship-ready will also make you a better person in general. All of your relationships will benefit from the steps you’re taking. Even your career can see benefits.

Then, when the right person comes along and the two of you decide — together — what kind of relationship you want, you’ll be prepared for it.

And that will give you a much better relationship than setting a goal to be in a relationship ever would.

I’m Wendy Miller. I’m a freelance writer and self-care expert who helps people find their way in our modern world. I’ve been published on Her Track, Tiny Beans, and Thought Catalog. People from all over the world have read my work. I offer advice to parents on parenting, how to find relationships that work for them, and how to take care of themselves — because we’re all a work in progress!

Check out my profile for more posts you might like and follow me on social media!

You can also sign up to receive an email every time I publish.

Not a Medium member yet? Subscribe now through my link to support me and all the other writers on Medium. For just $5/month or $50/year, you’ll show your interest in and appreciation for our work and gain access to everything every author publishes on Medium.

You might also enjoy:

[embed]How to Find Happiness With and Without a Partner Happiness belongs to you, not someone elsemedium.com

[embed]What Do Couples’ Therapists Really Think About Marriage? What They Want You To Know A compilation of some of the best tips couples’ therapists can offer on making your marriage workmedium.com