Caged Inside My 24/7 Mind

Today was one of those really hard days. You can probably tell because here I am writing again.

I’ve been obsessively Googling every possible way to get my daughter back with me. It’s such an awful feeling when you feel powerless and hopeless at the same time. My brain just spirals left, right, center, opening every mental folder one by one trying to find some kind of solution, some kind of justice, some kind of proof that things will eventually work out. Then comes the emotional rollercoaster attached to all of it.

And somehow, while your whole mind is collapsing internally, life still expects you to function normally.

Laundry still needs to be done. Dishes still need washing. The house still needs cleaning… and cleaning again because apparently the ants have started a population expansion project inside my house. They are everywhere. On the table, in the cupboards, on the floor, crawling on clothes. Tiny hardworking pests. Honestly, why can’t they just take a holiday? Go outside, enjoy the sun, take a swim, live their best ant lives literally anywhere except my house.

But obviously it’s not really about the ants. They just add to the frustration already overflowing in my brain.

Then there’s my little kiddos. They are beautiful. Truly. But wow… exhausting. Older sister + younger brother = daily war. Nonstop. I genuinely don’t know if it’s normal for siblings to dislike each other this much. Is it normal that they can’t even stay in the same room for longer than a minute before fighting? Someone please tell me because I honestly don’t know anymore.

So while they’re fighting each other, I’m already fighting myself in my own head. Thinking about everything I still need to do. Thinking about emotions I don’t even know how to process. Then trying to stop them from fighting while I’m mentally fighting too. It’s chaos everywhere all at once.

And the “mamma… mamma… mamma…” about 150 times a day? Sometimes I feel like my brain physically shuts down from it. At this point they should just call me by my government name because I barely even feel like a functioning human anymore, never mind “mamma.”

I’ve been under so much stress that I spend almost every single day trapped inside my own head. Like mentally caged. And I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with all three of my kids together, but lately that feels impossible.

One minute I’m motivated and full of energy, telling myself: “I’m going to get through this. I’m not giving up. I won’t lose.”

Then ten seconds later I’m sitting around the corner with two cigarettes and a cup of coffee I emotionally depend on, sobbing and wishing I could just become brain-dead for a week so my thoughts could freeze long enough for me to finally rest.

I’ll eventually share more about the events that led me here. Honestly, “unfortunate events” feels too soft for it. My life sometimes feels like bad luck personally rented a room in my house and refuses to leave. Not even in a dramatic bragging way either. I somehow manage to win and lose at the exact same time. That kind of luck follows me around like a lost puppy.

Ironically, I’d actually prefer a real puppy.

But instead it’s just me, my chaotic mind, and another day of trying to survive it.

Until next time… goodnight to all the people who actually have the privilege of sleeping.

Definitely not jealous at all.