Another Fucking Problem #18

Prompt from Kay Flanagan for Auntie Asshole

Photo by Varju Luceno on Unsplash

Dear Cash Over Closure:

Ah, another fine conundrum for us here at Rancho Asshole. This really makes our blood boil, for sure. We’re all pretty broke — but we love what we do (cocktails at noon, pizza at two, rolled joints at 5), so when we hear about money (large sums, as you explained in your heart-wrenching letter) exchanging hands for a TAX WRITE-OFF in the form of GIFTS, well, we know we have to add more Vodka to the martini mixer and get to work!

Your husband needs therapy. Badly. We suggest finding one who specializes in those deeply rooted issues you so eloquently revealed about his years of emotional abuse, but NOT YET; this will come later. Read on.

Okay, first on our white paper flip chart:

WHO HASN’T BEEN EMOTIONALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD?

This one was easy. We all raised our hands. We all feel for your husband, but not a single one of us had/has the possibility of a hefty cash bag hanging at the end of the tunnel. This is just NUTS, dear!

WHAT FOOL WOULDN’T TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN?

Once again, we all agreed to take the money and get therapy later.

FACT:

Obviously, your wanker of a husband has put his weepy heart at the forefront of a cash cow that could SAVE YOUR ASSES. Now you’re in the throes of deciding just how far your marriage will go if he continues to plead for emotional closure with people who would rather have their teeth drilled by a blind dentist than admit to any wrongdoing during his petty little childhood. After all, did he ever go without? Did he miss a meal, or a toy, or luxuries beyond what most of us consider a gift from heaven?

No, we suspect he did not.

We know you won’t take your marriage to the skids because somewhere along the way, YOUR TENACITY WILL PAY OFF! You must remain calm, attentive — maybe even get your legal pad out and sit him down and have him explain the tortures of his childhood (while you take careful notes about how you’re going to rehab the whole house once the money does come in)— and slowly persuade him that he doesn’t really need to know the why from his parents, or to understand that he has a better chance of seeing Jesus than getting an apology or acknowledgement from the two people who scarred him for life, then you can offer suggestions about how he can deal with this like a big boy.

We would strongly recommend that you say, in no uncertain terms, that the plight has reached a dead end. Period. There is nothing beyond the yellow sign that is significant aside from money. You must convince him that the money is THEIR WAY of saying they are sorry. Words are just words. Cold hard cash is, well…a solid road to security.

We also suggest getting your loving parents in on the deal (with a cut, of course), thereby showing him that adults CAN love him despite his silly ‘feewings’.

The men at Rancho Asshole all agree that they are light-years behind women when it comes to emotional stamina. The men also agree that you must gently remind your husband of this very fact, and you continue to assure him that you WILL take the hits so he doesn’t have to.

Show him you can be the warrior he cannot be!

BUT don’t make him feel less-than; he’s worth a fortune, you know…you must take small steps here; one wrong word and the whole thing could backfire like a fart from a Rhino when backed up against a wall.

You must remain steady and forthright, agreeing with him that spending grueling time with his parents was never worth the years of fucked up intestines, and it is high time for that gut-bending adventure to come to an end, but only AFTER THE GIFT HAS BEEN DISTRIBUTED!

Timing is KEY.

You can side with him and cry with him, and say you’ll be right there with him every step of the way — especially when you convince him to allow you to put all the money into your account so you can assure him further by saying (try for conviction here — not too dramatically): “You don’t even have to look at it or know it’s there!”

IMPORTANT STEP:

Make him feel heard.

We know, sometimes, that we women get exhausted trying to carry the burden of our partner’s shitty childhood (and our own, as well), so we think you should assure him that the money will make his life easier, and maybe he can accept the fact that his parents are STILL providing for him and for his family! “Isn’t that the most vital thing now?” Explain (if necessary with flow charts and a spreadsheet) how important that is to ALL of you! Get the kids in on this too.

Remember: SOLIDARITY, in its primal form, is a formidable weapon!

And when the bag of cash is delivered and stashed appropriately into your private account — you can reconsider the therapy sessions, hire an actual therapist for him, and get to the tasks of sending your kids to the colleges of their choice. Once you’re both empty nesters, the kids have been married off, and your house has gone from $120,000 to over $2.2 million with all the rehab, you can sell it, move far away, and watch the sunset together, hand in hand, in separate bathtubs at the edge of your new lakefront property.

Wait, wasn’t that a commercial for VIAGRA or something?

Ach, anyhow, we wish you the best of luck, AND…if you can spare it, perhaps a little cash thrown our way for all the fucking advice we give out, thanklessly, daily?

Just something to think about.

Yours truly,

The Entire Team at Rancho Asshole

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