I Tell My Diary About You, Simply Because I Fell in Love

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It’s been a while since the last time I felt this way. Oftentimes, if not most of the time, I rely on the perceived availability of someone to land my feelings on. That might not be the case this time.

I wouldn’t claim that I believe love at first sight, because I don’t see love as simply an emotion.

Love doesn’t come merely as a response.

It takes time; it takes up a spot in my soul. When it’s occupied, I realise that I carry my heavy heart wherever I go.

It compels me to calculate every single step I make. I encompass my own logic and the feelings tightly with care to navigate through you; your beautiful mind, your thoughtful acts and your endearing words — even though no matter how much I try to be brave, I still do feel scared.

Amidst the raging storm in my brain and despite how many times I failed, I’m more than willing to make the idea of us work. I’ll make sure it’s worth your time.

Repeatedly these days, I ask and doubt myself. There’s a part of me who’s uncertain of our future, together. But, there’s also another part of me who can’t erase your whole existence as someone who makes me want to fight the world just for the sake of your happiness.

Kind and sweet. That’s how I see you, and I don’t expect you to be perfect. I never do.

Ending our story, that’s neither something I wish I’ll ever do nor have to go through. The moment you talked to me, whether I liked it or not, I suddenly became a teenage boy again. I was on the verge of breaking composure. My collected facade nearly abandoned me.

No matter if my eyes are open or closed, at the end of the day, I wish you would stay with me.

Although, as you should know by now, I’m not exactly being truthful, because my diary isn’t the only thing that has heard your name from me. The beautiful sky after 4 p.m. and the pavement beneath my feet on the way home know about you too.

You’re not my secret. Maybe you never will be. Maybe the world will always know that I fell for you.

I may wear my heart too openly sometimes, but I still make an effort to think rationally about everything. Loving you is not an exception. However, I don’t think it makes sense, even for the slightest. I acknowledge that it doesn’t have to, but I’m too used to stand on my own. Perhaps I forget the proper way to love someone.

Little by little, I’m making peace with broken pieces my past left for me. I hope life helps you with healing your heart as well.

When the time is right, my love will come gently towards you.

There’s no need to rush anything because we have plenty of time to spend in this world, at least I wish so. If I somehow eventually run out of it, I hope to see you again in another universe — one where we’ll end up together.

This time, I’m learning not to apologise for holding someone close to my soul because I believe that loving you is not a mistake.

I’ll grow and become a better person. I only hope you’ll still accept the imperfect version of me along the way; because I want to do the same for you. Don’t burden yourself hiding your ugly sides from me. And don’t even try because I’ve already chosen to accept them.

Until then, take care.