Does Talking to Inanimate Objects Help?

Of course it does

Photo by mk. s on Unsplash

Ask any golfer if they talk to their clubs and balls. The answer should be yes; if not, they are most likely lying.

After watching the recent Masters Tournament, I’m convinced that Rory McIlroy won because he talked to his balls.

If he’s not talking to a ball he’s hit, then the broadcast commentators most certainly are, as well as the spectator gallery.

When I played golf, I talked to my balls all of the time. That is my golf balls, not my hidden jewels.

C’mon on you bastard stay straight this time.

Why didn’t you bite into the grass before rolling into the creek?

And my favorite, as I thrashed around in the thick rough,

Where in the hell are you?

I’d scream at my balls right after I hit them, telling them to bite, squeeze left, land softly, push off, pull in, and go for the hole. I could only hope that my words had some effect, almost like a Harry Potter spell.

Screaming at flying golf balls was my way of transferring responsibility from hitting a bad shot. I liked giving the ball as much credit or as much blame as possible. Most of the time, it wasn’t the ball's fault where it landed. It was the golf club's fault, never my own.

I also talk to bowling balls.

As I set up my shot, I give my ball a few encouraging words:

You better stay out of the gutter.

Don’t forget to turn in as you get closer to the pins.

If you don’t knock down at least 8 pins I can’t have another beer.

You are a magnificient bastard, as long as your knocking down pins.

And of course, when shooting billiards, I’ve been known to have a few choice words with the balls that didn’t cooperate with my shot.

And who hasn’t scolded a dart when it veers off course and hits the outer ring, or worse yet, the wall.

I’ve been known to have conversations with my fishing poles, my skis, my bike, my car, and my computer.

I enjoy talking to things that don’t get insulted or talk back. It’s a habit I carried over from childhood. I can’t remember how many conversations I had with my Chia Pets.

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