The Aftermath

No one talks about what happens after it's over, not the obvious parts — the pain, sadness and regret, those are easy to name emotions. What i am talking about here is far more complex, it's something that not only changes person-but his future and the past.

You might think that changing future sounds realistic but past? how is that possible, but love can do that actually, when the person I used to see as my QALB left me, something happened, I left my present and shifted to past, the failed relationships I thought were settled reignites again, i now doubted my own past self, thinking and questioning to myself, was i always wrong? did I actually deserved all of this without realizing till now?.

When she left, I never felt pain, never regretted but what I felt was far more serious, far more complex, something I couldn't even put into words, I felt numb, suddenly nothing mattered, it felt like I was braindead, felt like I was dying, not just emotionally but physically, I felt like my body was shutting down in literal sense, I wasn't able to sleep and whenever I did, it wasn't any better than my usual life, I started having really bad nightmare.

I had always been a big horror/slasher franchise fan — I was a tough lad in those situations — but these nightmares were completely different, something I had never experienced before.

After she left, she didn't disappear completely- she just moved somewhere i couldn't control. She started showing up in my dreams, not in dramatic or chaotic fashion, not even any romantic way or anything like that, those dreams felt real, it felt like it was actual real life of mine, now there was no distance and no ending of our love, no last conversation and no last good bye, she was mine forever there, a place I couldn't enter on will, a place where I had no control whatsoever.

Then I would wake up, not violently or scared, the moment i used to open my eyes was the same moment the numbness would start entering my body. Again I was dead, after all those moments, the room would be quiet, exactly as it was before I slept, i became a drug addict and a sex addict, i became a soulless human.

While I was heavily intoxicated, I tried to end my life — and failed, of course. Sometimes, after heavy doses, my eyes would dry out and I had to pour water from a glass to wet them again. It also affected my future. I was in the bonds market at that time, and this incident set me back by a year. A full year of my progress and profits was gone.

My focus got really bad, and I felt lifeless and suicidal 24/7. I kept thinking to myself that I would never recover from this. I became an atheist because I thought God was testing me — and I showed Him the middle finger and said I wasn’t passing this test this time. I still don’t regret that decision, by the way.

This one incident not only changed just me but also people around me, my family thought I was done, nobody tried to check on me, the expectations of everyone were ruined.

I was not enjoying travelling with friends anymore, no parties were lifting my mood up, no amount of time with family was fixing my heart, therapies didn't work at all and now I was a dead body that was still breathing. I started to cry, I started to cry over everything, some random cat I saw in streets thinking how would she get her next meal, I used to feed around 20 cats every day and used to cry while they were eating, thinking who would care for them if I died.

I over loved and over-romanticized everything about her, but I also never regretted it, to be honest with you it was more of confusion for me, I have always been a guy who used to fear everything, i used to fear losing something even before getting it, i feared losing her, that fear destroyed me and my relationship with her, this could've ended so beautiful.

I am still the same guy, same fears, same motivation, but I am a lot better in other fields of my life, i am still an addict but not as extreme as I was before, I should've never loved anyone, and this one incident changed me

I now know that I am not compatible for any human relationship.