JUNE PROMPT

7 Times the Internet Boned My Croissant

Recipes, bomb-making tips, and sheep-shearing for dummies all in one algorithmic fog

Ahh, the humble croissant… the Cylon fighter of pastries. Yes, you need geek wisdom of Battlestar Galactica to get the reference… I regret nothing. Photo by David Thielen on Unsplash

The internet is a wondrous achievement; a miracle of human invention.

We can communicate across continents instantly, access the entire body of world knowledge, and watch animal videos that are so sweet they give your eyeballs diabetes.

Unfortunately, the internet also has the attention span of a hyperactive shooting star.

This I know because I went online to find a decent croissant recipe and ended up learning how to make pipe bombs from household products and enough about sheep shearing to become a moderate threat to New Zealand’s livestock population.

So here it is: the seven times the internet completely boned my croissant.

#1 The Croissant Incident

It started innocently.

I looked up “easy croissant recipe.”

The very first article said I needed 17 ingredients, 72 hours of preparation, performance anxiety, and what looked to me like a degree in structural engineering.

By the fourth page, I was reading about the history of stone-milled sourdough in 17th century France.

And that awful tower.

#2 The “Helpful” Video

One video promised: “Perfect Croissants in Five Minutes!”

Awesome.

The following is a breakdown of the first four and a half minutes:

• Asking for subscribers
• Begging for likes
• Share notifications
• Smashing requests
• Patreon pan-handling
• Discord invites
• Meeting the creator’s Nana

The actual recipe lasted 19.2 seconds.

I paused to write it down.

The video was complete.

#3 The Suggested Content

Here’s where the algorithm came in and ascertained for itself that I’ve adopted baking as a lifestyle choice.

So naturally, it started recommending blacksmithing.

Within seconds of my fifth click, I was watching a big hairy dude in leather overalls forge a battle axe from old washing machine parts.

Two hours later I was shopping for anvils.

I don’t even have a workshop.

I live in a loft.

#4 The Forum Experts

Ahh, the forums.

Magical places where every question you ask has 27 answers and all of them are pissed off.

I simply asked why my croissants weren’t flaky. I got the following replies:

• Humidity
• Industrial capitalism
• My butter lacked spiritual confidence
• Something to do with monetary policy and medieval trade negotiations

None of that helped. My croissants still sucked monkey-bum.

#5 The Educational Detour

In my search for the perfect flour, I encountered a fascinating article about fertilizer. I find that crap engaging.

This led to farming.

Farming led to livestock management.

Soon I was watching: Advanced Shearing Techniques for Greenhorn Shepherds.

I’ve never owned a sheep.

Never even approached one at a petting zoo.

But somehow I now have strongly entrenched opinions about wool quality.

#6 The Government Watch List Speedrun

By this point the algorithm had gone nuttier than a Turkish bath.

One tab discussed baking temperatures.

The next, metallurgy.

A third, chemical reactions from stuff found under the kitchen sink.

The fourth started with:

For educational purposes only!

Experience has taught me that when a website starts that way, someone has made a decision that will eventually require months of paperwork.

I closed two dozen tabs very quickly.

But probably not quickly enough….

#7 The Final Form

Six hours after a simple desire for a decent croissant recipe, I had newly acquired wisdom in:

• Sheep shearing
• Metal forging
• Medieval French agricultural methods
• Industrial chemistry
• Fertilizer go boom-boom
• Emergency burn treatment
• Regional wool grading

What I didn’t have was a freakin’ croissant!!

The internet had taken a simple breakfast inquiry and served up a multidisciplinary research project that probably has a chance to get me arrested by the Feds.

I gave up and ate a granola bar.

Upon reflection, isn’t that the true business model of the internet?

You log on seeking pastry.

You leave with 17 useless skills, a few new hobbies, mass confusion, and the way uncomfortable understanding that you now know how to shear a sheep but still can’t make a damn croissant.

Isn’t civilization amazing??