Bunco is the most underrated social hack for adults

A game for their time and ours

Even if you haven’t read the books, you’ve certainly heard the interviews, podcasts, and read the think pieces from people like Jonathan Haidt, Cal Newport, Derek Robertson, and others. The Atlantic might as well be a catalog of “How to not be a lonely adult”. The problem with all these thinkers is that they’re not wrong, but what do we do instead? It’s hard to go from “It’s the screens, stupid!” to what to actually do instead.

There’s a learned helplessness we’ve all succumbed to. We go from talking about “digital detoxes” to just white-knuckling our way through the week without any notion of what to do that’s actually sociable and sustainable.

This is where Bunco comes in.

The cozy $20 game that cured my leisure paralysis

After my grandmother moved into a retirement condo alongside hundreds of other retirees, the management company’s event coordinator (technically a “social engagement manager”, a term that feels uniquely ironic in a world of “social media managers”) kept promoting Bunco.

Bunco’s a century-old dice game that just involves rolling three dice. If in round one you roll three ones, that’s a 21-point Bunco, and you win. If, instead, you rolled three fours on round one, that’s a mini-Bunco. The goal is 21 points. There’s a little more to it, but the primary schtick is it’s easy to learn and mostly a chance to chat with and move around a room as it’s traditionally played with several tables of players at a time.

Imagine my surprise that Grandma kinda liked it. She met people. It reminded her of the Bridge and Euchre games her mom used to play with friends, back when people seemed to know how to host a few friends without anxiety or stress about “having company.” All they needed was a few card tables and a bowl of snacks.

Now, in our time, we have developed a sort of “leisure paralysis”, where most of us can’t even imagine what we’d do in the evenings or on weekends without a screen. We shift from “I won’t scroll Instagram” to “I guess I’ll scroll Netflix on the TV.” Call it “Default Dopamine Syndrome”, where we move between a few pre-selected defaults for entertainment. Rotating between Amazon, Netflix, TikTok, and on and on.

All my friends kept talking about how they struggled in one way or another with the same paralysis. So, taking a cue from Grandma, I bought some dice (through a screen, alas, I guess I could have gone to a store), and for $20 had some dice, pens, and a few notepads (also bought online), and invited everyone over for Bunco.

Reader, let me tell you that Bunco may just be the most underrated social hack of this century. I guess it was popular in the last century for a reason. We started playing and, with a couple bottles of wine, me and three other friends lost total track of time.

We didn’t have to go out to bars or coordinate some big to-do. A few text messages of time and place and we were laughing and sharing stories about old boyfriends, how one of our friends who died in a car wreck would have loved this, and memories of earlier times. We talked about work and husbands and all the things women have talked about together for generations. Turns out, grandma and her mom were on to something this whole time.

The psychology of a Bunco and a good time

None of this is surprising to actual psychologists. Bunco is an easy game, you roll some dice and get the instant feedback of either winning or losing. There’s the thrill of reward cycles and streaks and a little bit of competition. But unlike doom-scrolling Instagram for a half hour, Bunco “right-sizes” the rewards.

Even playing online (I Googled around bored at work the next day and stumbled into playbunco.com) feels like a throwback to those early 2000s games that felt like a game and not some hyper-engineered open world designed to take over your whole life.

I’m sure someone could study how much dopamine you get when you scroll on a cute photo of a garden on Instagram that you’ll never tend or someone’s vacation you’re not sure is even real. But being with real people? Talking about real problems and sharing actual stories? That’s a soothing wash of all sorts of social signals that’s hard to recreate in the Insta-simulacrum of screen time.

Start your own Bunco (or whatever game) friend group

It doesn’t have to be Bunco, of course. You could play cards or Monopoly or probably even Operation (they still make that game!). Here’s the key: you have to trust that if you are feeling burnt out on screentime and digital “living”, your friends are probably feeling the same way, too. They just need a nudge.

1. Start with who you know. Ask a brother, co-worker, old college friend, whoever. Dig up someone’s number, even if you have to ask them for it via Messenger.
2. Pick a silly old-timey game. These games have been around for a long time for a reason. They’re good games! Don’t get hung up on big complicated board games at the game store. Stick with what you know.
3. Don’t stress too much over how clean the house is or whatever. No one’s fooling anyone anyway. Just do what everyone did in the 80s when family showed up suddenly: clean the toilet, wipe down the sinks, pick up a few loose odds and ends, and clear away the kitchen table. That’s really all anyone’s going to notice.

Over time people can invite more people. Maybe they know a co-worker, have a sibling, or spouse. This was how people met other people for generations. It works! Just remember to tell everyone to leave their phone in their car or in another room when you start. That’s how one $20 game replaced nearly $7,000 worth of four phones, three iPads, and a TV.