Was It Love or Control? Recognizing Narcissistic Parenting

“You’ve been treating me badly since you were two years old.”

That was what Raquel G.’s mother told her.

Two years old. Barely able to speak, barely able to understand the world — and already labeled the problem. This moment, among many others, is one of the painful memories Raquel shares in her deeply moving memoir This Is Not My Mother.

Her story shows the reality of children raised by narcissistic parents, where love becomes tangled with control, and affection is handed out like a paycheck — only when earned.

Narcissistic parenting doesn’t always look like abuse from the outside. It can come packaged in discipline, religious values, or even praise. But at its core, it operates from a place of control rather than compassion. A narcissistic parent may want their child to behave not because it’s good for the child but because it protects the parent’s image or comforts their ego.

Raquel’s childhood was filled with contradiction. She had clothes, food, a roof. Her mother worked hard and kept a strict household. On paper, things looked fine. But the emotional terrain told a different story. She wasn’t allowed to speak her mind without being accused of disrespect. Expressing sadness or disagreement invited rage or punishment. She was expected to be grateful for the bare minimum and was met with silence or anger when she needed understanding.

There were moments of hope where Raquel thought her mother was warming up, only to be pushed away again. For instance, one time, she was finally invited to the mall, only to end up being punched in the face during the ride home for saying something that wasn’t even meant to be disrespectful. Or when she was excited about going to prom and proudly showed the dress she bought with her own money, only to be told she couldn’t attend because she “hadn’t asked for permission.”

The confusion is real. Children raised by narcissistic parents often live in a constant state of self-doubt. Was that my fault? Did I do something wrong? Maybe if I just work harder, clean more, and stay quiet longer, things will change. Raquel lived in that space for years, trying to earn love that she should have never needed to earn.

Religion added another layer of complexity. Raised in a Pentecostal home, Raquel was taught to honor, obey, and respect her mother and father. But what happens when the person you’re supposed to honor is the one hurting you? What happens when obedience means silencing your pain?

Eventually, Raquel found the strength to leave home. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t perfect. But it was necessary. She didn’t leave because she hated her mother. She left because she needed peace. She needed to breathe. She needed to find out who she was without constantly being told she was wrong.

Raquel doesn’t aim to tear her mother down when telling her story. Her goal is to tell the truth — unfiltered and uncensored — for those who have felt similarly unseen. For those who were told they were too sensitive, too lazy, too dramatic. For those who have spent years questioning whether what they experienced was real.

The difference between love and control can be hard to see when you grow up walking it like a tightrope. But if love is based on fear, silence, or performance, then it’s not love. It’s survival.

Raquel’s voice may be telling her story, but her message is universal: You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you deserve to be loved without conditions.

Read her story now in This Is Not My Mother: (I Was Raised by a Narcissistic Mom and Didn’t Know It).