My #MentalHealth Journey

This was just supposed to be a birthday greeting.

Dr Lorna Caneda, our well-loved “mommy” celebrated her special day last Nov 1. She is also my counselor and colleague at Benilde, where she was the former director of the Center for Counselling Services. I promised her that I will share my story one day, when I am ready.

So here’s my #mentalhealth story.

Last year, I was going through a lot at work and at home, with my family.

Actors Nonie & Shamaine Buencamino talk about the pain of losing their daughter. Such a brave act of love and healing!

October 2017. We just wrapped up our Mental Health talks. Many attended; many more than we expected — parents, students, associates — all came to talk about #mentalhealth. I was exhausted after. I planned on skating during the long break. I used to skate every day to work for the past 8 months, but I stopped doing the very thing I loved.

Actually, my #mentalhealth journey starts in 1999, almost twenty years ago. I’m the youngest of six — four girls and two boys. I just turned 25 years old, living with Ate Dyn and her family, and Ate Gol. “Ate” means big sister.

Clockwise: Our parents Ed Sr & Dianita. Ate Edith, Ate Len, Ate Gol, me, Ate Dyn, and Kuya. I am the youngest. Does birth order affect personality?

So it happened that I had a job interview in Laguna. I was preparing my portfolio the night before the trip, and Ate Gol was travelling with me the next day. In fact, she also stayed up all night with me, chatting on the phone for hours while I was working late on the computer.

We arrive in Laguna around noontime, and Kuya (big brother) and his wife took me to the mall to buy some organizers. They were anticipating my indefinite stay with them. We went back to get some much needed rest for my next-day interview.

That interview never happened.

At around midnight, Ate Gol let out a blood-curdling scream in the middle of the night, piercing the peaceful neighborhood. Kuya rushed to our room. We were all in shock, trying to calm Ate Gol. She said that she saw me and Kuya in a vision and died in a car crash on the train tracks near Calamba.

Kuya asked if Ate Gol was doing drugs. I highly doubt it. But Ate Gol was still having hallucinations while awake. We took her to a Calamba hospital at 1am.

While at the hospital, Ate Gol was administered anti-anxiety meds and eventually injections. During the whole time, she was understandably livid but as soon as the meds kicked in she was in deep sleep.

Kuya went home to sleep while Ate Len and I stayed with Ate Gol. While were talking in the hallway in front of the ward suddenly Ate Len tells me she has an urge to go inside the bathroom and scream. We were all in trauma. But I had to restrain her and be strong for Ate Len, because how can I take care of my sisters if I am in distress myself?

That event shattered me.

We barely made it through the night by God’s grace. Ate Gol stayed in the hospital for a few days, then we took her home to Quezon City after two weeks. She was taking up her post grad that time and had to submit school requirements. Her juggling work and school was her trigger.

We took her to doctors: diagnosis Bipolar 1. But she would eventually go back to school and finish her postgrad. Until we saw again the stress of her new job and upcoming graduation as a trigger for perhaps another episode.

This time, I got anxious. I also found myself wanting to scream. Something inside me wanted to cry out. I felt helpless. Angry. Afraid.

There were some issues at home as well. Like any family, we have dysfunction. We don’t really talk about what happened. Mom just had her Alzheimer’s results confirmed, and we didn’t want to stress our parents. They were there for my sister’s weekend graduation.

April 23, 2003. During my friend’s wedding, he asked me to drive. I couldn’t even focus on my driving. I almost couldn’t park his car.

The next day was my sister’s graduation. I was also tasked to drive. I barely made it to Diliman. During the ceremonies, while Ate Gol was manifesting mania on stage, I told Ate Len that I was anxious. I wanted to see a doctor.

We made it home, but I had panic attacks while trying to sleep. I had some sleeping pills so I took several…I did not want to wake up…I wanted to end it…until I get jolted by waves of panic. Thoughts racing in my head. Heart jumping out of my chest. I felt that I was going to die!

It was the most intense panic attack I ever had. I was diagnosed with major depression and took meds for three weeks. During this time, I stayed with my Kuya who was in town. He had studied abroad, and was staying in Manila for a few weeks. My stay with him was a godsend. I got the rest I needed. But we didn’t really process what was happening. It was then that I joined Depression Fighters Philippines Yahoogroups, and it help me a lot that time learn from the experiences of others going through depression.

Until last year, Nov, 2018.

My sister would have a relapse. She had another one in 2012. But she was staying in Pampanga, and I wasn’t as stressed out.

On Nov 12, I get a text that she wants to see her doc in Pampanga. She wasn’t sleeping well again. She was in transition, contemplating on returning to her former design practice. She is a former missionary.

But her doc was away on vacay, so she checked herself in Manila Doctors Hospital during the height of APEC. Since I lived nearby, I was the default caregiver. Little did I know that I would confront the demons that caused my trauma in 1999.

Same scene. Middle of the night. She was about to scream. But this time, I hug her and assure her that she’s just having a nightmare. I stayed awake most of that night. And and the weeks that would follow. I took a short leave. Benilde was very supportive.

We went from doctor to doctor. We tried acupuncture, but that actually triggered Ate Gol. This time, the mania and anxiety was full blown. We brought her to Makati Med upon doc’s orders. That night, because I couldn’t sleep, I took her meds. Previously, I had tried every over the counter drug to put me to sleep to no avail.

Wrong move. My sister’s Seroquel made me more anxious. The next day I schedule an appointment with Dr Caneda. Good thing I learned about Benilde’s services from our #mentalhealth talks just a month earlier.

Dr Caneda sent me to Dr Joselito Pascual also from Makati Med. So yeah, basically I was getting help while my sister was confined in the same hospital. She would be sent home after 10 days. I went to see Dr Pascual for a little over a month. He gave me meds for my situational anxiety and depression.

During this time, I was appointed as House Parent in our employee engagement program. You see, being a House Parent is not easy. I certainly didn’t apply for it. It’s a volunteer program. But the opportunity to engage the community was too good to let pass. I took on the challenge even with my anxiety full-on.

Because of the extra stressful situation, I contemplated quitting — not just my new role — but my job in Benilde. I just wanted to finish our current projects and the Christmas activities we had. I wanted to step back and take a break.

But I am happy I stayed on. Our House Team even won 2nd place at the Christmas party! It’s a bittersweet experience that I would do all over again, in a heartbeat.

Anxious but victorious!

And my story continues.

On my birthday, day after Christmas, we took my sister to Full House, a halfway house in Quezon City. A halfway house is significantly less expensive than Makati Med, and nearer to my dad. The family was torn about this decision, but we felt that she will be getting the best care in a professional facility. More than what we can do with our limited skills and energy.

She stayed there for two months. We would visit her during the weekends, and many friends went to see her. We are thankful for all who prayed with us and held our hands during those trying times. May God richly reward you.

During this time, I would slowly get back on my feet. Lots of self-care: spiritual, social, physical, and pharmacological approaches. I would sing ‘Safe’, my favorite Victory Worship song every night. I would recite Psalm 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God.” in bed. I would take long walks to shave off the edges of my anxiety.

Even when my knee got injured last February, I used my rehab as a goal to get back to skating again. My goal was June 21, or #GoSkateDay. And come back I did! I am stronger now. I eat healthy. I exercise. And I skate again. I also embraced my role as House Parent, which just ended on a high note. We even won 2nd place again in frisbee, while nursing a sprained ankle and while rehabbing my lateral meniscal tear.

No practice, no team until the last minute. Not an excuse to quit!

I realized that my fear of ‘losing it’ — like I so painfully witnessed in my sister — does not follow. It does follow that if you don’t sleep for a few days you will hallucinate. It does not follow that when you have a sibling or family member that has mental illness, you will have the same condition. And even if you have a mental illness, I do believe it’s not a permanent state. It does not follow.

I have also learned that the stories we tell ourselves are powerful.

But we should not let them define us. Even our past. I am sharing my story in the hopes of encouraging those who suffer, not just from this dis-ease but also from the stigma. Let’s share our stories, however painful. I believe that in the telling, there is healing.

And help is available. Find your Dr Lorna Caneda.

So this year, me and my friends started made Mental Health Pilipinas, a live list of more than 300 #mentalhealth professionals, providers, facilities, and groups mostly in the Philippines. And a few international resources as well. Our prayer is that if ever that time comes, you would find help for yourself and your loved ones. The earlier we are self-aware, the better.

My sister is better now. But she still needs our prayers. She just went through Living Waters, an inner healing and deliverance para-church program. This has helped her a lot.

My mother, Dr Dianita K. Araral passed away Nov 2, 2010. She’s the one who planted the seed of faith in our family. I also honor her act of faith.

To Jhorisa who rides with me through the dark tunnel of night and out into the light.

If you’re feeling hopeless right now, there is Hope, and He is a Person. Like me, I hope you also surrender your fears, worries, and past to the Prince of Peace who gives peace beyond science, logic and medicine.

May all of us have peace with our past, and hope for our future. May yours be a story of hope and healing for many more.

“By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has completely healed him, as you can all see.”

Acts 3:16