The nuance of choice

82/300. Some life… are not chosen

Photo by Quy Nguyen on Unsplash

I have once said I believe everything boils down to choice.

The choices we make. The paths we take. The decisions that slowly shape our lives into what they become.

It’s a comforting idea, in a way. It makes life feel controllable. Like if things go wrong, you can trace it back, fix it, choose better next time. But the more I sit with it, the more I realize it’s not that simple.

The more I think about it the more I realize there is a naunce. A choice naunce. I also think everything has a naunce. Just like there is heaven and hell (resist the urge to think of it as opposites. Extreme nuance would work better.)

Here is the choice nuance;

While most things you do is a choice you chose to do, there are things you become that were not a choice.

No one chooses the body or the family they are born into. No one chooses to be depressed. No one chooses the exact environment that raises them, or the kind of exposure they get early in life. No one wakes up one day and casually decides to be addicted, or to struggle, or to carry certain realities that shape how they move through the world.

I had a argument with a friend that ended without resolve. She argued that addiction was a choice, depression was a choice and I argued against that. (mind you it was not a debate we were having proper conversation and airing our differences, rather strongly.)

You see I don’t think depression is a choice, likewise addiction, likewise being a queer person(gay). Yes, yes. I know you’re thinking of a but. I’d also say about 20–15% of persons chose to take substance likely out of peer pressure and the likes. Yes that one dey and I’m not speaking for them. Neither am I speaking for every queer person.

Addiction is a chronic condition. It is that which has likely eaten deep into you. At this stage, it is not a choice. Maybe it was a choice at the beginning, when you just dragged your first smoke or popped your first pill but you see different circumstances pull people into it. And in that current circumstances you probably never thought that there was or could have been another option, a lot of addicts were not gracious enough to be presented with another option. It takes years and months and days of living that life to decide you want out prolly because now you see clearer and now you see options or not really.

But no it was not a choice.

Asking an addict to stop being addicted is like asking a sick person to suddenly get healed.

Telling a depressed person to choose happiness is like telling a cripple to suddenly start walking.

Depression is not sadness that keeps you frowning and sighing. Sadness, you can get over but depression is like cancer, it eats deep and deep into you. Depression is a state of mind, yes but it eats deep enough that getting up and getting stuff done becomes difficult. Living becomes difficult. Breathing is a hassle. You can’t choose out of depression. I prayed depression away for years, cried it away, wished it away and it didn’t bulge. It’s not a choice. Nobody chooses to be in eternal darkness, nobody chooses the great sorrow.

Some people didn’t choose to be queer. As hard as it might sound to believe. Some people genuinely grew up to realize they were attracted to the same sex and nothing they did attracted them to the opposite sex. Some have prayed it away, willed it away and yet they can’t seem to find any bone in their body responding to the opposite gender. Some other person’s were born with the both genitals and now they’re not sure which they are.

Some people didn’t ask to be hermaphrodite. They didn’t get a survey done to become hermaphrodite, they didn’t pray for it. Dress like a man, talk like a woman, become gay or do any other thing you can think of all in pursuit of hermaphroditism. It was not a choice and they didn’t need to choose it. Hermaphroditism is a condition where a person has both male and female chromosomes, hormones, genitals. And yes, people are born with this condition. They did not necessarily make a choice.

Being born in Nigeria was not a choice. Existing at all was never your choice.

Some things just… happen, or develop, or reveal themselves over time. And pretending those things are choices made by the recipients is a very dangerous game to play.

It makes people feel responsible for things they never had control over. It reduces complex human experiences into simple decisions, as if life is just a series of switches we can turn on and off at will. We ask them to 'Come off it,’ 'live a little,’ 'smile more,’ 'stop being depressed,’ 'just be happy,’ 'stop.’ Like doing any of that is easy.

While I strongly believe that certain if not majority of conditions and situations are a choice, I’m also of the opinion that something’s are not and they cannot be forced away however…

Even if not everything is a choice, something still is.

Somewhere between what happens to us and what we become, there is a space. Its a small one, very uncomfortable and can be confusing.

But… that space is where choice lives.

The thing is, it’s not a dramatic choice, it’s not the kind you just make right now and right here, it’s not the kind that changes your life overnight. This one is simple and quiet.

Choosing to get out of bed when everything in you says don’t. Choosing to try again, even when you’re tired of failing. Choosing to be kind when you’ve been hurt. Choosing to learn something new instead of staying where you are. Choosing to ask for help—even if your voice shakes.

They are all the variable of the choice you don’t choose and it doesn’t erase it and it doesn’t even fix anything, instantly. But it is the nuance choice so it matters.

There is power in recognizing your limits — but there is also power in recognizing where those limits end.

The goal isn’t to prove that everything is a choice and maybe it’s not to deny choice completely either. Because life is not as clean as we want it to be. Life is not straight.

You are not responsible for everything that happened to you. But you are responsible for what you do with it.

Except this time, you can take your time.