23 and It’s Not Exciting Anymore…

Five days ago, I turned 23.

Usually, I’d be excited about my birthday. I would look forward to it for weeks. But this time felt different.

Ever since the tragedy that happened last year, something in me changed. I lost trust in people, and I lost trust in good things happening to me. It feels strange to say that out loud, but it’s true.

I don’t believe good is meant for me anymore.

I’ve reached a point where whenever something good happens, I immediately think something bad is going to follow. Instead of enjoying the moment, I wait for it to be taken away. It’s like I stopped believing in good altogether.

No matter how hard I try not to think negatively, it keeps getting worse.

I know people say we need to move on from the past. I know I should let go of old incidents. But sometimes it’s not that simple. Some things stay with you. Some memories don’t leave just because you want them to.

It’s not that nothing is going well in my life. Things are going okay. In many ways, life is moving forward. But somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better.

And that’s the part I struggle to explain.

Some days, I just want to disappear. Not because I want to hurt myself, but because I want to escape everything for a while. I want to go somewhere nobody knows me, somewhere I don’t have to carry all these thoughts and worries. Somewhere I can just exist.

Some days feel heavier than others.

Some days, I don’t even know who I can talk to. I don’t know who would understand. So I keep everything to myself and carry it around like invisible weight.

I usually write stories. Sometimes I write about true events. But today, I didn’t want to tell a story.

Today, I just wanted to tell the truth about how I’ve been feeling.

Maybe writing it down won’t change anything.

But at least, for a moment, it feels a little less heavy.