10 Brutally Hilarious Money Jokes to Brighten Up Your Life

Money has never been more fun… Maybe…

Disclaimer: Reading these will prove to you that money is the world’s greatest joke… You have been warned!

Having been together for 51 years, a couple have run out of ideas when it comes to buying birthday presents for each other. Aware that his wife no longer drinks alcohol or eats chocolates, he is at a loss for what to buy her, particularly as he doesn’t want to spend a lot. But then he gets an idea; he sees a local advert in the paper offering bargain burial plots at the local cemetery. He decides it would be an unusual yet practical gift and at a price too good to refuse, so he purchases one for her.

However, the following year, he is once again stuck for ideas, so he doesn’t buy her anything to save money.

“You cheapskate,” she rages. “Why haven’t you bought me a present for my birthday?”

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” he says. “You still haven’t used the present I got you last year!”

A knock at the door disrupts an elderly man’s afternoon nap. When he finally makes it to the door, the woman standing there says, “Sorry to have disturbed you. I’m collecting for the local swimming pool.”

“Wait there,” says the elderly man, before returning a few moments later with two buckets of water.

A husband asks his wife what she wants for her 40th wedding anniversary. “How about a new dress?” he suggests.

“No thanks,” she replies, coldly.

“Okay, how about a necklace?” he suggests.

“No thanks,” she replies, coldly.

“Maybe a trip to a health spa then?” he suggests.

“No thanks,” she replies. “What I really want is a divorce.”

“Oh,” he gasps. “Sorry, I wasn’t planning on spending that much!”

An old man who has lived alone all his life asks his accountant to visit him in hospital. When the accountant arrives, the old man says, “When I die, which will probably be soon, I want you to have my remains cremated.”

“As you wish,” the accountant says. “And what would you like me to do with your ashes?”

The old man says, “I want you to put them in an envelope and mail them to Revenue and Customs with a note saying: Now you have everything!”

Shortly before her 40th birthday, a woman says to her husband, “I had an amazing dream last night where you bought me a beautiful 24-carat gold necklace. What do you think it means?”

With a knowing smile, the husband says, “You’ll know on your birthday.”

The woman can hardly contain her excitement over the next few days, and, sure enough, on the morning of her birthday, the husband reaches into his bedside drawer and pulls out a small package, which he hands to her, saying, “Happy birthday, darling.”

The woman tears off the paper as fast as she can to reveal a book titled: The Meaning of Dreams.

A senior couple are quietly reading one evening when the husband suddenly jumps up and says, “Put your coat on, Janet. I’m going to the pub.”

Janet lights up. “Are you taking me out for a drink?”

“Don’t be silly,” he replies. “I’m turning the heating off!”

Accompanied by her neighbour for emotional support, a woman goes to the local police station to report her husband missing. She tells the officer, “He’s six foot two, has dark wavy hair, athletic build, weighs 175 pounds, is kind and caring and is a millionaire business owner.”

“What are you talking about?” protests the neighbour. “He is five foot two, grossly overweight, bald as a coot and is a tightfisted, foul-mouthed drunk who couldn’t run an empty barn let alone a business.”

“I know,” says the woman. “But who wants him back?”

Frank complains to his friend, “My wife is always asking me for more money. Last month she asked me for £100, last week she wanted £200. This week she wanted £400.”

“What did she do with it all?” asks the friend.

Frank shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. I never give her any!”

A man decides to buy his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. Hearing about this, a friend of his says, “But I thought she always wanted a fancy four-wheel-drive vehicle?”

“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Land Rover?”

An old man is lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his family. Summoning his last ounce of strength, he lifts his head and whispers, “Is my beloved wife, Joan, here?”

“Yes, I am,” says his wife.

“And my dear children, Simon and Monica, here, too?” he asks.

“Yes, Father,” they reply. “We are here.”

He nods. “And are my darling grandchildren, Sam, Kirsty and Holly, with me as well?”

“Yes, Grandad,” they say. “We are all here with you at your bedside.”

The old man lays his head back down on the pillow and says, “So, if everybody is here, why is the light on in the kitchen?”

A young man is studying an elderly couple in McDonald’s. He sees that they have ordered one cheeseburger, a side order of fries and a soft drink with an extra cup. He watches the old man carefully cut the cheeseburger in half before dividing the fries into two equal portions. Then the old man pours half of the soft drink into the extra cup and starts to eat.

Concluding that the reason they have had to divide everything up is that they cannot afford to pay for two meals, the young man takes pity on them. He goes over to their table and offers them some money so that they can buy a second meal.

“Thank you for your offer, is very kind,” says the old man. “But we must decline; we do not need it. You see, it’s not that we can’t afford it; it’s just this is the way we’ve always done things and always will. We’ve been married for over 50 years, and we always share everything.”

“I see,” says the young man, who then turns to the old woman and asks if she is going to eat anything.

“Not yet, deary,” she says. “It’s his turn with the teeth!”

That’s all from me, thanks for reading! Remember to check out my music here, and my novelette here. If you enjoyed this, you may also enjoy the following:

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