Daughter of God

Throughout my adult life, I’ve kept a journal. My religious upbringing in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), more commonly known as Mormonism, encouraged me to do this from a young age.

Although the LDS Church leaders encouraged us to write for “family history,” I found a different purpose. I didn’t realize it when I began, but I use journaling as a form of therapeutic practice to help me process difficult emotions. It’s most common for me to journal during bouts of high stress and anxiety. I’m less likely to write about life when things are going well or if I’m in a deep depression.

Occasionally, I go back and read old entries. It can be difficult to read about my 18-year-old self. She’s cringe as hell. But she was doing the best she could.

I recently read through my entries from my faith crisis. It’s wild to read something about yourself in a condensed version that took an arduous amount of time and emotional energy to work through. But I felt inspired to share it because I know my experience is not unique. Yet, believing LDS members are apprehensive to hear about an ex-member’s faith journey out of fear.

I don’t say this out of judgment but out of experience. As a practicing member, I knew people who had left, but I never asked for their stories out of fear. I greatly misunderstood and judged their experiences because I had been taught to. I did not have empathy or compassion, and I regret letting fear dictate my decisions.

In this collection of stories, you’ll find religious conditioning tied to mental health struggles. My family has a history of depression, anxiety, and a slew of undiagnosed issues, and I am no exception. This is a transcription of my various journal entries tied to Mormonism.

What better time to publish this first entry than over the LDS Church’s spring General Conference?