Humor | Satire

Ask Madison: The Slumber Party’s Most Popular Twelve-Year-Old Advice Columnist

Need sound parenting advice? Just ask Madison.

Pexels

Dear Madison,

I follow your column religiously and could really use your help. My problem is that I currently hear quite a racket coming from my daughter’s upstairs bedroom. I let her host a slumber party with five school friends because she agreed to keep everything under control, but it seems I may have given her more responsibility than she can handle. Should I break up the party and send her guests home? Please let me know quickly, because my husband and I are trying to watch a movie down here, and the noise is making that difficult.

— Disgruntled Denise

Dear Disgruntled,

Thank you for being a regular reader. I appreciate your loyalty to my column, and I think your daughter might appreciate you having a little more faith in her. After all, this could be her first time hosting. If you sent everyone home, who knows what kind of humiliation that might cause her. My advice? Try to remember what it was like to be your daughter’s age, and also bring up another tray of s’mores.

Dear Madison,

Please settle a bet for us. Me and my friend Luke can’t agree on which of the girls in my house is weirdest. He says it’s the Goth girl who put a “curse” on him just now when she walked by my room. I say no matter how many girls come to her sleepover, my older sister will always be the number one weirdo. Who’s right?

— Terrific Tyler

Dear Terrible Tyler,

Sorry. Neither of you is right. And neither of you is really playing video games. We all know you’re only trying to spy on us. If Gina put a curse on your stupid friend, though, I’m disappointed in her. Why only him? Please come to my room immediately to receive a curse of your own. And thank you for writing in.

Dear Madison,

Against my better judgment, I followed your last nugget of wisdom — but I still hear a lot of noise coming from my daughter’s room. That, along with my husband constantly raising the volume of the movie, is starting to make my head pound. To top things off, my young son just came down with his friend who’s been turned into some kind of vacant-eyed, open-mouthed slug incapable of speech. We can’t get him to stop drooling. If this has something to do with my daughter’s slumber party, please advise immediately and set things right before the living room carpet is ruined.

— Desperate Downstairs

Dear Desperate,

Luke has always been a vacant-eyed, open-mouthed slug with a drooling problem, or hadn’t you noticed?

Dear Madison,

This is your brother’s friend Luke Something-Or-Other. I’m, like, some sort of zombie right now. I’m not sure how this happened, but Tyler says it has something to do with one of your friends. The one dressed all in black? Could you maybe get her to reverse this spell, or whatever it is? Otherwise, there’s, like, a very real possibility my parents could end up suing, and I’m sure your parents wouldn’t appreciate that. Thanks!

— Lobotomized Luke (Something-Or-Other)

Dear Lobotomized,

Try again, Dad.

Dear Madison,

I’m texting this from the hallway in front of my daughter’s locked bedroom door, which has an eerie red glow coming from underneath it. There’s still a lot of noise inside, but it doesn’t sound like half a dozen loud girls anymore. It sounds like a horde of angry demons. Have you opened some kind of portal to Hell in there? Being such a well-known source of sound parenting advice, I’m sure you must realize I would not approve.

— Horrified in the Hallway

Dear Horrified,

Maybe you should stop overreacting and go back to your movie? Your daughter and her friends are probably just having a little fun with the Ouija board Gina brought over. If you stop pounding on her door, I think the sleepover will be a big hit.

Madison,

Ha! Now you’re in for it! Mom and Dad called a priest over. He just broke the curse that was on Luke, and now he’s on his way upstairs. He’s going to end your creepy little sleepover with the power of God or something. Good luck living this down in school!

— Totally Tyler

Dear Toe Fungus Tyler,

Father Gregory just chanted something to make the Hell Gate start closing, but it’s still big enough to fit a ten-year-old runt. Please come to my room fast so I can stuff you through while there’s still time.

Dear Madison,

My son Luke just got home from another boy’s house, where a very strange slumber party was going on at the same time. Although his memory of events is foggy, Luke seems to have suffered emotional trauma that may or may not have something to do with sinister, otherworldly powers. I’m considering a lawsuit against that whole family, but particularly the girl who hosted the slumber party. Any “advice?”

— Suing in Suburbia

Dear Suing,

My advice is to keep your dopey son at least 500 yards away from any sleepover in the future. A lot of what happened was his fault, and you should consider yourself lucky if you don’t get sued over him helping to ruin what could’ve been an epic night.

P.S. Within the next few days, my mother will be sending you a copy of the cleaning bill for the living room carpet.

Thank you to all my regular readers, and please feel free to contact “Ask Madison” for any further advice regarding parenting or legal matters.

[embed]Ask Madison: The House’s Most Popular Twelve-Year-Old Advice Columnist The first installment of Ask Madison.medium.com