Top 10 Reasons Why Governments Shouldn’t Psyop Prolific Academic Bloggers with a Genius-Level IQ

A Public Service Announcement from the Department of Catastrophic Strategic Miscalculation

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10. They Have Too Much Free Time While Waiting for Surveillance Spam PDFs to Download

The average citizen receives a bizarre coincidence and thinks, “Huh, that’s strange.”

A prolific academic blogger receives the same coincidence and thinks:

“Interesting. I shall now spend six months building a 40,000-word interdisciplinary framework connecting this event to cybernetics, medieval theology, jazz improvisation, refrigerator magnet placement, and the mating habits of squid.”

By the time the operation concludes, nobody remembers what the original psyop was supposed to accomplish.

9. They Will Turn the Psyop into Teaching Material

The intended outcome:

Subject becomes confused and demoralized.

Actual outcome:

Week 4 Lecture:

“Today we’re examining state influence operations through the lens of Gregory Bateson, information theory, and interpretive hermeneutics. Please see the 87-page handout.”

Students leave with course credit.

The operators leave with an existential crisis.

8. They Keep Writing Everything Down

Most intelligence services depend heavily upon people forgetting things.

Academic bloggers depend heavily upon green Publish buttons.

The government spends millions creating ambiguity.

The blogger creates:

• Timeline A
• Timeline B
• Timeline C
• Annotated Timeline
• Interactive Timeline
• Timeline of Timeline Revisions
• Meta-Timeline of Competing Timelines

Three years later a doctoral student discovers the archive and turns it into a dissertation.

7. They Mistake Surveillance for Audience Engagement

A surveillance analyst spends eighteen months monitoring the subject’s activities.

The blogger notices unusual traffic patterns and concludes:

“Wonderful. My readership is growing.”

He responds by posting more frequently.

The surveillance budget triples.

6. They Will Start Conducting Peer Review

Nothing terrifies a covert bureaucracy more than receiving editorial feedback.

Government memo:

OPERATION NIGHT FALCON

Returned by blogger with comments:

• “Weak methodology.”
• “Unclear operational definitions.”
• “Citation needed.”
• “Theoretical framework underdeveloped.”
• “Conclusion unsupported by evidence.”

Grade awarded:

C-

The operation is sent back for revisions.

5. They Possess Weaponized Curiosity

Normal people stop asking questions after receiving answers.

Genius academic bloggers begin asking questions after receiving answers.

Every explanation produces five new questions.

Every five questions produce twenty-five additional questions.

Soon a simple operation has generated enough analytical branching to require its own mathematics department.

4. They Will Accidentally Turn the Entire Thing into Performance Art

A covert operation is intended to remain invisible.

Unfortunately the target is an artist.

Three months later:

• Gallery exhibition.
• Podcast series.
• Experimental electronic music album.
• Blog anthology.
• Conference keynote.

The operation wins a local arts award.

Nobody in the intelligence community receives credit.

3. They Are Already Used to Institutional Absurdity

The planners assume the target will be shocked by deep state bureaucracy.

This is a serious mistake.

The target has spent decades attending committee meetings.

After surviving discussions regarding font standards, parking allocations, and curriculum mapping, clandestine intrigue barely registers as unusual.

A man in a dark suit emerging from a shrubbery is, if anything, refreshingly straightforward.

2. They May Be Smarter Than the All the People Running the Operation Put Together

This possibility is rarely discussed.

Not because it never occurs.

Because the meeting becomes awkward immediately afterward.

PowerPoint Slide 1:

“What if the target figures out what we’re doing?”

PowerPoint Slide 2:

“What if he figures it out before we do?”

Meeting adjourned.

1. The Ultimate Strategic Catastrophe

The greatest danger is not exposure.

The greatest danger is inspiration.

The target eventually concludes:

“This is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me.”

He then writes:

• 700 blog posts
• 3 novels
• 2 satirical anthologies
• 1 trilogy of spy-fi absurdist comedies
• countless monologues

Meanwhile, the operation’s architects retire and discover that their names have been immortalized as recurring comic characters.

Not sinister masterminds.

Not shadowy puppet masters.

Just a squad of highly paid men in black who accidentally spent twelve years losing a chess match to a guy walking his dog.

Honorable Mentions

Reason #11: He Might Start Thinking You’re Imaginary

At first the government worries the blogger will discover the operation.

Years later the government worries the blogger has concluded the operation is too ridiculous to exist.

Agents work tirelessly to prove they are real.

The blogger remains unconvinced.

A classified task force is established to answer a simple question:

“How do we convince the target we’re actually spying on him?”

The final report is 600 pages long.

The recommendation section is blank.

Reason #12: Oopsie, You Go Extinct

Conducting psyops on civilians and citizens amounts to cruel and unusual punishment without trial. Countries that engage in this kind of behavior demonstrate their monstrosity, and we all know what ends up happening to monsters by the end of the movie.