Just Some Thoughts: Vol. 12

Life is Short No, this isn’t a reference to Justin Long’s podcast which I regularly enjoy. About three weeks ago, I found out that someone I went to high school with was dying from ovarian cancer. I was shocked and saddened to hear the news. This was someone that I secretly admired when I was a teenager. I remember her being intelligent, witty, oddly unique, intimidating in the best way, and just someone that I was in awe of because she was so cool. A couple of days after I heard the news, a friend texted me to say that this person had passed away. She was barely 41, had been a 5th grade teacher for many years, and that she was leaving behind a son in high school.

They call ovarian cancer the “silent killer” because, in its early stages, it is almost undetectable in terms of symptoms. By the time this person had been diagnosed, and had gotten some treatments, it was already too late. She was diagnosed in late July and passed away in December; barely any time at all to fathom the end of one’s life.

It’s strange how much this has affected me. The logical side of my mind is saying that I need to schedule a check-up soon. The emotional side of me keeps thinking about how young she was. 41, for most, is the middle of life. I think about her son and how difficult it must be for him to lose his mom at his young age. It just isn’t fair.

I forget who I was talking to about the fact that, when someone dies young, no one ever gets to see that person as old. All of our memories, pictures, and videos of that person stop at the age they passed away at. We have to recycle these things in order to keep that person artificially alive in our minds and hearts. Anyway, it’s just something that’s been on my mind.

Bye Bye, 2022 We all know that 2022 is coming to a quick end and that 2023 is looming in front of us. I always try to think of at least one thing I’ve learned from the year that is ending. I’ve been thinking about this for a while because it’s been difficult for me to pinpoint a decent lesson. If anything, I feel really disappointed in myself because I’m mostly where I was a year ago.

I had lofty dreams for 2022. December of 2021 was the last month that I tried getting pregnant via IUI. I imagined a different world for myself in 2022, but those dreams never came to fruition. Maybe it was for the best, maybe it was for the worst, but it mostly just makes me feel like a failure, yet again. I’ve really struggled this year with happiness, and most days I’m somewhere between mild contentment and utter sadness.

I guess if I’ve learned anything, it would have to be that life is going to happen despite what you want out of it. Seems like a shitty lesson to learn, but there are so many things that are out of our control. Yes, we can make our own fate with many situations, but there are things that maybe just aren’t meant to be. It’s a really difficult lesson to learn, and one that is hard to come to grips with. I’m hoping that 2023 will see changes for me, changes that will improve my quality of life, in terms of my emotional state.

On a more upbeat and thankful note, I do have to say that my kitten, Forrest, has brought a lot of joy into my life. He’s my little stinky butt, my little world, my little man, my little reason to get out of bed in the morning because, mainly, he’s hungry. He’s a blessing and I am always happy to see him.