Dress Code for the Costume Party in Teheran, Iran

There’s a big bash going on in the Middle East these days. Perhaps we should call it a bashup. Our friends the Arabs are getting beaten up by those ‘d…y’ Jews in Israel and also by their fellow religionists (not really, but almost) in Iran.

So what’s new? Happens every day there. But this time it’s serious stuff.

They killed the Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Something or Other, who had been in power for thirty nine years. He was irreplaceable, you see.

The Supreme Leader (SL) is not an elected post. You are appointed by God, as European monarchs used to be before the French Revolution. So God has to remove you.

But HE was busy. So HE told Trump who told Netanyahoo, or perhaps it was the other way around. There is a rumour that Trump could be HE, that is HE could be Trump. You get what I mean?

Doesn’t matter. Either way bombs are sure to fall on someone’s head. So the Supreme Leader is now the late Supreme Leader. He was accompanied to jannat **(the Islamic Heaven)** by several top commanders and religious figures. Supreme Leaders need escorts wherever they go. So there.

Anyway now, all hell has broken loose in the Middle East. But the Europeans were happy. The Arabs were happy and Hindutva types in India were happy.

The Europeans were happy that they might get a share of the oil in Iran. But they have a think coming. Trump will probably sell it to the Chinese cheaper than he might to the Europeans. No free lunches, von der Leyen, Macron or Meloni.

The Arabs were happy that the Shia leadership was getting a pasting. Saudi Arabia thought, now is the time for me to claim my birthright — leadership of the Islamic world. Why are Mecca and Medina here in Saudi and the centre of power in the Middle East (ME) elsewhere?

But this time, within an hour of the SL’s killing, Iran had responded. Missiles began to fly all over the ME. They landed in every base the US had there — in Iraq, the UAE, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, even in Oman which had offered its services for peace talks.

Why? Because the attack on the SL’s compound in Teheran took place when the negotiations were going particularly well. It was rumoured that Iran had even agreed to forswear developing and even keeping nuclear material for all time. So Iran got caught on the wrong foot the second time in eight months. The last time was in June 2025 when the Iranian reactors at Fordhow, Natanz and Isfahan got clobbered by B-2s in the middle of a similar negotiation.

Sheikh Lotfollah Mosque, Naqsh-e-Jahan Square, Isfahan

So now the Iranians know that Trump is a man of his word. So what’s his word? Bibi. That’s the key that makes Trump melt.

On Indian news channels Hindutva figures could not conceal their glee. Wow! Look at that. Look at the state of Khamenei’s compound! They killed all those IRGC and Army commanders when they thought they were safe. Zup! One missile came in and took them all out. Wish we could do that!

To whom?

Naqsh-e-Jahan Square, Isfahan

That reminds me of something from our history.

This incident happened during the battle of Haldighati in 1576. The Mughal emperor Akbar defeated Rana Pratap in this battle. Lately some people have rewritten history to prove that Akbar in fact lost the battle to Maharana Pratap. Why? Just to convince themselves that once in a while we Hindus too had defeated somebody, like a long time ago King Porus defeated Alexander the Great. Which King Porus? Arre Puru of the Puru dynasty! Where did you find him? In Greek history books, obviously. But I know of no Raja Puru. You think the Greeks made it up. I don’t know. Of course you don’t. The Greeks never lied about such things. But they got one thing wrong. Alexander didn’t defeat Porus. Porus defeated Alexander. How do you know? Really! You’re such an idiot. Porus or Puru is a national hero. How dare you insult him? Why do you think Alexander went back? Because his troops had had enough and wanted to go home and spend the money they had looted. Bah! You’ll never understand. But anyway, let’s move on.

To continue, Akbar had Rajputs from Jodhpur and Jaipur fighting for him, while Rana Pratap had his Mewari Rajputs and Bhils. At one stage the Rajputs on both sides were engaged in hand to hand combat. All this while they were surrounded by the Mughal archers on horseback, circling around and firing into the melee, killing and wounding many on both sides. One of them was asked, “Why are you firing into the crowd? You are hitting some of our allies too.” The answer came without hesitation, “Kaffirs all! Whoever we kill, the world has one kaffir less.” You get the point?

Back to our narrative. Those Israelis are too much — amazing. Just imagine — Modiji was there just two days ago.

Another big mystery there. What took Narendra Modi to Jerusalem two days before the US and Israel struck? Did he make the trip to pass on a dokhla recipe he got from his late mother?

That reminds me of another trip another BJP leader made in 1999 on the occasion of the IC 814 hijacking. Why did External Affairs Minister Jaswant Singh accompany Masood Azhar (who later founded the Jaish-e-Mohammed), Omar Saeed Sheikh (who beheaded Richard Pearl) and Mushtaq Ahmed Zargar (who was among those who ‘kidnapped’ Rubaiya Sayeed, daughter of Mufti Mohammed Sayeed, then Union Home Minister) to Kabul and release them there to the Taliban?

These three were in jail in India on charges of terrorism, but were released when family members of the passengers began agitating in front of PM Vajpayee’s residence asking the govt to give in to whatever demands the hijackers had made.

So the govt gave in as Indian govts usually do. It just takes a lot of noise, burning some buses and occasionally a few people, to get our govts to cave in. In this case it was just noise.

We are emphatically not Israel or even Iran. We are all tough and slogan shouting on the outside (Jo hamse takraayega…) and soft on the inside, when it’s time for roti-baaji and the 9 pm Saas Bahu serial. Then we lay down arms and surrender. The fighting phase usually lasts about twelve hours, between dinner and breakfast.

So back to Modi. Why did he go to meet Bibi? Was it Epstein?

Many people think Epstein explains many things including the current war. As Shakespeare said, the good that men do lives on after them. Or was it the bad? Doesn’t matter.

Let’s ask Epstein.

Where is Epstein?

He was in some jail in the US, last I heard. So let’s talk to him.

I am a journalist. I want to interview Epstein.

Sorry. He is no longer here.

Transferred?

Yes, to a better place.

Mar-a-Lago?

No. He died.

Died?

Committed suicide.

Oh! Very convenient.

Yes. Very very convenient. But where are the files? With the FBI.

Ah, yes. The files. Snippets are being released, but you can be sure the important files will not be. Some heads have rolled, but not any important ones. There’s a long list of people — Bill Gates, Bill Clinton too, no surprise there. There are many more. Bill Gates has already apologised. Not to his then wife. There’s a new one now and an iron-clad pre-nup. Elon Musk is there too. No surprise there. Perhaps he has some more kids floating around, named XX!@#124IamSurprised and Elon!I_am_Pregnant!@#. That one’s probably a girl.

Rumour mills are churning overtime. Many believe that Epstein was actually a Mossad agent and that Bibiji has the originals of all the Epstein files. So he has the orange-haired Master of the Universe by the s and c’s or eating out of his hand or both.

But is Trump a paedophile? No, he just attended the parties Epstein threw for the intellectual conversation. Imagine Noam Chomsky too attended these parties, as did Stephen Hawking and many others. Scintillating conversations they must have had.

Back in the day many intellectuals subscribed to Hugh Hefner’s Playboy magazine for the stimulating articles on culture, art and science therein. Just so you know. ‘Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.’ — the more things change, the more they stay the same.

So the first hour of the current operation was a great success. Indian media gloated. Israel carries out decapitation strike. Khamenei killed. Forty eight others also killed. Among the ‘others’ were his wife, son, daughter in law and grandchild.

Soon Indian media was putting out information on what a dastard Khamenei actually was. We had not known until then, but thanks to American media we now know that he had been on the verge of even nuking India while pretending that he was against nuclear weapons. My God! Thank God he is gone. We have had a narrow escape.

Saved again by Donald Trump Orangeman. He saved the world. But the job is not over. This thankless world will need saving again by Orangeman. And for what? Not even a Nobel to show for it! The one Machado gave him unfortunately doesn’t count. It doesn’t have his name on it. But they’ll probably give him the Nobel for this Iran job, if there’s any fairness left in the world.

But after that first hour, like I said, the Iranians retaliated heavily. Missiles right, left and centre. And they attacked everybody. Even Dubai, which received particularly brutal treatment. Dubai — the playground of the Middle East now that Beirut is mostly rubble. No, no that wasn’t done by Iran but by Israel. They have the best interests of the Lebanese at heart and so were very severe on the parts of the city which support Hezbollah. That meant practically the whole city. So its mostly debris now. And so the playboys of the Middle East and from other places had to go to Dubai to play. And now the Iranians have hit Dubai.

They haven’t stopped at that. They’ve hit US bases all over, hit radar stations, troop facilities, logistics bases, even Patriot and THAAD batteries that the US at great cost has moved to the ME to save the people there from themselves. It’s tough being a good Samaritan these days.

So what does this prove? That Iran is not Venezuela — ready to roll over a..e up. These Iranians don’t believe in fair play. When you play the game and the referee says you are out, you walk. That’s cricket. Unfortunately the Iranians have never played cricket though some of their descendants among the Parsees in India do. They don’t accept defeat even when the neutral umpire, Trump that is, signals that they are out.

So the job’s not over. There’s talk now of Boots On the Ground.

Iran has invited anyone who is someone to play Boots On the Ground. They have promised a great party for anyone who joins in. It’s an open invitation.

But the US cannot do it alone. It needs the rest of the world to help. It needs India to help.

For what?

The Bull capital at the Apadana Palace in Persepolis

For the party in Teheran that the Iranians are throwing. It’s a celebration of freedom. The Iranians want the entire world to join the celebration. A great party, no, an even greater party than the one the Shah of Iran, Reza Pahlavi II threw in 1971 to celebrate the 2500th anniversary of the founding of Persepolis. Persepolis was the capital of the Achaemenid Empire which Cyrus the Great founded in 550 BC. Persepolis itself was founded by Darius I in 518 BC.

Now I must tell you something about Cyrus. Why so many stories? Well, this is a complicated topic. Stories around stories. Stories within stories. Helps to explain the Middle East or ME. Or just complicates it. You decide.

Cyrus founded the Achaemenid Empire in 550 BC.

At that time the biggest empire was the Neo-Babylonian based in Babylon near Baghdad today. Their king Nebuchadnezzar had destroyed Jerusalem, the capital of Judah (Southern Israel today) in 587 BC. There is some dispute about the dates but around this time the Jehoiachin, the King of Judah was killed and the Jews of Judah were transported to Babylon into slavery. Hence the Biblical song ‘By the Rivers of Babylon’.

Cyrus attacked Babylon in 539 BC and freed the Jews. He granted them full liberty to reconstruct Jerusalem and the Second Temple came up thereafter. He also granted full religious liberty to all people in the Empire to worship as they pleased. This is proclaimed in cuneiform script in the Cyrus Cylinder now in the British Museum in London. Why isn’t it in Iran, you ask? Good question. Many of the good things in this world are found in London. That will need a full essay by itself. So we’ll keep that for later.

After that the freed Jews went back and rebuilt Jerusalem and the Second Temple. The Second Temple was destroyed in 69 AD by the Roman general Titus, son of the Emperor Vespasian. Titus himself became Emperor after his father, which is why many Malayalis (I am one,so I know) are named Titus. No Mallu is named Vespasian, for some reason.

The Western Wall of the Second Temple in Jerusalem is the Wailing Wall in front of which many Jews pray today. It is the holiest site for Jews. And right next to it is the Al Aqsa Mosque, the third holiest site in Islam. It is built right on top of the remains of the Second Temple. Why? Another good question. Perhaps the Hindus of Varanasi can answer that one.

So the Iranians and the Israelis who descend from the freed Jews are great friends or perhaps should be. But history and politics work in mysterious ways. But back to the party.

The Apadana Palace at Persepolis (Parsa) in Iran,built by Darius I c 518 BC

This party that the Iranians are throwing — they want everyone to join in.

Oh I see.

It’s a costume party.

Oh! What choice of costumes do I have?

You must wear army air force or naval uniform and come armed. Real guns and real bullets. Then the game will start. A very exciting game. Better than Paintball or Padelball and all that.

What’s the game called?

It’s called Boots on the Ground.

Sounds great. What do I have to do?

Kill everyone you see.

Really? I get to kill people?

Yes, of course.

That sounds fun. And what will they do?

They’ll try to kill you.

That doesn’t sound so exciting. People could get hurt.

That’s the fun part. You score and whoever scores the most kills wins the game. Perhaps we should call it Last Man Standing.

Now now what about Gender Equality?

OK. Last Person Standing? Happy?

And what about those on wheelchairs etc. who would like to play?

Good point. I have an idea. Let’s call it Last Person Grandstanding.

Great. Are you sure we have to use real bullets? Can’t we use blanks and play-act?

No, no no. That will just not do. You have to get into the spirit of the game. Blood, sweat and tears as Churchill said when Britain broached the Balfour Declaration in 1917 promising the Jews a homeland in Palestine. Or was it somewhere else about something else? Never mind. Doesn’t matter.

So we are all now ready to play the party game in Teheran. Aren’t you coming?