Kristi Noem’s Tits Are Real — But Her Husband’s Aren’t

An Essay about National Security

Photo by Ryan Walton on Unsplash

It has recently come to the nation’s attention that former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, who used to be famous as (1) the woman who heartlessly murdered her own dog and (2) for spending way too much time allegedly making Adulterous Whoopie in a great big airborne bedroom on a taxpayer-funded jet, is now also famous for the fact that (3) her husband Byron has gigantic fake breasts.

Mr. Noem, as it turns out, participates in a fetish called “bimbofication” which I had never heard of before, in which adults do things like inject their breasts or chests with scads of saline to try make themselves look as busty as Barbie.

In leaked photos, the father of three is shown wearing pink undies and showing off great big faux bazoomas. Also leaked were hundreds of messages he (allegedly) sent to three women who were also involved in the bimbofication fetish scene.

It was reported (but not confirmed) that Mr. Noem was outed by an immigrant sex worker who wanted to get back at Kristi for DHS’s harsh anti-immigrant agenda.

Experts warn that the existence of photos of Mr. Noem showing off his huge knockers could have made his wife subject to potential blackmail threats. So a grateful nation can thank that anonymous sex worker for removing the threat.

My favorite part of this story was the snarky reader response to the news reports:

So Kristi and her husband both want to be Barbie!

It shows that background vetting is a joke.

It’s not the kink. It’s the hypocrisy.

Kristi is getting the karmic spanking she so richly deserves.

Couldn’t happen to a nicer cowgirl.

I used to think that the purpose of Donald Trump and the clowns and losers he brought to power was to educate the public about what grift on a grand scale looks like.

Apparently, it’s also to educate us about kinks we weren’t aware of.

It’s been a very educational presidency so far, alas, and it’s not over yet. I can’t begin to imagine what we’re about to learn next.

I’m not going to weigh in on whether a grown man should want to have breasts like Barbie, except to point out that Noem’s hubby having humungous hooters isn’t hurting anybody.

In fact, at this moment in time, it’s giving a lot of people something to smile about.

I also refuse to judge Kristi Noem for having a husband who cross dresses. Plenty of women have husbands who cross dress.

But I definitely judge that bitch for shooting an innocent dog.

(**Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, has been featured on both The Today Show and Morning Edition, and has been included in 20 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, is a [Writing Coach](https://rosalindwarren.medium.com/need-a-good-editor-get-in-touch-c3508093b772?sk=da811ef430b407044d2aff236d7c0570) who specializes in helping Medium writers craft and publish better stories. Drop her a line at roSwarren@gmail.com. (That’s Ros with an “s,” not a “z.”)**